So...a lot has happened since I was regularly posting.
One of the biggest things is that I have a job I enjoy. It's not without its challenges and stresses, but mostly I feel good about what I do. I still don't want to talk too much about my work in this forum, but it's mostly good. And having a job I enjoy makes me feel like an actual adult, which is kind of nice.
One thing that has not changed is that my relationship with my father has continued to be weird. I don't know how else to really describe it. Did you know after my mother's death, he didn't call me? He did call my brother but only to ask for her death certificate so he could begin collecting his full retirement (part of which she was collecting as part of the divorce). He did send all three of his children e-cards. As I remember, it was an animated thing with a lone wolf looking wistfully at the moon. So, you know, he felt my pain? Anyway, it has not gotten a lot better.
I got an email from him shortly before my birthday in December. The email was addressed to my sister, brother, and me. It announced that my father had gotten married to his woman-friend. And he had done so December 31 of the year prior. I was bothered by that. Not so much that he got married, because they had been together either a little (or not so little) before or pretty much since he filed for divorce from my mother (depending on whose story you believe). It was inevitable. It also didn't bother me that I had not been invited. After all, I did not invite him to my wedding--a slight, I later learned, that still miffs him. But I get it. It's his wedding, he can do it however he wants.* No, what bothered me was that he waited, or felt like he had to wait, to tell me. And that he did it in an email.
But fine. I took some time and responded. I wanted to respond in a way that would make things better. So, I wrote an email that congratulated him first and a few times. Then said, hey, you know, this is a sign that our relationship is not well. And yeah, that's my fault, but it's your fault too. I said I feel like you've tried to act like there is not a problem, but because you waited, that seems like an admission that there is a problem. I think I said it was a positive step, because now we can figure out how to move forward.
I was happy with my email. I thought, maybe it was even a mature response. Adult-like. And maybe it was. But it was not perceived as such. It was perceived as an attack. So, my father responded very angrily. He acknowledged there was a problem (which is progress), but said the problem was (pretty much) all my making. Well, not really all mine, because he addressed his response to all three of his children, each of whom had expressed in separate emails our separate and individual problems. But all the same, a good many of the grievances he aired were aimed at me. Take for instance that 9 years ago I had decided not to invite him to my wedding. I had not consulted with my brother or sister. It would be weird to assume I had. There were other things listed off, but most of them were aimed at me and my actions. And, let me assure you, I did not handle his actions in the wake of his filing divorce with the kind of grace and aplomb you might normally wish for. And I could try to justify that lack of decorum. But I don't really. I should have been better. I often look back on my actions and think I should have done better. I thought that was at least partially expressed in my response to his secret wedding. But. But there is a catch. Here was my father telling me everything was all my fault. Here he was inviting me to re-litigate our whole issue, when in all truth I felt he had been dishonest before and was continuing to be dishonest. Here he was saying you either agree with me about the way I exited my marriage to your mother, or....well....he didn't state an "or" expressly. But, I still felt it there shrieking at me from between his lines.
And I did not initially know what I wanted to do about it. The thing is, I want to have a relationship with my father. I had been willing to swallow a lot of what I thought was right. I had been willing to try to bury my anger about how things had happened and say, okay, we move forward from here. I suppose it wasn't a relationship as much as a detente. A momentary lapse in the fight. It was still there. These were problems that needed to be solved if we're going to have an actual, real, meaningful relationship.
So, I set about writing another email. I still wanted to respond in a way to make things better. But, I didn't want to accept his "or". And I wanted it understood that I was not going to agree with his version of things. So. I told him pretty much that. I told him, I had been trying to get things to move forward and I was surprised by his anger. I told him he should deal with his children as individuals and that if he blamed my siblings for my action, that he was mistaken. And I told him I am not going to agree with his version of things, but that it's up to him to decide if he wants to find a way forward. I tried to keep it positive. I tried to keep it peaceful. But I feel I failed on both accounts. I think on reading it again my message shows my angst over this whole situation. I think the end either can be read as a demand for him to help me find a different way to address things, or as a desperate plea.
Because that's the shitty thing about it. He's my dad. As much as I want to be angry with him, I know I owe him so much. And there's a very big part of me that will always blame myself for pushing him. I was in an emotional place, but so as he. He was going through a divorce. He was finding someone he loved and who he wanted us to love too. I should have dealt with it better. I should have been more patient. I should have listened. And that's all 100% true.
Here's the thing that keeps me from completely letting him have his way. I'm willing to be introspective and adjust my behaviors and change my stance if and when I see my mistakes. My father is saying the same thing and making the same demands since this all began. He's made no apologies for his actions. He's made no change in his stance or admitted to many (any?) mistakes. It's not that I feel I should be stubborn to match his stubbornness. It's that there is no negotiating with someone who will only take from you and not give you anything. He'll just keep trying to chip away at me--at what I believe--until I believe exactly what he believes. And in a relationship that should be based on love, that's really bad. A betrayal, really.
So. I will wait for his response. I will wait for his response and know there's a high probability that I will be disappointed. I am going to try to give him as many chances as I can--there's a reason I think of him as the prodigal father. And I will try not to be angry or pushy. But man it's a challenge.
*Turns out, how he wants is at an Original Pancakes house, which, alright, cool, I guess.
