Competitive Friendships, or the Pettiness of Law Students

Me mid-finals period.  It ain't pretty, but I'm getting through this

Law students are a bitter, hard-bitten lot.  And none more so than 3Ls, with the great, wide world waiting to welcome them so soon, but the grip of the classroom still holding firm.  Even with the job market not being the best, we 3Ls are ready to leave what is now the mundane day-to-day of the law school semi-existence.  We have put in almost three years of hard studying and work at the expense of doing many things we enjoyed.  Even if we're not technically licensed to be lawyers, we're ready to get out there find jobs and start doing things--even if it's not exactly what we thought we would be doing when we came in.
I can't speak for everyone's reasons about being tired.  But for me, one of the biggest is that I'm tired of the forced competition.  I know at Mitchell, I have it pretty good.  There are not many cutthroats and we use the term "gunner" mostly to mean someone who talks in class a lot.  This is not the environment where someone steals your books, or takes all the necessary material out of the library, or any of the other horror stories that happen around other law schools.  But the way every law school is set up is that there is direct competition on an almost daily basis--which makes sense given the adversarial system we'll all be working in.  We're all competing for grades in classes, for class rank, for externships, for clerkships, and ultimately for jobs.  It's an odd situation, because I have gotten to know a lot of people here, and like a great many of them.  And yet, the competition always kind of there.
I have made it a policy not to discuss my grades with anyone.  I tell my wife, but other than that, I don't really talk about them.  It has been my attempt to minimize the interaction of the competition on my life and my relationships with people.  But, as you might expect, the fact that I have a policy does not mean that others feel the same way.  I think others don't see why grades are a big deal one way or the other.  It's ultimately all about getting a job, right?  Grades have some bearing on that, but they're not everything, so why is it a big deal to talk about them?  The answer to these questions are that we don't all feel that way about grades.  In fact, it's been my experience that some who claim grades aren't that big a deal are people who really want to know how you've done, for whatever reason.
I had an uncomfortable situation yesterday when two friends started discussing their grades, specifically in a class that we had all had together.  They mentioned that someone had won the CALI* in that class and how that person probably didn't deserve it.  Both my friends started talking about their grades in this class and then in others and their class rank.  All the things I don't like to talk about, so I just kept my mouth shut.
And another part of me worried about how my silence might be interpreted.  It would be easy to take my silence as embarrassment about my law school performance.  Or that I had done so well that I don't worry about grades.  Or that I was somehow above it all--which is certainly not true.  I worry about my grades a lot.  Too much.  And I would if they were higher or lower--it's just how I am.
I found the conversation uncomfortable not only because of the ugliness of the comments, but also because it was a reminder that I am competing with these people.  If I had won the award, these kind of comments could be aimed at me.  And given that I have become a talker in many classes, these kinds of things are probably being said about me.  It was a reminder that in law school, you're not really a member of a team.  I'm trying to do my best, and even when I'm studying with others, there's a tension because there are only so many A's and there's every incentive to learn what you can from the other person and not give up your great ideas.  I'm not sure if that's what was going on yesterday or not, but after that conversation, I can't say it's not a possibility.
I can't say that out in the real world this problem will go away--it won't.  We'll be competing for jobs, clients, awards, and verdicts.  It's a competitive business by its very nature.  But at least there you have a really good idea who's team you're on.  If they're on the other side of the -v-, then they are not on your side.  If they are on the same side of the -v-, there's a good chance they're at least working toward something you're working toward.  And if you're in a firm, yes there's competition there (promotion, office space, mentors, good assignments), but I have to believe (and have to end up somewhere where) everyone wants the firm to succeed.
If nothing else, once I'm out of law school, I will meet people who aren't law students and lawyers.  I will have time to spend with them and become friends with them.  And I will not have to compete with them.  But all this competitive pettiness has really missed my college friends.  I never questioned their motives.  I still don't.  We argued, but it was never a question of whether we respected each other or who had better grades, or other petty bullshit.  It was usually over whose turn it was to get the six pack.  And anytime any of you are up here, I'm saying right now I will get the next one.

