Law School Freak Out #1...or how I learned to stop worrying and start working toward what I want

In one of the open houses I attended at Mitchell, one of the presenters, a long time professor at the college told us to think about one moment that crystalized why we want to be a lawyer. He told us his was the dramatic turn and look at a witness on the stand. He was going to point his finger...but he didn't know what he would say. But that was his moment and he thought about it when things seemed like they were rough. And so, he gave us he advice to have a moment of our own to keep in mind through the strikes and gutters of our time at Mitchell.
Well, week three is drawing to a close. And it's starting to get a little rough. In fact, last Tuesday was rougher than I was expecting it to get this early. Tuesday is one of the big reading days on my reading schedule. I only have one class in the afternoon, so I get up early and bust out my reading for both my Wednesday classes and anything else I can get to. But it's a lot of work. A lot. Not that I didn't expect it to be hard. It's just different when you're in the middle of a long day of reading, following a long week of reading and you get something back that says you're not good enough.
Which isn't exactly what happened to me, but it's how it felt. One problem I'm having with law school is that, in school, I'm used to getting a lot of feedback. And usually it's positive feedback. Law school is not like that. From what I can tell, it's mostly reading and holding yourself accountable for knowing what you're reading. Sure, you have to present cases and be ready to be questioned on those cases. That's motivating. But when class is over, no one explains to you what everything is about. No one says that your comments were really smart or that you seem to have a handle on things. You just pack up your stuff and try to get ready for the next class.
So, Tuesday. After a long day of reading my Civil Procedure (which I had spent 5 hours on Saturday, but still wasn't getting) and going to my one class. I decided I would take a grammar test. It's a requirement of our legal writing component that we pass with 90% proficiency. We were instructed not to talk to anyone else or use anything to help us, so I didn't. But, I did not pass with 90% proficiency**. Argh. So I will have to take it again and perhaps go to writing lab*. It's not a big deal, right?
But at the end of the day, after spending most the day reading alone in a quiet, still, lonely library, and without having any confirmation that I'm getting it, I freaked out. Not big-time. I didn't head right for Pizza Hutt and start flagelating myself with breadsticks. But I freaked out. Dinah did a good job calming me down, which couldn't have been easy, but honestly, it was still with me when I was going through classes yesterday. I was listening to the Civ Pro professor at 9 am, the whole time telling myself, "you have to get this. You have to. If you don't understand motions to dismiss, then you'll never be a lawyer. You'll never do anything. You'll work yourself right back into the rut." That fucking rut. I don't know if I can explain how much I don't want to get back into unthinking, easy, unrewarding work. I can't. Not that being an attorney as all good times and happiness, but it's better for me.
By the end of my last class at 3:50, I was so tired. There was a meeting at 4 for a volunteer group here that I was thinking of going to, and after some internal debate, I decided I should probably go. And, you know doubt see where this is going. I am really glad I did. The meeting was for a volunteer group on campus that specializes in getting law students to volunteer at non-profit or government agencies that need some help.
And wow. This group seems really energized and happy. And it was a great meeting, the upshot being that on Saturdays I'm going to be able to volunteer for a couple hours at the self-help clinic here in St. Paul. There's a limit on how many 1L's they let do this, so I'm pretty happy I volunteered quickly.
I don't know. These first three weeks, I've spent so much time in the library. Which is good. I'm getting through stuff. I'm understanding stuff. The library is where I need to be. But, it will be really nice to see what I'm working towards, even if I don't have the picture in my head of exactly what I'm gonna be doing.


*Note 1. Goddamn you affect/effect. Goddamn you.
**Note 2. I am making it my policy not to talk about grades. I debated about whether to mention this at all, but I decided it's okay to say whether I passed something or not. But, I will not talk about my grades on the blog. I'm also planning on not talking about them generally. I heard a horror story about someont in the last couple years here who facebooked their grades and I just think that's not going to work out well for me. So. Yeah. I will allow myself to say things like "I passed" or "I didn't pass" or "I wanted to do better". I think it's just gonna be better this way.

