It has been a long time since I've posted, and for that I am sorry.
The lack of updates has not been caused by lack of subject matter. Since my last post, I applied for admission to the Minnesota Bar, took my last law school exams, graduated (in a weekend that involved my mother and father being in the same room and interacting for the first time since their divorce), and began studying for the bar. Oh, and I bought a house with my spouse. So, yeah. Lots of things have been on my mind, but they all basically lead to the same place--my future. My undetermined and wide-open future.
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Buying our house was not terribly difficult. We only looked at 7 or 8 houses before we found the one we wanted. It was in the right neighborhood. It was the right size. The only problems were that it was a house that had been foreclosed on, which meant we would be negotiating and dealing with a bank (which sucked*) and that the house wasn't in good shape and needed work.
It's been almost 3 months since we bought the house and 2 months since we moved in. And it's coming along. We've got the once-patchy lawn to look a little more green. We've painted most of the rooms in the house. We've taken care of most of the big problems (plumbing and electrical). There's still some big items on our list, and they're getting prioritized and dealt with as much as we can. It's a process and I think we're moving toward where we want things to be.
So, it would seem that this part of my future is solved. I know where I'm going to live for a long time, which is comforting. I also know what I'll be doing with a lot of my free time from here on out. I'll continue painting, weeding, planting, mowing, fixing, and otherwise trying to improve and maintain my house. This is less comforting. Of course a lot of this this improving and maintaining is beyond my skill set, so we're going to have to have other people do the work. Which means everything here would be quicker and easier if I had a job.
In the two months of actually owning the house, it's started to feel more like a home. The physical moving-in process is complete, but my mental moving-in process is not complete. And I'm not sure that I will feel fully moved in until I have a job. Weird as it sounds, having somewhere I have to be that is not the house, I think, will make the house space feel more like a home. As it is now, I do a fair amount of studying at home. I relax at home. I spend most of my time there. Which should be great. But it's kind of not, because I know it's temporary. I know at some point (though I don't know at what point) I will have to go to work. I will have to do things elsewhere. And I secretly like having routines and structure--if for no other reason than breaking those routines and structures.
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Graduating law school was awesome. It's been three years of really hard work, all focused on getting through and pushing forward with my life. The ceremony was enjoyable and I really enjoyed the talk given by the new associate of the Minnesota Supreme Court, Wilhelmina Wright.
What was odd though, was getting dressed up in the regalia. In a lot of ways I felt like my trip through law school was an individual one. I did all my work. I chose my classes and took the tests. I read the assignments, wrote the memos, met with the clients, and decided what I needed to work on, and how I was going to get better. I obviously leaned a lot on my friends, and especially on my wife. But, at the end of it all, I was making a decision about where I was going and how I was getting there. Dressing up in the same black robe as everyone else, complete with the same medals and chords, I felt very much like I was just one person out of many. Sure my grades and all that is different, but if I wasn't there, there would be another robe in my seat.
And today, when I picked up my diploma, I had the same feeling as they sorted through the pile of papers that were all the diplomas they were handing out. I was at the top of a pile only because of where my name falls in the alphabet.
As you might expect this is a disappointing feeling. I feel like I accomplished so much by going to law school, and by doing well. I wanted these moments to feel relief, a sense of accomplishment, some contentment. Something. But mostly, I felt like there's so much to do. So much I want to do.
There's the bar. There's getting a job. There's the rest of my life. And ultimately what I do from here on out is what is going to have to differentiate me from everyone else. Maybe later on I'll have a better perspective that will help me figure out what I'm going through right now. But right now, I can't really describe it very precisely. It's an uncomfortable mix.
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The day after graduation, I went to my first bar-prep class. Which is good, because it's providing structure to my studying. And that is what I need. But it was also a very odd thing. I went from working very hard to understand arguments and nuances, to memorizing rules that I will need to regurgitate on the days of the exam. Which sucks. It's designed to suck, honestly. Which is fine. I'm am putting in my study time and will pass the exam. I'm not afraid of the bar right now.**
But, it's raised a real issue for me. I really do not want to end up in a job where that's all I do. I know some areas of practice where practicing is about churning out essentially the same thing over and over again. One of the biggest reasons I went to law school was because I wanted a challenging career. I want a job where I have to think, and where I'm being challenged most days. I am fine right now, for another month and change memorizing rules and preparing to show the bar examiners that I have the most basic qualifications required to be an attorney. But after that I don't want to feel like all I'm using is those basic qualifications. I want a job that will allow me to grow. I want to continue to get better at being a lawyer. I want to explore and hone my skills. I want excellence and am willing to continue work hard to get there.
And I hope I can land somewhere that wants to get that kind of effort and skill from me. And will help me get there. That's why I went to law school.
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The thing about looking for a job in the law right now is that the market is not great. I've been hearing for a couple years that it's getting better. Note that "getting better" does not mean that it's good, or even better, yet. It's just not as crappy as it has been, which means that every job I apply for is also being applied for by hundreds of other students who graduated this year, as well as others who have been holding down a chair the last couple years waiting for better opportunities to come up. This is the source of so much angst and worry.
For the most part, I think things will turn out all right though. Mostly, I see that this is an opportunity to really land in a great place. And while I vacillate between moments of confidence and sureness and moments of complete insecurity, those moments are not long-lasting. They come on like a sudden rain storm, leaving me with fresh fear to push me forward. So, I guess that's good, right.
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*Note 1. Seriously, this bank was so hard to get in contact with, and very cavalier about certain terms in the contract. Being a law student, I thought I would have a handle on how to deal with stuff like this. And it did. But being emotionally involved with the outcome of buying the house made it really hard. This, I decided, is a very important reason for people to get attorneys to help them through things like this.
**Note 2. I will be once we get closer, because there's so much at stake with passing the bar. If someone doesn't pass this bar, they have to wait until February to take the next one (which will be a re-designed bar, so that extra sucks this time). If someone doesn't pass, they cannot practice law. So basically, there's a 6 or 7 month no work penalty for not passing the bar. Too much at stake to take it lightly.
