Tuesday, December 18, 2007

That's great, it starts with an earthquake...

At the holiday party last Thursday, a lawyer who I hadn't really talked to sat next to me. This was after dinner (at the Shanghai Terrace - very nice!) and drinks which it was clear he had partaken in. He wasn't handsy or anything, but he slurred a couple words and was overly apologetic in a way that someone who is a little too tipsy for their own comfort can be.
We were just talking and he asked where I was from, where I went to school, and what I wanted to do. I told him I went to Grinnell College, and he seemed impressed (it's a very good school and I didn't break any records for academic achievement, but I did pretty well). Then he asked why I was working as a file clerk. I told him I was hoping to get my "creative writing career" going and this was just paying the bills.
I specifically mentioned I wanted to write comics. he asked if I had noticed if our firm represented any comic book publishers. I had and we do. It's not either of the big two, but it's got a good reputation and puts out good books (kissing up? You betcha.)
He said he'd try to help me finagle a way to get my stuff in front of people, "because you need to start planning for your time after" the firm.
Wow. I was shocked and happy. Getting a break like this would be perfect. Exactly what I wanted/needed.
All I had to do was try to find out the attorney who handled the publisher and be ready to accept that he or she might not want to bother their client.
Fair enough.
. . .
Two work days later. Monday at about 3.20, I report to the conference room to talk to my boss and the uber-boss on speaker phone.
Apparently my job has been outsourced. That's the bad news.
The good news, is that they're working with an outsourcing company that may want to hire me and put me right where I am now.
I was floored. I'd just gotten my review a week before and I'd done well. Very well. I mean, it was apparent my boss had put little time or thought into it, but I got a good bonus and I was supposed to get a good raise, so everything was good, right?
I guess yes and no.
During the talk I got from my boss as well as the three people from the outsourcing agency (which seems really good, despite the first picture that outsourcing brings up) kept bringing up that this was a "business decision".
It's cliché of me to deride that what's a "business decision" for them is in fact very personal to me, but it is. Though, that doesn't change anything.
What really strikes me about this (aside from doing it a week before Christmas, which is bad form--business decision or not) is how much I'm not panicking. I'm worried. Definitely concerned. But I'm not yanking out my hair.
Maybe part of the lack of panic comes from still being part of their plans, though part of me does want to tell them to shove it.
But I think I just don't really feel that attached to this job. I like it okay, most the time. I do it well most days. But, I can do better. I should do better.
Another, probably more major part of it, is I'm really starting to see how fragile everything is. And not in that scary, it's gonna break if I fuck it up sort of way, but more, it can break if I don't build it up, sort of way.
I remember a conversation with my father after I was out of college, living in a shit-box apartment, getting over a terrible break-up (a good deal of the terribleness being my fault and causing no little amount of self-doubt and self-loathing). During the conversation, I told my father, "I just feel like I'm floating. Directionless." I don't remember what my father said exactly, but it was sort of a message of don't worry, you'll figure it out. It's okay to float for a while. Okay advice, but I never became fully un-floating. Facets of my life have taken direction, and I've pointed my way on a certain number of them. My career hasn't been one of them.
So, I'll probably end up right where I am now (barring anything unforeseen), getting around the same salary. Doing mostly the same work. Getting better benefits (which I found odd, but sure). This might be better in the short-term and possibly long-term if my writing isn't what I think it is. So, that's good.
But, hopefully I won't be as comfortable. Hopefully the cocoon is broken.
I don't know the lawyer's offer will get me anywhere, but it's a chance. And if I hustle I can get more chances. And that's what I need.
UPDATE: The office admin just sent around a memo that doesn't mention me, or the other employees effected by name. Just says, "our present employees". Shouldn't bother me. Does.

...Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right.

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