I don't know if I'm strange or not, but I can't tell if I'm happy.
I think I am. I certainly think I should be. But, I'm just not sure if I am actually and truly happy. There's certainly a lot of plusses right now. Great wife. Really liking being in Minnesota. I'm even losing weight now, thanks to the routine I've settled in. So, yeah, things are good in a lot of ways.
But, and I'm sure this is completely expected, law school is something of an enigma. I mean, some days I come out of class feeling like I'm getting it. Like I can participate in class and really add something to the discussion. That's a great feeling. But then the next day, I will feel completely bewildered and like I'm barely keeping my head above water. And a lot of the time, I just feel really isolated. I spend so much time in the library reading, that just getting out to see and be around people is such a treat. I didn't quite expect that.
I like my classes for the most part. I am having trouble putting it together in Civil Procedure, but I think that's getting better. See, and there's something that really plays on my insecurities. I think it's getting better. I don't know. Not for sure, anyway. One of the ways everyone seems to measure whether you know what is going on is class participation. But that's hit and miss, because sometimes the professor will push you, just to see if you can make an argument back. That hasn't happened too much yet, but it's starting to now, so knowing if what you say is "right" or is just stupid drivell is not as easy as one would expect. I am putting in the time reading and I've decided I need to put more time into reviewing and start outlining, but it's all guess work. There's no way of knowing for sure if that's gonna work. You really don't know until the final exams.
And working on school six days a week for 9-10 hours a day is really tiring.
And yet. I pretty much pop out of bed in the morning at 6.20 and that feeling of dread and disappointment in where I had ended up--that's gone. Not completely, because there is still my worry that I'm gonna mess this all up somehow. But it's mostly in the back of my mind as opposed to the pit of my stomach. And that's a big difference. Huge.
And I think maybe that means I'm happy. Because I think it means there's nowhere else I'd rather be and nothing else I'd rather be doing. Well, except maybe taking something other than Civil Procedure, but really it's all small quibbles.
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I get my first shift at the self-help clinic tomorrow, and I'm so looking forward to it. I know I have to learn all this material to pass law school and actually be an attorney, but I'm hoping the clinic helps me remember why I want to do all that stuff.
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