Competitive Friendships, or the Pettiness of Law Students

Me mid-finals period.  It ain't pretty, but I'm getting through this

Law students are a bitter, hard-bitten lot.  And none more so than 3Ls, with the great, wide world waiting to welcome them so soon, but the grip of the classroom still holding firm.  Even with the job market not being the best, we 3Ls are ready to leave what is now the mundane day-to-day of the law school semi-existence.  We have put in almost three years of hard studying and work at the expense of doing many things we enjoyed.  Even if we're not technically licensed to be lawyers, we're ready to get out there find jobs and start doing things--even if it's not exactly what we thought we would be doing when we came in.
I can't speak for everyone's reasons about being tired.  But for me, one of the biggest is that I'm tired of the forced competition.  I know at Mitchell, I have it pretty good.  There are not many cutthroats and we use the term "gunner" mostly to mean someone who talks in class a lot.  This is not the environment where someone steals your books, or takes all the necessary material out of the library, or any of the other horror stories that happen around other law schools.  But the way every law school is set up is that there is direct competition on an almost daily basis--which makes sense given the adversarial system we'll all be working in.  We're all competing for grades in classes, for class rank, for externships, for clerkships, and ultimately for jobs.  It's an odd situation, because I have gotten to know a lot of people here, and like a great many of them.  And yet, the competition always kind of there.
I have made it a policy not to discuss my grades with anyone.  I tell my wife, but other than that, I don't really talk about them.  It has been my attempt to minimize the interaction of the competition on my life and my relationships with people.  But, as you might expect, the fact that I have a policy does not mean that others feel the same way.  I think others don't see why grades are a big deal one way or the other.  It's ultimately all about getting a job, right?  Grades have some bearing on that, but they're not everything, so why is it a big deal to talk about them?  The answer to these questions are that we don't all feel that way about grades.  In fact, it's been my experience that some who claim grades aren't that big a deal are people who really want to know how you've done, for whatever reason.
I had an uncomfortable situation yesterday when two friends started discussing their grades, specifically in a class that we had all had together.  They mentioned that someone had won the CALI* in that class and how that person probably didn't deserve it.  Both my friends started talking about their grades in this class and then in others and their class rank.  All the things I don't like to talk about, so I just kept my mouth shut.
And another part of me worried about how my silence might be interpreted.  It would be easy to take my silence as embarrassment about my law school performance.  Or that I had done so well that I don't worry about grades.  Or that I was somehow above it all--which is certainly not true.  I worry about my grades a lot.  Too much.  And I would if they were higher or lower--it's just how I am.
I found the conversation uncomfortable not only because of the ugliness of the comments, but also because it was a reminder that I am competing with these people.  If I had won the award, these kind of comments could be aimed at me.  And given that I have become a talker in many classes, these kinds of things are probably being said about me.  It was a reminder that in law school, you're not really a member of a team.  I'm trying to do my best, and even when I'm studying with others, there's a tension because there are only so many A's and there's every incentive to learn what you can from the other person and not give up your great ideas.  I'm not sure if that's what was going on yesterday or not, but after that conversation, I can't say it's not a possibility.
I can't say that out in the real world this problem will go away--it won't.  We'll be competing for jobs, clients, awards, and verdicts.  It's a competitive business by its very nature.  But at least there you have a really good idea who's team you're on.  If they're on the other side of the -v-, then they are not on your side.  If they are on the same side of the -v-, there's a good chance they're at least working toward something you're working toward.  And if you're in a firm, yes there's competition there (promotion, office space, mentors, good assignments), but I have to believe (and have to end up somewhere where) everyone wants the firm to succeed.
If nothing else, once I'm out of law school, I will meet people who aren't law students and lawyers.  I will have time to spend with them and become friends with them.  And I will not have to compete with them.  But all this competitive pettiness has really missed my college friends.  I never questioned their motives.  I still don't.  We argued, but it was never a question of whether we respected each other or who had better grades, or other petty bullshit.  It was usually over whose turn it was to get the six pack.  And anytime any of you are up here, I'm saying right now I will get the next one.

*Note 1.  The Center for Computer Assisted Legal Instruction gives out an award to student who earns the highest grade in every course (unless the professor declines to participate).

Countdown to St. Paul...

I went to a law school open house earlier this year and something one of the current students said to the group of would-be students has stuck with me. She said, "If there's something you really want to do, do it before you get to law school, because you won't have time to do anything but read once you get here."
Fair enough. That's what I want out of law school, a challenge and good preparation. And while I'm fairly certain I've made my decision about where I go, I have no idea what to do with the time I have left before I get there. I mean, I am going to continue to work, of course, so it's not like I have hours of free time to fill or anything. But the rest of the time. I've spent a lot of time filling out applications, writing and editing essays, worrying, looking at viewbooks and thinking about the what the right place for me is. Now, I am almost done with that. And I have time to do something else.
So, now my question is what do I do?
I do have some goals going into law school. First, I want to drop a little more weight, so that when I inevitably start to feel stressy and eat my feelings, I'll have a little give before I need to feel bad about myself. Second, I'd like to do some writing--including the Gumshoe, which I will probably want to have in some form of stasis before law school. I'm thinking I may publish some of my short stories here, but we'll see if I really want to do that. Then, of course, there's the moving, subletting our apartment and that kind of stuff.
I think these are attainable goals. Nothing earth shattering, which I think is what worries me. I don't feel this particular need to get too prepared for law school. I want to read a couple books on the law and economics, but other than that, I'm not sure there's too much else I can do. Just keep counting down the time and try to keep myself busy.
***********
So, yeah, I've pretty much made my decision about which law school and I've started to get everything ready for them. I'll send in my deposit later this month and that will be that. As anxious as I am about how I will now fill my time, while waiting for school to start and for the move to happen, I am really excited.
It's hard to quantify it, because it still feels so far away that it might all fall apart somehow*. But, Dinah and I are planning on going to an admitted students weekend in March and I am really excited about that. I imagine we'll probably spend some of the time looking around the neighborhood we plan to be in and after that I will be able to visualize it a lot easier. So, let's count this down.

*The zombies could attack anytime.