So, a couple weeks ago I'm going over my first draft of my final for Legal Writing with my professor. He's an adjunct professor, so most of the time he's an attorney in the Chicago area. I had him for Legal Research as well, and I have to admit, he's my favorite. Just a nice man with the patience of a saint. But. We're going over my final and I'm watching him* and he's not making so many marks, which is a good sign. And he looks at me and smiles and says, "yup." And that's pretty much it. He gave me a couple tips and then we were heading into the classroom (because he takes us out to the hall for privacy) when he says, "You know, you should think about law school. You have the mind for it."
The truth is, I've been thinking about law school for a while. I'm really enjoying reading cases. And looking up statutes and cases. I enjoy the types of writing I have to do. And, let's face it, I'm kind of a smart guy. I can be an attorney if I want. So.
I want.
It all seems so logical, I know. But, it's odd. I never really considered law school before. It seemed to me the thing everyone would think I would do. And something about that just made me not want to even try it. So, I didn't. And if I had straight out of college, I have no doubt I wouldn't have liked it. Or been very good at it. See, I think I needed to kick around and get kicked around after college. I don't know why, really. I needed to fail, I guess. I needed to feel like a failure. I don't know if it's some sort of self-punishment, or just figuring things out. I cannot really explain it, but I know myself so much better now than I did then. And maybe that was the point of it.
But, I can say it's been a long trip for me. I've gone through a lot of crazy crap with work and I'm sure the decision to go to law school isn't going to stop all of it, but I finally feel that I'm heading the right way. So. Yeah. That's good.
Of course, I talked to my Mom a couple days after and I mentioned the law school to her. She replied, "I'm surprised." She really wouldn't say why she was surprised, she only really added, "If that's what you really want, then that's what you should do. I only wish I could get your sister to do something." And then we talked about my sister. Which was fine. My mom's interactions with lawyers lately haven't been fun (in fact most people only see a lawyer when they're in some trouble or need, so...yeah, I get it). But, I was hoping for more, I guess. Eh.
When I called her again last weekend she asked where I was thinking about going. She mentioned Drake and I got the feeling she'd like me to move home. I haven't narrowed down things so much, but you know the Chicago area and possibly places in Wisconsin and Minneapolis. All of these are places we've thought about living in (or are currently living in) and I think places we'd be happy for three years (probably more). We'll see. There's a lot of balls in the air with jobs and LSAT and getting accepted, so it's probably a little soon to know anything about that part of it.
But. That's all beside the point. I feel good about where I'm going. Actually, I think I just like knowing where I'm going, because since college, I haven't really had that. I've watched my friends figure out where they want to be and at least start down the path and I've been really envious of them. But, it just took me this long to figure it out I think. Well, to figure it out and decide that I could actually do it. I'm an odd guy. I have a pretty decent sized ego, but I couldn't always believe I was capable of going to law school and doing well.
Sometimes I think Grinnell punched my confidence in the nuts and it's just taken a while for me to get my legs back under me. But the truth is I've always been a little afraid of how my success has been read by my family. I've always felt a little bit guilty when I did well, or went to a good college, or even missed having the heart and thyroid conditions that plague my family. Some of that's just a fluke, but a lot of it is stuff I worked for and (frankly) deserved. But, I remember when I was asked to go to the magnet school in downtown Des Moines. I'd go half-days and take accelerated classes and AP classes and I was really proud and excited.** But, I remember we were sitting down to dinner and the whole family was talking about it and my sister wondered why she didn't get asked. (She's older, so they would've asked her a couple years before this.) And my mom said, "They just missed you from 1st grade on. You're just as smart as anybody."
And I'm not here to tell everyone I'm smarter than my sister. She's a smart person and she's got a lot going for her. But. I was kind of having my little moment there and it got sidetracked. And like so many things in my family, it got sidetracked by someone feeling awkward and inadequate (and hey, myself included in that. Big time).
So, yeah. There's a bit of a parallel to the talk I had with mom about law school. But the difference is now, I expected it. I sighed. Didn't like it. Still don't like it, really, but that's how it is. And when I tell my sister she'll probably feel a little odd about it and maybe wonder if she could do it, but not say anything. Which is too bad. Because she could do it. Maybe she even should.
I digress.
UPDATE: With one week to go, he made no marks on my final. No marks. He said, "just slap on a conclusion and you're done." Nice.
****
The talking with my father is going. It's slow and stilted and I have no idea how to fill him in on the 2 or so years of my life he missed out on, but, it's something. He's talking about wanting to visit us or having us visit him. Which. I'm cautious about. I have this feeling that he thinks that we'll see each other and everything will go back to the way it was. And he's probably sort of right about that. I talk a good game, but I have a tough game, but I would have a tough time being rude to my father right to him.
Ugh. And meeting his wife(?).*** I don't relish this. She said some seriously shitty things to me after I said that I wanted to meet her later--after I'd figured out how to deal with my father. But now. Well, now I think my father expects that if I'm meeting him, I'm meeting her. And if he's traveling all the way to Chicago (cause I'm probably not heading to central Iowa till the holidays--Sorry Mom****), he's probably bringing her with him. And it's a little weird to say, hey, "you're seeing me solo, pal", and he's not gonna think about it unless I say it. (Or, alternatively, he's not gonna want to think about it unless I make him.)
And there's part of me that thinks it's better just to meet her. So, there's that. It'll get figured out.
*Note. I hate watching people read what I write. I avoid it whenever possible, because I am not good at watching someone do something as passive as read what I put time and effort into putting together. I know no one's reading the things I write and cheering to themselves or crapping their pants in ecstasy, but I'm shallow, and I like to think that maybe they are. Especially when I'm writing about age discrimination in housing complexes of greater than eight units in Lake County, IL. Seriously, that's a poop-worthy topic.
**Note. And truthfully this was the best thing that could've happened to me. I met some great people and made good friends there. This saved me, not only from the hell of regular high school (sorry Lincoln, but...you know...it wasn't a great match you and I), but it also challenged me and gave me the confidence to try new things.
***Note. They're not married. But, they're everything but married. If that makes sense. Either way, I don't know how to refer to her...well, I have some names I've bandied about, but none of them are acceptable for the internet. (Yeah, they're that unsavory.) So, we'll just stick with calling her the wife(?).
****Note. Oof. I haven't even mentioned to my mother that I'm talking to him. She'll be a little weirded out by this. Blah.
No comments:
Post a Comment