- Law school is hard. I know, not exactly an earth-shaking proposition, and probably something I knew in the abstract before entering law school. But, I was not fully prepared for the way in which it is hard. It's, of course, academically challenging, but it's also challenging just to keep up. I'm lucky that I didn't get sick or have something else go wrong that would put me behind, because I cannot imagine having to play catch up.
- Law school is hard, part II. The amount of effort, angst, and worry that go into every assignment and every class is phenomenal. I am kind of a worrier anyway, but when you add to my normal penchant with a competitive environment, a ton of work, and a demand for a high level of precision? Well, you have a recipe for me being a very hard person to be around. I certainly don't like being around me when I'm wallowing in the doubt.
- The curve sucks, but I found the less I worried about it, the better I felt about how I did. Now, I don't have my grades back from first semester finals*, but I think I did well. I at least did the best I could. I know I didn't spend the night in the library, or read (and re-read) non-stop for days, in preparation for finals. I didn't edit my papers four or five times. I know that others did do these things in order to secure better grades than the rest of us, and it bothers me that I don't have the drive to do that. But I don't. Which brings me to:
- I'm not ever going to be a clerk for the Supreme Court or anything so elite. I don't have the raw intelligence, the fine skill, nor the drive required for that. I know going into law school, this was a goal of mine. But, fact is, I don't have what it takes. It sucks to say that, but honestly, this is not why I went to law school. I went to law school, because I want to help people. I've got some idea about how I want to do that, but I'm not sure about anything now. And that's fine. I may get good grades or I may get average grades, I don't know. But the important thing--the thing I hope I keep in mind if the grades don't come back the way I want--is that I'm on my way to doing something that helps the community and the people who live in it. And really, I want to spend time with my wife at the end of my days. I need balance between work and life--it's was one big reason why I didn't want to attend law school and become an attorney in Chicago.
- In law school going slow is better. It's always better to do something right the first time, but it's never been more true for me than when reading and preparing for class. If something has to take 4 hours to get before showing up to class, it's better to spend the time in the beginning than sitting there in class and feel like an idiot because you don't quite follow things. Or worse, get called on to explain something it turns out you don't understand. Luckily, there were only a couple of classes where I was lost and they were in the beginning of the semester. But that fear was good. It made me slow down and try to really understand everything.
- Fear is okay. Fear of failure. Fear of letting down the loved-ones who are sacrificing so much to put me through law school. Fear of looking like a jerk. These are all good motivators, but I found they all ate away at me after a while. There's only so long that fear can push me before I start to need more. Fear pushes me away from places I don't want to go, but the problem is that it doesn't necessarily push me somewhere I do want to go. So, next semester, I'm still going to be afraid, but I'm going to try to get myself moving somewhere I want to be.
- Law school is hard, part III. Law school is a professional school. Ultimately there are two goals: first, to learn to be an attorney (hopefully a good one), and second, to get a job (another thing I worry about). During all the classes, reading, and assignments, I'm supposed to be moving toward these goals. But measuring my progress is hard, unless I put a lot of faith in grades. And while I don't doubt that the grades are meaningful, I don't know if they are measuring my progress in regards to these two goals. The grades may influence my ability to reach these goals, I know, but that's not the same thing.
- It's hard to feel like you're on the road you want to be as a 1L. The whole year is planned out. No choice in classes or professors. The only choice you get is what extra-curriculars to join, and, for my part, I was afraid to over-commit myself, so I didn't join too many last semester. This semester, I think that's going to change. A little. I'm in two groups and do some volunteering on the weekends, but I think I can join another group and volunteer a little more without sacrificing too much of my time. That will be nice.
- Law school is lonely. This is what I'm dreading most about going back to school. It's not just time I have to spend away from my wife and friends (though that does suck), but it's also other things. Over the holidays, I spent time with my father (Thanksgiving) and with my mother (Christmas), and neither of them really know how to handle me going to law school. It's like they think I'm a different person because I'm learning about the law. I am sure it has to do with feelings of regret/inferiority they have, and that neither of them want to make me feel marooned from them. But, it kind of sucks. And it's hard to explain to them that I'm not a different person. Especially because:
- Law school makes you a (slightly) different person. Not really a completely different person, and I'm sure it's different for everyone, but it's there. The whole mantra of the 1L year (at least thus far) is that 'we're teaching you to think like a lawyer.' And when you're thinking like a lawyer, that means you're not thinking like you used to, at least in part. It hasn't changed my beliefs, or how I view the world, but I do find myself questioning things a little more. And (though you probably can't tell from this post), I find I have a little more confidence in dealing with people.
- I've spent a bunch of time during break trying to get things together so I can get a legal job this summer. Wish me luck.
- I can do this. I know this post can be read as a downer, but I am starting to look forward to the next semester. Now that I know I can get through a semester and I have some ideas about how to do it better**, I feel like everything is going to be okay. I do know that more is probably going to be expected of me this semester, but that's okay. I can do more. I will do more.
*Note 1. UGH. I don't want to think about it, but it's all I think about at night.
**Note 2. Outlining from the beginning of the semester. I'm telling you, this is going to decrease the end of the semester insanity by a good 20%.
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