The killing of the past and the coming back to life...

Things can change quickly. I learned that a year ago when I was let go from my job and suddenly had to worry about money in a way that I never had to before. I was only six months into my marriage and as I walked out of the Sears Tower (which it still was back then), I was panicked that this might be a critical blow. I mean, maybe it wouldn't end it, but it certainly couldn't be good for the marriage. And, it wasn't. But after the initial shock, I was lucky to find that my wife is ridiculously supportive of me. And being supportive of me is not always an easy job. I am sometimes unable to listen to the good things about myself and instead insist on tearing myself down. In short, my wife is a saint.

This last year has been tough on me. Being fired, especially to someone raised to believe your work is as important (if not more so) to who you are as your family and such, felt like a cosmic kick in the balls. I've always thought of myself as a star. Not in a, "I can do whatever I want" or "everyone envies me" sort of way, but in a "I always succeed" sort of way. Getting let go put a huge dent in that. It's not that I never knew adversity, but it always seemed easy to handle. Things that seemed huge at the time, like getting good grades in school or getting an apartment where I wanted, they never seemed to be all that hard. I always got at least decent grades in college and there seemed like there were so many apartments that if someone else took this one before I got my deposit in, there'd be another and hey it might work out better. Right after I was let go, I thought it would be easy. Well, not easy, but not so challenging. I thought It'd take a couple weeks or so, but I'd find another, better job. As you know if you've been following the blog, that didn't happen. It was a long year of not hearing from any jobs and being disappointed by the ones I did hear from.

I was lucky to have Dinah. But I was also lucky that I reacted to my initial outsourcing with enough forethought to enter the paralegal program. I don't think I can overstate how good that was for me. Over the course of the time there, I went from having virtually no confidence about myself and my skills to really believing that everything was gonna work out again. I started to see myself as a star again. I was encouraged by my professors and I did well. And I started to think I could, and should, look higher than just what seemed the next rung up on the ladder. So, I registered for the LSAT and started getting serious about going to law school. This had all been a slow change.

But things can change quickly. And they really did this weekend. Saturday morning I took the LSAT. It felt pretty good.* I'm not sure I knocked it out of the park, but I think I did pretty well, and I think it'll be a good score to take me to some very nice law schools. I've got to wait about three weeks to get my score and put it all in perspective for sure, but for now, just having that stress gone from my day-to-day life, I'm a lot happier.

And yesterday, I went in to interview with a small firm that specializes in real-estate here in Chicago. It was a great interview process. They asked tough questions, but for some reason, I was really prepared for them. I can't say I did anything different in preparing for this interview, but I just had a lot more confidence that my experience and skills matched up. And that even though I don't know much about real-estate law, I could learn and excel. And they agreed with me. So, I start tomorrow.

The interviewers were also great at pointing out that this job will be challenging and that it's deadline driven. I will have a lot to learn in a short period of time and there's a lot of stress associated with this job. So, it's not like I'm on easy street or anything. But I'm happy to have a challenge. I'm a little worried that things might not work out. The echoes of this year do still ring in my ears, but I am starting to get that feeling that everything will be okay. Because I was lucky to invest in myself this year. And because I absolutely got lucky to be married to the woman I am. And because even the tough problems turned out to be easier to handle than they could have been.

Though, I hope I'm at the end of employment drama. Handleable, yes. Enjoyable, no.

*Note 1. Except that whoever was supposed to proctor our test didn't show up and we had to wait an hour and a half for another proctor to show up. That I didn't like so much. I did like that I was not the oldest person there, but it was a little disconcerting when I saw a college age woman waiting for the test with her parents. I can't say for sure why it bothered me when her parents kissed her good-bye and handed her her clear plastic bag with her pencils and snack. But, it really did.

Well...there was that...

