Fargo

Fargo came out in theaters in March of 1996, while I was preparing to graduate from highschool and get to college. Between that timing and the fact that I lived in the middle of Iowa (which is noted for many great things, but its attention to independent film is not one of them), I didn't see this movie for a while.
Anyway, I'm not here to give the history of Fargo as much as I'm here to give my history with Fargo. I've seen the movie less than ten times, but it's clearly my favorite movie ever. I can't remember exactly when the first time I saw it was, but I think it was while I was a freshman at Grinnell. In someone's room, perhaps or at the Harris Center? I can't remember for certain. But I do know that at two very important times in my life, I happened to see this movie. The first is when I was still in college. Junior year, I think. I was friends with a woman who went to a different school in Iowa and I was visiting her there. She was an actress and had a performance that night, which she couldn't end up getting me tickets for, so I was hanging at her place, watching her DVD of Fargo.
Being a junior in college, I could see my future almost written out in front of me. I was going to write some short stories that would get noticed by the right people and I'd get a decent book deal. I'd already started my novel, but hadn't gotten very far. But after my short stories were noticed and I got the advance, I'd be able to support myself long enough to finish it up and then the world would take notice. I didn't think what I was writing could be made into a movie, but maybe it could. Either way, the next couple of books would change things and set me up for life. Or it was something like that.
And that's part of the reason I knew I hadn't gone there intending to sweep her off her feet. I'd had a crush on her for a while, but I had my plan and I intended to stick to it. And besides that, I'm just not the guy who sweeps women off their feet. I'm quirky or interesting maybe, but not a sweeper.
Sitting there watching Fargo, I thought critically about my plan for the first time. Like the plans of everone in Fargo, it seemed like it could work out. Sure, I knew I was a little pollyanna about it and it would be hard work, but I wanted to write. I wanted to be noticed. And I wanted to be someone liked by a lot of people. Isn't that enough? No. Not really. No matter if you're just trying to get some easy cash, or save your daughter from kidnappers, or take your partner's share of the money and get away with murder, often times in life, nothing is that easy.
I didn't really think I'd actually sweep her off her feet, but I made my mind up to try. And I did. Somehow. And that was the first time I was in a good relationship. And even though it didn't work out, it really changed how I saw things from then on out. Now, I didn't stop getting into bad relationships (that would've been awesome, but hey), but at least I knew what a good one felt like. And believe it or not that made all the difference.
See, relationships before weren't all that engaging. I mean, I was in them, but not really. I never showed my hand to a woman. I was shy and afraid and I never tried for the women I thought would be great to date.
I think I've only asked out two women in my life. The first was the one I just mentioned. The second is my wife. And while it's nice to have a good average, I think the small sample size is more than a little disheartening. Or it would be if I were still out there. But, that's a little beside the point. In the other relationships, I had a tendency to look for women I had no business dating, really. Personality mismatches or nutty or needy or extremely conservative (which was kind of funny actually. Remind me to tell you some of those stories). And I think I did it because they showed interest in me. And while I think there's something to be said for taking whatever dates come your way, there's probably something to be said for stepping away when you get the feeling that things won't work. Instead, I stayed in there, blamed myself (which was generally an agreed upon factor) and told myself I wasn't going to do better (which was also agreed on). This blew up on me after college. (And I'm not trying to side step my responsibility in the blow up. A lot of that shit is on me.) And I took 3 years off from dating and put myself together better, smarter and a little more confident.
Anyway, that's a bit of a digression. It was Fargo that made me think about how I wanted my plans to really go. And to think about what was important.
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The second time that Fargo struck me so profoundly was last year. That scene at the end where she can't understand why he did it. The first time I saw Fargo, it was that scene that really made me love the Cohens.
And seeing it again sure helped a lot too.
See, being unemployed (though, I'm currently only underemployed [which I would argue, I was before I was unemployed, but that's beside the point]) gives you a lot of time to think (probably too much time to think). And one of the things I've been chewing on has been what I want to be like when I work.
See, the last couple jobs weren't engaging. They didn't challenge me. And I took that personally. I accepted that things weren't going to get better and that staying in these situations was the best I could do. And it took its toll. I became a little paranoid (justifiably as it turned out, but still) and unhappy. And I just don't want to be that way anymore. Now, I want to be happy and challenged and good at what I do. And I will be.
I'm rocking this semester of classes. I rocked last semester. I even won a scholarship essay contest (which I will put in its own post once Roosevelt puts a link of the announcement up). I have the tools to be good at this. And I'm enjoying it, which is really nice.
But. Last week I had a job interview with a bankruptcy firm that was looking for a "Legal Assistant" (a term used interchangably with "paralegal" in Chicago). They were offering less money and more overtime than I wanted. They also told me that 100% of my job would be "answering the phone" and trying to convince people that bankruptcy was their best option in these tough times. So, this really isn't a Paralegal gig. And to top it off, some of the ways they did business sounded like they'd been taken out of the Legal Ethics textbooks I'd read last semester. And not out of the "this is how it should be done" chapter. So. I wasn't excited about this job. And between that and my questioning them about their legal ethics in the interview (which apparently is not the best move if you want the job [just a tip out there for everyone]), I didn't get the job. In fact, after telling me I'd know by the end of the week, they emailed me 5 hours later. But in that 5 hours, I was conflicted.
I want a job. Sure, I'd like a good job that would be fulfilling, but I'd also like to get the MLB Extra Innings Package this year. So in that 5 hours, I called Dinah and told her how the interview went. And she told me not to take it. I wouldn't have been happy. I may have been uncomfortable with their "ethics". It wouldn't have looked all that great on a resume. And I would've felt bad trying to convince people they should trust lawyers who are going to see them maybe for 20 minutes and tell them to declare bankruptcy. (It's a flat fee thing, so the incentive of the lawyer is get as many bankruptcies through as possible.)
And she was right. I have to put myself in a situation where I can win. And truthfully, we're doing okay. The fact that I'm even considering getting the MLB package is a sign of that (and that I'll be able to work some extra and save up for it so it won't come out of the budget is good too).
(It was also nice to see on Monday this article telling everyone to stay "bold and valiant".)