*Note 1.  The Center for Computer Assisted Legal Instruction gives out an award to student who earns the highest grade in every course (unless the professor declines to participate).

Not dancing yet, but I will

Remember that Springsteen Concert, I went to?  Well, right after I came back to St. Paul, my big toe started hurting and my left foot swelled up.  I couldn't bend the toe and it hurt to put weight on it without wanting to collapse.  At first, I wrapped an Ace bandage around it and tried to tough it out, figuring it would figure itself out.  After a week, though, I couldn't take it anymore and went to a Clinic to have a person smarter than myself deal with it.  The doctor who looked at it said it could be three things.  It could be a stress fracture, severe tendinitis, or it could be gout.  And she was sure it was gout.
For those of you who don't know, gout is a condition caused by the build-up of uric acid in the blood stream, and it commonly flairs up after someone indulges in high-protein foods and/or alcohol.  Given that I had noticed the symptoms right after going to Chicago and indulging in some amazing food and more than a bit of alcohol, the diagnosis made a lot of sense.  But, we wouldn't know for sure without a blood test, which I would have to come back for next week.  She seemed pretty sure it was gout though.  I hoped to hell she was wrong.
Gout, as you probably know, is not curable.  It's a disease that once you have it, you keep having recurrences of it throughout your life.  Which means you need to avoid alcohol and protein.  And that does not sound like a lot of fun.  But more than that, I really did not want to believe I could have something at this age that could not be cured.  I didn't want to believe that my body was defective, for lack of a better word.  I know my body will turn on me at some point and I'll get some condition, disease, or problem that I won't have any choice but to deal with for the rest of my life.  But, I didn't want to believe I was old enough for that to start happening now.  Which is ridiculous, but that has not stopped me from believing irrational things in the past and I doubt it's stopping me now.
The doctor prescribed some anti-inflammatory meds, which is apparently the treatment for any of the problems it could be and I scheduled a follow-up visit with my regular doctor.  In the interim, I wore around a walking boot for a couple of days, which aggravated my back and made me feel even older and more infirmed.  I was miserable.  I take walking around, dancing*, and general mobility for granted and this was pointing out to me how important those things are to me and my sense of well-being.
By the next week, the inflammation and swelling had gone down and I was in much better shape.  It still hurt, but it was better.  We did the blood test and he examined the joint that was the problem and he decided that I had merely sprained my toe joint, which most likely happened when I was dancing at the Springsteen concert--Wrigley Field had exacted its revenge on me once again. 
I say merely a sprain, because it's better than gout, but it was a really good sprain.  Luckily the same anti-inflammatory medication was the right way to go and all that was necessary was to rest it and do some physical-therapy-style exercises.  So that's good news.  And in fact, things now are almost all back to normal.  I've been wearing some spiffy tennis shoes to school for a couple weeks and that's helped insulate my foot and I'm doing my exercises.  I'm probably at 85% now.  Not dancing yet, but I will soon.
*Note 1.  Not good dancing, but dancing around my house when I'm feeling good or when I need to feel good.  Or just for whatever.  This is generally not the kind of dancing I would inflict on others.