So. In a move that only half-surprised me, I was let go from my new job on Monday.
Yeah.
I was shocked at the time. I mean, I'd been working hard. Really hard. And I'd been learning the way they process everything. And I'd been willing to do anything they asked of me. I was opening the mail and not bitching about it. I was doing the processing part of my job even as they told me I'd be moving on to things more relevant to my hiring. I wasn't checking the internet except maybe twice a day (for a total of maybe 10 minutes--break time really). I was going all out. I really was.
But. There were signs. Like it took them three weeks to give me a key to the front door. So, I had to ring the bell if I went to the bathroom or out to lunch. They never set up my email (though it was supposed to be a big part of my job), and they never gave me an employee handbook--which I just studied in paralegal class and found out how important they can be. Of course, I studied at-will employment last Saturday too, so I knew they could fire me with little or no reason and everything would be perfectly legal.
So. That's what they did. They said I wasn't a fit and let me go. Simple as that.
And it's different this time. Last time, I felt responsible. And I hate failing when it's my fault. This though. This wasn't quite my fault. It's only my fault in that I should've asked better questions at the interview. I should've sussed out that they didn't really know what they were going to do with me. And I shouldn't have accepted the benefits package they offered me. That's on me, no doubt. But, that's really not the biggest part of the problem. And it makes a whole difference when you feel like you're let go for something you can't control.
And I don't want to go into the whole thing of it. I think the people I worked with were nice enough people, so, you know, whatever. I wish them luck, but I do know they'll have a tough time replacing my production for what I was desperate enough to agree to work for.
I'm just hopeful that the economy will pick up and people will start suing each other in a way that requires law firms to employ a high quality, energetic, smart paralegal. I'm finishing up my second semester now and I'm still doing really well. So, I'm closer to being seen as a paralegal, even if I could step into the job and do a good job now.
And if nothing else, I'm now open to doing an internship next semester. So. There's that. I guess what I'm saying is there's more reason for me to feel hopeful now. And Ido feel more hopeful.

Another Hodge-Podge of stuff....

You know, I didn't come into this past year thinking I needed to change everything. I just thought about some adjustments I wanted to make to my life. But looking back at where I was a year ago (which has always been something I've liked to do), I've really come a ways this year.
Firstly, I got married. I didn't think it would be such a big change. Dinah and I had been living together for almost 5 years before we got married, so it seemed that all the mysteries were figured out. The little ones are figured out, I think. But there's so much more to it than I thought. And there's something about telling someone in such a formal way that you're not going anywhere, ever, that makes things just enough different. Deeper. I don't know that I can explain it just 6 months in, but I'm liking this.
Also, I've started running somewhat consistently and I've cut 25 pounds off of my body. (I don't like to say lost it, because it makes me feel like I'll find it again someday. Which I might, but I don't need to imply it.) That's a pretty big change. I'm not at the target I set for myself yet, but I'm not far. And truthfully, I feel so much better about my body (though I'm still no pin-up model*) that I don't think I'd feel too bad staying here. So. We'll see.
And yes, I lost my job almost a month ago. Which is a set back. But I'm in school now. I'm gaining skills and accredidation. I'm on the road to something, even if I sometimes lose sight of it and wallow in the fact that I was fired and become bored spending my days doing work that's due in 2 weeks and reviewing my review of the original readings. Here's the truth about the whole being fired thing: I don't miss the job. I miss some of the people. I miss the money. I miss the feeling of accomplishment I sometimes got from my day. I miss being annoyed, because it was my way of making myself feel like I was doing something that was worth being annoyed over, when I really knew it wasn't. So, that's that. Not that they care, but I wish the former employers well. This was probably best for everyone, and I know they've moved on. And I'm in the process. So. Yeah. That's the chapter on that.
I just worry that future employers will look at that chapter and judge me harshly because of it. That's the only thing about how everything went down that bothers me. But all I can do now is fix it so they don't. Oh, and find a job that I like. And there are some out there, so that's good.
Anyhoo. Sorry for the lack of updating.

*They have male pin-up models right? Or do women stop pinning men up after they stop reading Tiger Beat?

