Gumshoe #3 and #4 are both up at the new blog. The editing of the old story is going pretty well. I'm not changing much of the story, just some things I find that don't quite fit or don't work. Mostly, I'm adding material now that I know exactly where I'm heading. I really liked the way I did it the first time, because at some points I would just decide to go a different way and make a sudden change. That kept it interesting for me, but it may have come at the price of not being as coherent and understandable as I would've hoped for. Anyway, I think I'm fixing a lot of that now. AND, I'm working on the second story now. I'm writing it up in much the same way as I did the first, but without subjecting the reader to the less coherent part. The second story will likely be smaller than the first, but I'm liking the way it's reading and the story I think I'm telling. We'll see.
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I did not make law review, which I am surprised and disappointed by. I really thought I wrote a great note and I did the best I could with the citations, which are admittedly not my favorite thing in the world. It turns out it wasn't good enough. That's been tough to accept.
This 1L year has been a real test for me in a lot of ways, as I'm sure you could surmise from reading any number of posts here. My confidence in my ability to write, to think, to learn, to communicate, and to belong all felt as though they were under attack at different points of the year. Some days I felt certain I knew what I was doing and where I was going, but many more days I felt like I had no idea if I could do what was expected of me. I worried about keeping my scholarship, of making friends, of not looking like a fool or a gunner, and mostly of failing. See, for a long time I worked in an office doing stuff I knew I could do--stuff I didn't have to try that hard to stay on top of. But law school, and being an attorney, it's different. I think I can do this. I think I can even do this well. But, I don't know that for sure. And every day in law school felt like I had to tell myself that I could do it, even when most days I didn't quite believe that. By the end I was tired and, while I never questioned whether this is where I want to be, I did wonder if I would be able to get charged up for next year.
But now that the grades are in and this law review test is over, it's done. The 1L year is completely over. And while I consider it a positive experience, I'm happy it's over. I'm ready to start working on the things I came to law school for. And the first thing on that list is my student certification.* I talked to the people at school and found out they are sending my materials to the Minnesota Supreme Court to get approval, which I'm hoping happens in 8 days or less (you know to avoid the state shutdown). My clerkship has been a really interesting time, but one of the biggest plusses it has going for it is the ability to work as a certified student attorney. Now, that doesn't mean my doubts go away, of course. I'm not naive enough to think that just because I am called a 2L instead of a 1L means I have settled all the doubts this past year raised and magnified.
But something did change. I made it through a year of this. I can do it. And I think after getting some hands-on experience this summer, I feel like I can do this well. It's not quite like knowing I can do it, because there's always going to be a challenge to this. There's always going to be another test in one form or another. But that's exactly why I'm here.
My batteries aren't quite recharged and ready for another year, but I know for sure they will be.
I know expressing self-satisfaction on the internet is a dangerous thing and it opens you up to mockery, but I have to say, I'm really proud of myself. I took on a challenge here and I've given it a really good effort. And I have done better than I would've guessed (which isn't always better than I expect, oddly enough).
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Family. Ugh. Father's Day had not been a fun time of year for me since my dad decided to leave my mom a few years back. Honestly, it's been enough years that I really should be over this, but I am not. It doesn't help that my dad and I cannot talk about the way things went down. It seems that part of my agreeing not to be estranged was agreeing that we would act as if nothing happened. Which is uncomofortable.
And which really hiders our relationship from being anything more than a facade. Mostly I think it's better than not talking to him, or openly arguing with him. But more than that, I just wish we could have a good relationship. It would be nice.
I remember right after my parents split up, I went to a psychiatrist. And after Father's Day of that year, I went in for our scheduled appointment and complained about the crappiness between my father and I. I think I said something about how it seemed like everyone got to have a good relationship and I got this. And he just asked me what I thought he'd been hearing from the rest of his patients all day.
Yeah. Perpective is a nice thing.
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*Note 1. For those who might not be familiar, a lot of states, Minnesota included, allow law students who have certain minimum standard grades and credits to work under the supervision of licensed attorneys. This means the students can appear in front of a court, draft and sign breifs to the court, and such.
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