Mooted

So.  I am looking over my off-brief argument for moot court.  For those who don't know, some moot courts require contestants to argue the case they're given both ways.  That is, everyone is required to turn in a brief of their argument and then during the oral argument phase, they are required to argue for their brief (the "on-brief argument") and later against the position of their brief (the "off-brief argument").  It's designed to make you better at oral arguments, because you're looking at both sides of the argument and can then prepare for what the other side will say.  But, because I was writing a brief on one side, that side got much more attention and was better researched.
This hadn't been much of a problem until two weeks ago when I was last giving my off-brief argument.  And I got completely destroyed by a professor.  I mean destroyed.  He decided that my reading of a convention was not correct and, after us going back and forth (me respectfully, him less so*), he just happened to have the convention with him and read it out--looking straight at the convention and reading it out slowly and methodically.  And where I contended the language was "as such," he read out "such as," which changes the meaning of everything I was saying and pretty much killed me.  It was embarrassing and humiliating.  It was beyond discouraging.  It meant I needed to re-do all the research I had put into that argument, and given the fact that we're so close to the competition date, it meant I had wasted the prior time and I had to get my shit together.
This professor and I have a history.  I took a class with him last semester and ended up really respecting him.  He's sharp, articulate, and prepared.  He was the smartest guy in the room, and I couldn't blame him for enjoying that.  We didn't always agree on the subject matter, but I received good feedback throughout the class with him.  I also did a writing project with him that further showed me that he was a great guy.  He was not always happy with what I had written and had a tendency to be very dismissive when I was on the wrong track, but I always thought it came from a place of helpfulness.  I thought he really wanted me to succeed and do better work than I had.
So.  Fast forward to today when I am doing my research.  I looked at the convention as it was reprinted in our packet for the competition.  And it says "as such," as I contended.  Okay.  No biggie, we're supposed to be using live legal precedents and such, so it's probably just a misprint.  I mean, this professor was looking right at the friggin' thing.  And this at least explains my problem.  I hadn't researched this as thoroughly as I should have.
So.  I look it up from a reliable source that does not make misprints.  And it says "as such," as I fucking contended it did.  I've checked 5 different and very reliable sources.  They all agree that the conventions says "as such," which means either this professor of law didn't read it correctly when he was stridently reading out the convention to me, or it means he lied for some reason.  I can't help but think he lied.  I don't want to delve into the possible reasons, but he was reading it very carefully and very slowly and looking specifically for whether it said "as such," or "such as."  And I wouldn't mind so much if after we were done, he didn't look at me and say, "Well, I got you on that point."
I guess I have to chalk it up as a lesson.  I'm not exactly sure what that lesson is, beyond you can't take anyone's word for it, even if they're reading from the book.

*Note 1.  Which he explained as preparing us for the judges who are likely to be less than patient with us.

Jobs (or breaking out of my paralysis)

So my moot court brief is in.  The worst of that is over, and now I have to turn my attention to what I have been putting off since...well, since a long time ago.  I have to turn my attention to getting a job.
About a year from now, I will have (hopefully) just been told I passed the bar and that my career as an attorney can officially begin.  And my goal is to have a job at least close to in place by that time.  But, of course, there are obstacles to this.  Some of them I have absolutely no control over (the job market*, the whims of employers**, and the randomness of job searching).  I need to let go of as much of that as I can and concentrate on what I do have control over, because I have focused so much on all of that and I have come away feeling depressed or angry.  But more than that, I've come away feeling paralyzed.  And I cannot afford that anymore.  I have to get moving.
So let's focus on what I can control.
First--my grades (more or less).  I don't know if now that I'm done with OCI*** that the employers I will be looking at will be less concerned with grades.  I've been told that by a couple of people, but I'm not quite buying it.  It probably cannot hurt in any situation to say, 'but look at my grades, I'm awesome.'
Second--my networking.  I am not comfortable with "networking" as a concept.  I am not comfortable with "networking" in action.  I am a quiet, introverted person and getting out there and asking people a bunch of questions, while also giving them information on me and what I'm looking for in a job, is daunting to me.  But this is how jobs are found, I'm told.  And it's not like I'm an uninteresting person.  I just have trouble opening-up, which I think is pretty common.  So.  I just have to be more assertive and confident.  Which I can do.  No, I really can.
Third--my goals.  A) what kind of work I want to do.  This has probably been my biggest problem with the whole job-getting thing.  I don't know exactly where I want to work.  I have friends who love love love criminal law, or tax law****, or elder law. I have not had that, exactly.  I have really liked working with clients.  I really enjoy the times when I've been able to counsel them (under supervision, at this point), talk with them, you know, actually be a lawyer.  I've liked the areas I've worked in, but I think more than the law, I've liked the clients.  And if I had to distill it all down, that's what I want--to work with individuals, and not huge corporate entities (by which I mean small business would be fun to work with, but not gigantic corps.).  This eliminates some career paths, but not that many really.  And when someone asks what sort of law I want to be in, I feel odd saying, 'I want to help people.'  It just feels like something a naive person says.  And it doesn't say anything about what I want to do, really.  You can help people in almost any type of law.
At this point, I am really having trouble breaking it down farther than that.  I don't want to foreclose an area of law that may end up being interesting, but I also don't want to come off like an idiot who doesn't know what they want to do (even though this might be true).
B)  where I want to work.  This is actually a much easier question for me.  I want to work at a medium or small firm (or in the government if possible).  I want to work in an atmosphere that allows for challenge, but I don't want to feel like I have not time for life.
Fourth--my expectations.  Look, it is shitty in the job market right now.  So, yes, I have to hustle and get to know people, hoping they'll want to help me out.  But I need to allow for the fact that a lot of my running around may lead nowhere.  And that has to be okay.  At the same time, I need to be smart about using my time, because I am still pretty busy with school and such.  I won't get a job in one day, so I just need to allow for that.