Reviews

Job reviews always make me a little unhappy. I've never had a bad review per say. Usually there's a couple criticisms-most of which have been pretty solid and on the nose-but mostly they're pretty decent. I just go in, sit down, listen to them read off whatever they've written down and react to it a little and then go back to my desk and wonder why they even bothered. The thing about the reviews is that I could tell them everything they've written down, and I could tell them more. But they don't really want to know more. They just write the reviews because they have to.
I bring this up because the outsourcing agency gave me my review last Friday. (I don't know why they do end of the year reviews in June, but that's their way, I guess.) Everything averaged up to a "meets expectations" (which I think is like a B), which is good I guess. This half-year (which is all they were reviewing) hasn't been a "meets expectations" kind of year, in my opinion. I have really done an okay job. I'd say it's more C+ than anything.
Of course I'm probably harder on myself than they are. But that's the thing. My opinion doesn't matter. Reviews are really just a time for them to tell you what they want you to work on. Their criticisms are meant to give you something to strive for, sure, but really they're just meant to enforce on you that what they think of your performance is what counts. They have a point of course, because they're giving me a check* to do this stuff. But I think it's this that irks me about it.
Trying to simmer what I do into anecdotal evidence of my worth is really dumb. Sure, someone once saw me checking my email at work, but is that a reasonable reflection of how I spend my time? Actually, I am updating my blog right now...but, no. It's not. And yes, I lost my cool with a couple of people (who are idiots by the way. I wonder if at their reviews, it gets mentioned that they can't read past a third grade level. It maybe should be at least brought up). But what about the sheer volume of shit I handle? And the times I didn't lose my cool (when I clearly should have)?
I don't ask these questions because I actually care about the answers. I gave up on really caring about this job (you know to really try to make this place what I think it could be). I now just try to make sure I do enough work everyday so that I won't ever feel overwhelmed when they ask me to do more stupid shit.
But, yes. I can do it with a smile on my face, since that's what they want.
The truth is it's the not caring that upsets me. It's how I'm getting through this until I start classes and doors start opening. But it still bothers me.
*Note. I wanted to put cash, but they don't give me cash. I shouldn't have even put check, because I have the direct deposit. So, every other Friday is like an old spy movie where I'm checking my accounts (sadly, it's not Swiss) to see if everything's okay and disaster** has been averted for another fortnight.
**Note to note. Not that it would be a disaster for me to not work here. It would however, be a disaster for them if I stopped holding their system together through my amazing willpower and sheer tenacity.***
***Note to note to note. Maybe I shouldn't write my review. Too much sarcasm and truth. And they wouldn't know which was which.****
****Note to note to note to note. This one's merely gratuitous.
----
Sigh.

small thoughts for a small day...

• Well. The California Office of the law firm I work with has now also been outsourced. Which probably isn't a surprise, but what is notable is that they used a differenct outsourcing company than the one I've been "acquired" by. (The long story of my "acquiring" was covered here and here.) Apparently, my outsourcing company didn't even get a chance to bid, which has them worried a bit. And that has me worried a bit. It would probably take a little bit for everything to shake out and for me to have to leave (6 months at least according to my boss), but this is really no comfort to me. My plan was to stay here while I attend classes and then see what's out there. Now, I'm changing my plans.
• What really sucks about the possibility of being let go is that I was never really given the tools to succeed. Things don't work here, and for the longest time I blamed myself. But after the outsourcing company had their expert come through, she pointed out that none of it was my fault. My favorite thing she said? "It's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not particularly well thought-out." It's always nice to hear you're the voice of wisdom (filing wisdom!) in a sea of ignorance (about filing!). I'm like a filing sensei. With poor students. Oh, do I digress?
• But. Bright side of the day. I got in all the stuff I needed to for my paralegal program, and the head of the department emailed me back this morning (just seconds ago, thank you internet). She says things look good and she can't think of a reason I wouldn't be accepted. So. That's nice.
• Dinah's parents are in town for the weekend, which should be nice. I know we're going to the Art Institute for their special exhibition on Hopper and Homer. Which should be good. I was reading in Smithsonian Magazine (yeah, I subscribe to it, because I'm now old.) about Homer and it should be interesting to see his works now that I have an idea of who he was. And of course, I'll make sure I get a chance to look at the haystacks. I know it's cliche, but I love Monet.
• Cardinals/Cubs this weekend in St. Louis. I hope I get the chance to watch at least some of this, but we'll see.

