30 from 30...

30 days from turning 30.

30 years old.

It doesn't freak me out that much. It's just interesting to think about in terms of how things have changed for me in the last year and how things are going to change for me soon.

The biggest change is getting married. Which really isn't that much of a change, because we've been together for 4 + years, so. I get some new jewelry and a tax break, very nice.

I guess part of the reason I've started to really reflect on what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going and such. So, to celebrate, I'm gonna ramble for a bit about expectations and my life and such.

In church when I was a kid, I remember people would always ask me what I wanted to be when I got older. For a while I think I said I wanted to be a teacher (before I realized how completely under seige from parents and administrators those poor bastards are). And I remember one woman at church (who we'll call Peggy--because that was her name), seemed to always be dissappointed by that answer.

"Now Joe, don't you think you could be a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or maybe you could even be President." It was a constant message from everyone, set your goals high. Or rather, we have set your goals high. And I've always been so frightened of dissappointing poeple. Not a good combination.

Fast forward two decades plus. I remember when my Dad left my Mom, I went on a spree of writing. It was great (not the Dad leaving Mom thing, that was actually rather hard, despite me being 27ish at the time, but that's another thing). I just suddenly let myself have the freedom to write down the ideas I had. I'm not sure what the connection between the two are, but I think it has something to do with starting to acept that my expectations for my parents (that they'd live together until one or both of them died) weren't realistic. And maybe I started questioning others expectations for me.

What hasn't helped me is the guilt I feel for being relatively healthy and for getting breaks I've gotten. My father and mother both have genetic flaws (for lack of a better word), that have been passed on to my brother and sister (in varying combinations), and not to me (at least thus far). For most my childhood part of going to the doctor for a checkup was going to a heart doctor and having special tests (I can't remember what test it was, thus it's a "special test") to see if we had the same condition as my mother. And I always felt guilty when mine came back clear. And I was always tracked higher in school than my brother and sister. And I remember being told that being tracked higher and taking AP classes didn't make me smarter than my sister, it was just that she was missed. And I understand why my parents said this, but, it wasn't so great for me to not have my talents embraced because they might make others feel bad. (Just two examples. My childhood was mostly happy, I swear).

I don't know. What I do know is that it's time for me to outline my own expectations are and stop worrying as much about others expectations and all of their baggage.

Anyhoo. It seems like 30 is probably a good time to finally figure that seemingly basic idea out and start putting it into practice.