*Note 1.  For the love of all that is good, can any attorney I talk with about the job market not mention the words, "tough," "rough," or "shitty" to me?  I know it sucks.  Reminding me of it just makes me feel like I should be doing more.  (And, yes, I probably should be doing more, but reminding me of that is not necessary.)  I also don't need to be reminded that competition is fierce.  I can compete.  Trust.
**Note 2.  One actual job interview I went on involved the interviewer speaking in the most convoluted way he could think of (and he was really creative about it) and then asking me, "Now, what did I just say?"  He was testing my ability to reason on my feet, which is fair, I suppose.  But man that sucked.
***Note 3.  Ugh.
****Note 4.  For real.  LOVES tax law.  I took income tax this semester partially hoping I too would fall for the sultry seductress of spreadsheets, but alas, it was not meant to be.

The Springsteen Concert--Told in Mosaic

Wrigley Field the night of the concert.

Last Saturday I was lucky enough to have the chance to get to see Bruce Springsteen in concert.  In Chicago, which, as anyone reading this probably knows, is a place I lived for almost 10 years.
As most of you probably also know, I have been a Springsteen fan for a long time.  And one of my regrets was that I had never had the opportunity to see him live before.  Either because he was not touring, or because when he was I just couldn't pull the money together to get to the nearest concert.  So when he announced a tour for his newest album, I was determined to get to see him.  When the dates were first announced, they did not include anything terribly close to me, so I talked Dinah into going to Chicago to see him.  I am a lucky man, because it did not take long to convince her, despite the fact that I am a law student, which means I am not making money right now and disposable income is not the easiest thing to come by.
So.  Saturday.  I was so excited all day.  I tried not to appear too anxious, but I had been looking forward to this all day.  All week, really.  Probably longer.  Walking up to the concert was exciting.  A horde of people had descended on Wrigley Field.  And it was electric.  People of all different ages and backgrounds coming together for one purpose.

The stage before the concert

The show was scheduled to start at 7:30 and we got to our seat at 7:15.  And we waited.  And waited.  People were still filing in at 7:45, and I sat there waiting for it to start.  Thoughts started creeping into my head.  Maybe this isn't happening.  There's been an accident.  Or there's an ordinance that won't let him perform tonight.  Or something.  Around 8:00, I was starting to twitch a little when I heard people on the roof decks next door start to cheer.  And I see they're pointing.  And I smiled.
Quickly, I could see that the cheering had made its way to the field, as the band was making its way to the stage.  Now, not any band, mind you.  This was the E-Street band.  The excitement was coming to a boil.  Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street band was walking to the stage and they were going to play music--their music--for me.  Very soon.
I think the concert started around 8:05.  I don't really remember.  I remember the whole concert, but not in a way that is tied to time.  I remember it in a way that is tied to the way I was feeling.  Before the concert, I felt nervous and anxious.  As soon as the music started, I felt such joy.  All the previous emotions exploded and I was able to just enjoy everything.  So what happens next, in this blog isn't really tied to time or chronology.  It's just a few things I can share.
*****