Customer Service

Customer Service training is the most basic training you get when you're in the work place. At least it is in my cubicle-playground. Counting the one I got last Monday, that marks the sixth time I've gotten pointers on treating people (no matter how horrible they are) nicely. And none of the training was mandated because of "incidents" or "behavioral problems" despite what you may (understandably) expect. That's 6 times in 2 1/2 different work places. (2 1/2 because I don't really know if I should classify the outsourcing company as a new job, or a continuation. It makes my resume a little complex either way...)
The first time I got the training, I found it somewhat enlightening (be nice to people? Interesting...), if not terribly well-delivered. The second and third times I was okay with it, because it meant time away from my desk and there was some new ground covered (don't yell obscenities at coworkers? Okay...sure). Every time after that though, I just wanted to bludgeon myself with the free notepad (given so I could write down the many witticisms I was certain to come across) or suffocate myself with the free shopping bag (given because law firms have too much money and they'd rather not use it on bonuses) to save myself from the boredom and insufferable HR "personalities". (I've mentioned that HR people are horrible, haven't I? Because they are. Horrible, fake people who are secretly telling everyone you work with what how much you make and about that time you 'accidentally' clicked on that link. But I digress.) They're getting to be like morning talk show hosts. (Cooter and the Axe? Sounds right to me.) Though certainly castrated of any of the more off-color (and probably funny) bits. (All 6 of mine have been team taught. Is it so complicated for them to tell me I can't speak bluntly to people? It is for them.)
During the fifth visit to "corporate etiquette" or whatever they're calling it now, I developed a strategy to make everything interesting that doesn't involve imagining the grizzly (gruesome, horrific, fun) deaths of either of the "leaders". You try to insert what you're learning into real-world situations. The downside of this strategy, I admit, is that you actually have to listen and absorb some of what they're saying.
The key with the real-life situation you pick:
(1) Don't pick it before you get there. You never know how you're gonna feel. Sometimes you wanna pretend you're an astronaut who can't get back to earth. Sometimes you wanna pretend to be a deep sea diver who can't get pizza delivery in the Atlantic. You gotta keep it loose.
(2) Do pick something fun. The more outlandish or quirky, the more (of your soul) you actually take away from the seminar.
(3) Don't laugh out loud when you're thinking of how what they're saying applies to the situation you have in mind. This can be hard when you're a you're thinking you're a old-timey miner stuck in modern times. But after saying "consarnit", you have to act like that's just something you say all the time.
(4) Stay in character. It can be hard, but it is well worth it. If you're lucky enough to work with someone interesting and up for some fun, you should both plan to do a character (keeping in mind rule 1 not to choose before). Afterwards you can try to guess who your friend was.
(5) Don't get caught. Good luck.
So, on Monday, when the HR specialist (not that there's anything special to looking up people's medical records just to see if they've seen a psychiatrist) started out her opus with "Who is your customer?", I knew exactly who I was. I was a phone sex operator. (Prostitute would've been too appropriate, maybe.) So, my answer was, "Uh. The people who are paying for me to do this 'work'." (Note: People can't see quotation marks when you're talking, so speaking in generalities is an important plus.) And I was right! Everyone's right at these meetings. Only sometimes you're not right enough. The real answer she wanted was that "Everyone you come into contact with is your Customer!" (I don't know why they insisted on capitalizing the word on the powerpoint, but they did. Apparently grammar is not our customer.) It's a good thing chlamydia doesn't spread aurrally (ahem). And with all the pee-pee talk, I'd have to be giving out all the time, when would I eat? If I just want to eat a Big Mac, do I have to talk dirty to the counter person?
Even as I was trying to understand the scope of services I was now going to have to provide to everyone I saw just on my walk to work, the next slide asked the age-old question, "What is Customer Service?" (I love that they start basic.) Answering it's own musing, it said, "Consistently meeting or exceeding the customer's expectations." So. If I someone's just asking for fun talk about their baby-fetish, I should give them some tossed salad talk too?* Just to prove to them I'm good at what I do? Guess so.
And this is where I the fun started. They started running down their hook. This is where they give you the "easy-to-remember" guide to solving problems. They went with the "6 R's", which is fine. I mean, I expected more than 6 words that just have the same letter in common. I wanted some rhyming. Oooh, or an acronym. An acronym really makes people remember this kind of stuff. But, 6 r-words is good too, I guess.
I'm providing them here with how I see them working in my real world situation.

