Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my Mother's death. And it has been a rough fucking year. The kind of year that makes me miss her unconditional love. Even if she wasn't always able to talk to me the way I would have hoped, I knew she loved me, fiercely and without any qualms over anything I have ever done or said. And there was nothing that could change that. That's such an amazing thing that I not only took for granted, but that I didn't understand. The world is a much scarier place without that kind of support. And I have not figured out how to be brave.
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I can't thank Neil Young enough for his album "A Letter Home." I first heard his version of My Hometown while I was driving down to see Mom for the last time. I cried when I heard it, because his voice so perfectly captured the remorse and sadness I was feeling. And the whole album takes me back to that feeling. It has helped me get in touch with the feelings I would rather bury. And it has kept me human in this year.
And if you have listened to the album, you know he's using it to talk to his mother. The way he talks and the things he says makes me feel so warm and so happy. It makes me wish I had a magic box too.
Music is amazing, because if you let it, and if you're lucky, a song, or a whole album of songs, can be there to help keep you going.
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This year has been one of such disappointment and sadness. But, the nice thing is that I feel like things are now heading in a good direction. I just started a job that I like. And I work with people who seem pretty great. And I have been so lucky to have friends and family who love me and who support me. And that keeps me young, even as it feels like the world is pulling me away from youth and fun and life.
Things are going to be okay. Hell, they might even be great.