Official (blurry) Wrecking Ball flags

"Sometimes I feel so weak, I just want to explode..."
They started with "Promised Land," I started crying.  Everything was perfect.  The music hit me like a ton of joyful, happy bricks.  I was surprised by the harmony and the sudden sensation of music filling the night.
***
"Because the night belongs to us..."
Nils Lofgren.  His guitar solo on "Because the Night" was amazing.  He tore that song to shreds, as he kick-whirled in circles and took that song to a place of such intensity that my heart pounded in rhythm.  I don't do his solo justice.  It was the most awesome display of uninhibited badassery that I have ever witnessed.
*****
"Now get yourself a song to sing and sing it 'till you're done
Yeah, sing it hard and sing it well
Send the robber barons straight to hell..."
Tom Morello is a technical master of the guitar.  He should be studied by scientists and musicians.  And his guitar solos were also fucking amazing.  The big screens showed closeups of his hands as he was playing, and that was fucking mesmerizing.  His hands seemed to be lightly touching the strings, but the way he made the guitar shriek and shudder was gorgeous and haunting.
And the fact that he written on his guitar was "ARM THE HOMELESS" just added to his amazingness.
****
Speaking of haunting.  Eddie Vedder.  I had no idea he was a Chicago person, but when he and Bruce sang "My Hometown," it was so affecting.  But nothing beats hearing Springsteen and Vedder's duet on "Darkness on the Edge of Town."  So much soul.  So much heart and pain.  And so fucking rocking.  Vedder's voice is perfect for that song.  I can't.  I don't have the words to explain how amazing that song was.
****
And really, I don't have the words for anything that happened afterwards.  When "Born to Run" came on, I felt everything in my body shake.  I felt energy shoot through me.  I've never felt anything like that.
****
"Hold tight to your anger,
hold tight to your anger,
hold tight to your anger, and don't fall to your fears..."
When he sang Wrecking Ball, something in me that I didn't realize was asleep woke up.  And, of course, I cried.  This is where I put the concert in the context of my life...so if you're looking just for concert blabbering, you probably want to skip ahead now.
As most of you know, I'm in law school.  My third year of law school, which means I have to find a job soon.  And the market out there is really tough.  It's been three years of assuming everything will work out, even when things haven't worked out.  It's been three years of working really hard, mostly alone--and feeling that loneliness very much with me most days, especially these days.
I remember listening to this song when it originally came out before I started law school.  I was sitting in the old white caravan that Dinah and I had bought from her parents.  I had downloaded the song and had been listening to it almost on repeat for a while.  That particular night I was meeting Dinah and some friends at a Thai restaurant for New Year's Eve, I think.  I was a little late getting off from work, because I was the only person who needed to stay late on New Year's Eve.  Just as I was parking, "Wrecking Ball" came on.  I sat there in the space and just listened to it, thinking about law school and wondering whether I was really up to it.
And that night came back to me as the song rushed out at me.  Law school had been popping in my head throughout the night.  And that's the genius of music.  If it's good music, it can capture you.  It can hold your attention, while also drawing you to the things in your life that are on your mind.  And this song called up the many moments where I've felt the body blows of law school.  And it reminded me that I've survived them all.  And I will survive this getting a job thing too.  
*****
"I think perhaps "C" protected me from a world where it wasn’t always so easy to be an insecure, weird and skinny white boy either.  But, standing together we were badass, on any given night, on our turf, some of the baddest asses on the planet.  We were united, we were strong, we were righteous, we were unmovable, we were funny, we were corny as hell and as serious as death itself."