• Respect. Treat everyone like a guest. Welcome to hot talk with Joe. Do you need a pillow? Or some hand lotion?
• Realize what they want. They want me to be the Canadian scarecrow alone in a soybean field just as it starts to rain and it's making their straw all damp. And they want me to be the immigrant (possibly from Wyoming) who is so desperately hungry that I'm trying to take the innocent little soybeans. They always want that. Unless they want me to be the copy machine that won't print in color, while they're the office slacker who's printing up posters for their garage-band that won't ever make any records, but it brings them joy. If only they could get people to the shows. Oh why oh why does the copy machine tease them so?
• Reflect. Make sure you have all the information you need. I was just wondering, sir. Are you married? I only ask because I think it'll help me get into character a little more if I know what sort of dirtbag I'm dealing with. Sir?
• Respond. Show a sense of urgency. All right buddy, if we finish up in 5 more minutes we can all get back to McGuyver.
• Resourceful. Sell new services. I know you only wanted to talk about being an adult baby, but for only a dollar more a minute, I wil
• Resolve. Follow up to confirm satisfaction. That's good. I hope the sense of guilt you feel now doesn't ruin what was an otherwise lucrative time for me.

I don't know how they stretched such flimsy bullshit into 2 hours. But, that's what they do. I hope you found this informative and helpful. Good luck.

*Note. I want to know how many people clicked that link with confidence that I wasn't sending them to a porn site.

Oh Eumaeus, my swineheard...

