Thursday, December 1, 2011

A duty to one's self.

Well.  My Grandmother died.  She was 95 and had been in declining health for a number of years, so while it's sad, I'm mostly happy as I think about the great many years I got to know her.
But.  It wouldn't be my family if there was not drama developing around this.  And being my family, we've got drama coming at you in two different ways.  Drama over-achievers?  Quite possibly.
The grandmother here is my dad's mother.  And as most of you know, my mother and father divorced about 5 or so years ago.  It has not been an amicable divorce, and I've had feelings of confusion and anger in dealing with both parents.  I think my relationship with my mother is good.  My relationship with my father is less good, but probably the best it's gonna be.
Drama #1:  Before the divorce, my mother and my grandmother were pretty good friends.  Even after the divorce, my mom visited my grandmother in her nursing home on occasion.  So, naturally, my mother would like to go to the funeral.*  Which, I don't think should be a big deal.  So, she's going to drive up with my brother on Saturday, and apparently she's going to sit in the back and try to not get in the way.  But.  She and my brother don't want to tell my father she's coming.
And while I think my father shouldn't react poorly to this, I think there's a distinct possibility he will.  Or that his woman-friend will.  And who knows how my mother would react to that?  Not me.
I mean, yes, this is a funeral, so everyone should have their adult-pants and not be argumentative or what-not.  But, this is a funeral and emotions could be running high.  So, who knows?  This will be the first time my parents will be in the same room for nearly 6 years, when they were in the same courtroom finalizing the divorce.  And while my Dad repeatedly said he want to be friends at that point, I do wonder about the sincerity of that.  And whether there was a self-serving motive for those statements.
Anyway.  I've told my brother and mother that it might be wise to give Dad a heads-up, because hey, it's his mother's funeral and maybe we shouldn't give him too many surprises.  But they don't seem to want to do that.  So.  Yeah.  I'm trying to stay out of the middle of this, but man it's not easy.
Drama #2:  I can't go to the funeral.  It's too close to finals, and the way a couple of these classes feel, I want to have every chance I can to get the material down.  I told my father last night, and he sounded understanding, but I know he's disappointed.  And I kind of feel bad.  Because that's what I do.
But what underlies both of these dramas is what do I owe to my parents.  Do I owe it to my mom to not tell my dad?  Do I owe it to my dad to tell him?  Do I owe it to him to go to the funeral?
The answer I've come to is that I owe it to myself to do what I think is best for me.  It's been 6 years and this whole divorce drama is tiresome and fruitless.  And I'm not going to get anything out of it.  I've got a wife now.  I'm going to have a family of my own.  And the longer I drag around in all of this, the more damage I'm going to do to myself.  And the harder it is going to be for me to fix that.
I know I won't be able to be completely kept out of all of this, but I'm gonna do my best.

*Note 1.  I think it bears mentioning that my mother could not attend her own mother's funeral when she died about 17 years ago.  My mom had just had open-heart surgery, and so couldn't travel.  I can't imagine what not going to your own mother's funeral feels like.

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