Returning to work after a great weekend surrounded by friends and enjoying everyone's company is odd. Sure, there's the "mondy blues", or whatever, but I caught myself feeling real dread. I was quietly sitting next to Dinah and across from a lingering friend on her way out of Chicago. What could/should have been a pleasent ride, was, for me, a sad procession back to a place I don't want to be, and where I may not really be wanted.
It reminded me of this image I have of my mother, that I've never quite shaken since seeing it. I was at home for a break my Junior year of college and I was taking my mother to lunch. I remember picking her up, meeting some of her co-workers and eating an enjoyable lunch (at Coney Island on Ingersol maybe?). She was happy at lunch as we talked about my classes and my dating life (though, to no surprise, I wasn't seeing anyone at the time). As soon as I slowed in front of her office to let her out though, she bowed her head. She sighed a goodbye and schlubbed out of the car toward the building her head looking only at the ground where her next step was going to fall.
From the car, I said, "Mom, keep your head up."
She smiled back at me, and kept going.
Even now when I talk to her about her work, I think of her this way. And I feel bad. Mostly for her, because I don't think much has changed for her about having to work versus working. If that makes sense, which it may not.
The bigger point here is that I feel sort of the same way I imagine she does.
Now part of this is clearly because of my work situation, right now. And with time some of my angst will go away. But hopefully it won't go away. Hopefully I'll never be comfortable about work again until I seize control of it (and my future) from my own laziness and fear. (who hopes for discomfort?)
No comments:
Post a Comment