The snow is taking its last retreat here. Finally. It's been a long dark winter in Chicago, filled with cold tempertures and frequented by snow storms. But, though still below average temperatures, and with thanks to day light savings, I'm seeing more sun and less ice. This is comforting.
Work has been shitty during this period. Punctuated with more projects and less competent people, but this too is supposed to get better soon. Apparently, they are bringing in a "filing expert" to come and take a look at our system and make recommendations. I'm trying not to be bitter that I was once told I would be this expert, but at least this should make things easier. Or so I like to believe.
Staying with work, it seems I've decided to go for the paralegal certificate. There's a lot of positives to it (more cash, more autonomy and thinking, more job opportunities should we decide to leave Chicago, and it opens up jobs outside of law firms a lot more than I originally thought) , and few negatives (billing hours can suck). I'm happy with the decision, but a little disappointed that I'll start in the fall (you know, once I actually apply). It's a year-long program, so, it looks like I may stay here for another year plus. At least with the outsourcing company, who may pony up some cash for me, in which case I could be with them for 2 years or so, total.
You know, when I'd given up the idea of being a ballplayer (though I still have dreams of making it as a low-level relief pitcher [I've got to be as good as Armando Benitez right now, right? Um. no.]), I never thought this is where my life would take me.
For the longest time I assumed my livelihood would be tied to my want for expression. The need to be out there saying something (no matter how softly I spoke). But, I'm 30 years old now. I'm getting married. And while I've published a wee bit in comics, it looks like both publishers I've "worked" with (is it work if they don't pay you? Sort of.) seem to have failed. Though they aren't willing to say they're done. (Here's the bio page with the publisher I would call the "crazy one". I liked how my bio turned out...) And you know, I've still got ideas. And I'm still going to put things down. And maybe I'll get published (hey, someone's still paying John Byrne), but it probably won't be how I thought of it originally.
Which is okay. It's kind of upsetting to me that I'll never (and I'm being honest here) get the acclaim of being a good writer, and the adoring groupies (platonic groupies, Dinah. Platonic groupies). (Little known fact, comics writers do have groupies. Sure, they're dressed as storm troopers, but sexy storm troopers). Really, that's probably what I wanted most. For people to look at something I wrote and say, "hey man, that's pretty good." I can't say if that's how Mark Twain started writing, but I would venture a guess no (though maybe I'm being a little naive about this).
Anyway. I think I only know one person who knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life and now is doing it. In a lot of ways I'm jealous of him and how his life turned out. He's got a nice house, a great wife, a gorgeous (if loud) baby, and the job he's always wanted. It's the American dream, right? It's exactly what we're all supposed to be lusting after, right? I mean, it's not the path I wanted to travel, but the results. Those are the things you're parents (well, mine) tell you (me) to go for. And truthfully, I do want them. Not that it keeps me up at night or rattles me constantly, but. It's there, and I think about it. And I blame myself for not getting there yet. Which probably isn't fair to myself.
I do think I've sort of floated through life up until recently. I haven't aggressively gone after what I want (or deserve, if I'm allowing myself to believe that). But. Maybe that's not my fault. Maybe it's just how I needed to do things. Maybe it's how I needed to figure out that I should be going after the things I want.
Which brings me to Joe Hicks again. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since I last wrote about him. I wonder what it was that told him it was time to call it a career and pursue something else. Age, most likely. Maybe family concerns. I don't know, and I doubt he'd appreciate me calling him up and asking. Though I like to think he'd invite me down to Kokomo where we'd have a beer and talk about life, baseball, and what-not. (It's too Field of Dreams to really happen, but as long as I don't try to talk to him, I can keep believing this is what would happen.) But, it's the romantic notion (and if he's anything to me, Joe Hicks is a romantic figure), to think he sees his kids playing ball and feels that twinge or remorse at not getting to face Dave Drabecki's fastball or Joaquin Andujar's crazy. But, who knows. Maybe he's happy because he does own the franchise homerun mark in Des Moines (shades of Bull Durham, sure). And he knows he did what he could to get there, and that looking back hurts your neck and your spirit. (Wait, I'm not surprising anyone by saying that I am probably the Joe Hicks I'm talking about am I? Oof. I took that too far.)
What I'm saying is, who knows what I've got coming in the future. I'm getting married (did I mention that's in 16 days? It is.) to an amazing woman. I'm getting a paralegal certificate. Everything else is hazy. I'm not really tied down to any one thing right now. Which, at 30, I thought I would be. That's encouraging, really. Sure, I want some things that will tie me down (house, kids, sexy storm trooper dominatrix), but still. But I'll get them. It's not like I have to have any of this done in the next 10 years. I kind of hope I have some of it done in the next 10 years, but what happens if I don't?
Nothing. I'll live.
Anyhoo. I've rambled a little bit off course, I know. I guess I'm just saying I'm happy the ice is receding, the sun is shining and that I'm getting married in 16 days. I'm not sure I accomplished much with this entry, but it was long. And I'm sure you gained even less by reading, but at least now you know my pen name.

The Truth about my Job....