There was a moment in the first part of the concert where he talked about ghosts.  He said we're always taught when we're young that ghosts are something to be afraid of, but they're not.  Ghosts are the pieces of things we carry with us, that remind us of who we are.  And he told us to close our minds and think about the ghosts we carry.  Think about them and they will be there with you.  Think about them and they will be standing with you.  I closed my eyes, thinking about the moving eulogy (quoted above) Springsteen gave for Clarence Clemons. And with tears seeping between my closed eyelids, I could see my ghosts.  I could see the people who helped me become the person I am.  I could see them standing next to me.  Not just people who are dead, because I've been pretty lucky not to have lost too many people close to me.  The people who stood with me were people I don't get to see much anymore.  The people who I miss like they were family, even though many of them aren't.  I miss all my Chicago family, lately very desperately.
I've been so worried about law school and getting a job, and being a grown-up lately.  That I've really longed for the days when it was easy for me to have a family.  I've really longed for a group of people to tell me, or show me that everything is going to be all right.  Poor Dinah has had to shoulder a load that used to be spread over a number of people, and it has not been fair to her.  I've been feeling so alone and so alienated from everything.  But I'm not alone.  The ghosts aren't gone.  They're standing there with us.
*****
There was another moment during "Tenth Avenue" when the music cut and a montage of Clarence was shown.  So affecting.  The specter of Clarence hung over the whole concert.  At first I wasn't sure how that was making me feel.  It was odd to see another sax player, even if he was Clarence's nephew and he was tremendous.  But I came to understand, partially through the earlier talk of ghosts when we all knew Bruce was talking about Clarence, and partially through this moment, that this was a celebration of Clarence.  It was special to be a part of it.
*****
I am never going to meet Bruce Springsteen.  As amazing as that would be for me, it's just not something that seems really likely.  But there is something very beautiful about his music--it speaks to me in a way no other musician's music can consistently do.  His music has given me courage, and made me feel more like the person I dream I am.  Just listening to it on CD, or radio or iPod--whatever--it can make me feel so many different things.
But hearing it live.  Hearing it straight from the man himself.  I can now say I have met the music.  I interacted with it.  It was a living, breathing, fiery, terrifying, sensitive being of soul and heart.  And it knew me.  It pushed me past feelings of insecurity, sadness, loneliness.  It corralled something I haven't really been able to tame for a while.  It was purifying.  It was maddening.  It was everything I wanted it to be, and more than I could have expected.  I can hope to meet the music again (and I do...I really do).  I hope that a little part of that night, the ghost of that music, will always stand with me when I hear the music.  I think it will.

Why yes, it has been a while since I posted...But now I move forward...

There are many reasons I have not posted here in a while.  The first was law school was busy last semester (and will be this semester too, so...).  The second is this summer I really did not know what to say.  It was a good relaxing summer and a lot of things were on my mind, but I didn't really have a lot to say about them.
Not that I have so many answers right now, but I'm  at least in a mind where I can talk about them.  Two things in particular hit me this summer.
The first thing that hit me this summer was that this was my last full-summer break.  Next year I will be studying for the bar, which I hear is not relaxing.  And a good number of years after that (God willing) I will be lawyering.  So, a lot of the things I planned to do this summer, like update this blog or my Gumshoe stuff, took a back seat to my selfish feeling that I wanted to milk it a little.  I did work this summer, at two great places, and I wrote my long paper.*  But I also made sure I found time to read a couple books, see some movies, and generally mess around.  It was good.
The second thing that hit me this summer was that (and I don't know that I want to really own this statement right now) I like law school.  And.  I am going to miss it when it is over.  As I sit here going over cases for the moot court I made,** thinking about the amazing amount of work that sits in front of me this semester, I can't say I feel this quite as fully as I did back then.  But, it's still true.  Law school has been a good experience for me, on the whole.  There have been setbacks aplenty.  There have been times when I felt like I was being punched in the face repeatedly and there was no choice but to keep going.  But you know what?  I did keep going.  And I got better at it (mostly).  That feels really good.  I have no question now that I will be an excellent attorney.  I just need to find a good opportunity and continue forward.
But.  That's getting ahead of myself.  I have a long year ahead of me.  Including the moot court, I'm taking the equivalent of 16 credits this semester (beating my previous, near-insanity-inducing 15).  I have to really get on the networking/finding a job situation.***  And I still want to do well here.
So here we go.

*Note 1.  My law school requires every student to write a "long paper," i.e. over 8,500 words.  I wrote mine on transsexual prisoners.  It was really interesting and surprisingly fun to write.  It was also very depressing as transsexual prisoners are way more likely to suffer assault or sexual assaults at the hands of other prisoners or guards.  And there's not much happening to stop that.

**Note 2.  Rock!  Hopefully it will only be in a fake court of law that I will defend a corporation against "advocacy of genocide" charges.

***Note 3.  Especially since I was shut out of OCI again.  I really don't understand it at this point.  And it doesn't matter.  That part of law school is over.  Forward.