Sure I bitch about it all the time...and that's largely because it sucks, but the truth about my job is I kind of like it. Kind of, mind you. I don't like it in a "wow, I'm fulfilled, because I put away a lot of paper today" kind of way. I like it in a "I'm really good at this bullshit" sort of way.
I think that statement actually sums it up pretty well. I know it's bullshit. I can do better (more interesting, more lucrative, perhaps) stuff, but it's bullshit I have complete mastery over. I'm the king of Shittown, if you will (and I hope you will). There's a certain satisfaction I gain from knowing exactly what I'm doing all the time.
The things that really bother me about the job are when my expertise of it is called into question. I can't quite explain why it is that I take pride in knowing so much about organizing legal materials for quick recall, but I kind of do. And truthfully, it's not a hard job, but there is enough nuance and thoughtfullness that has to be understood and invested that you can't really just pull someone off the street and expect them to do this shit. (Especially here, where the sytstem is "quirky" like Andy Dick.)
And an odd thing about my job is that everyone sees I'm smart. I don't really keep it hidden. (I read F. Scott Fitzgerald in the breakroom sometimes. I'm asking for it.) And because of this, they ask me to do more than someone else who would fill my position. Part of the bi-product is they're asking themselves to do less, and that bothers me, but also makes me feel special. I've been trained to look for approval at work. It feels good to have your boss ask you (see how I slip into second person when I'm trying to make it seem like it's not just my problem. It's charming, no?) to do more, because it's an acknowledgment that you (I) can do more.
But. This can't go on. And I've gotta go (or at least feel like I'm on the move). Soon.
It looks like any move I make through my outsourcing company is either downward or it's something I'm currently underqualified for. They claim they're all about training me, but I talked to someone today about a position and when I mentioned training, she seemed to be sort of shocked at the thought. So.
It looks like I'm on my own to figure out how my skills translate to somewhere better (probably not a lawfirm). That's kind of difficult. I'm sure they translate somehow and somwhere, but I don't know that I see it. And I don't know if I want to take a big pay cut (little would be okay, though) just to get out.
So.
It looks like I've got to open up other doors for myself. Which means I'm probably going to have to start taking classes. In something.
I've noodled with some ideas (plumber and paralegal being the two most probable; human canonball being the least likely, but still my favorite) about how to make a change. It's odd trying to imagine myself doing any of the jobs though. I have so much inertia here in the legal field (probably why paralegal certification will win out. But even if it does, that doesn't mean I have to work for firms). I'm such a creature of routine sometimes that it's hard for me to lift my head up and look around and see what other people do for money. And see if it's something I want to do.
Eh. I'll mull it over and start looking into things. Wheels are in motion.

Parental Cautionary Tale (No. 2)

Returning to work after a great weekend surrounded by friends and enjoying everyone's company is odd. Sure, there's the "mondy blues", or whatever, but I caught myself feeling real dread. I was quietly sitting next to Dinah and across from a lingering friend on her way out of Chicago. What could/should have been a pleasent ride, was, for me, a sad procession back to a place I don't want to be, and where I may not really be wanted.
It reminded me of this image I have of my mother, that I've never quite shaken since seeing it. I was at home for a break my Junior year of college and I was taking my mother to lunch. I remember picking her up, meeting some of her co-workers and eating an enjoyable lunch (at Coney Island on Ingersol maybe?). She was happy at lunch as we talked about my classes and my dating life (though, to no surprise, I wasn't seeing anyone at the time). As soon as I slowed in front of her office to let her out though, she bowed her head. She sighed a goodbye and schlubbed out of the car toward the building her head looking only at the ground where her next step was going to fall.
From the car, I said, "Mom, keep your head up."
She smiled back at me, and kept going.
Even now when I talk to her about her work, I think of her this way. And I feel bad. Mostly for her, because I don't think much has changed for her about having to work versus working. If that makes sense, which it may not.
The bigger point here is that I feel sort of the same way I imagine she does.
Now part of this is clearly because of my work situation, right now. And with time some of my angst will go away. But hopefully it won't go away. Hopefully I'll never be comfortable about work again until I seize control of it (and my future) from my own laziness and fear. (who hopes for discomfort?)

That's great, it starts with an earthquake...

At the holiday party last Thursday, a lawyer who I hadn't really talked to sat next to me. This was after dinner (at the Shanghai Terrace - very nice!) and drinks which it was clear he had partaken in. He wasn't handsy or anything, but he slurred a couple words and was overly apologetic in a way that someone who is a little too tipsy for their own comfort can be.
We were just talking and he asked where I was from, where I went to school, and what I wanted to do. I told him I went to Grinnell College, and he seemed impressed (it's a very good school and I didn't break any records for academic achievement, but I did pretty well). Then he asked why I was working as a file clerk. I told him I was hoping to get my "creative writing career" going and this was just paying the bills.
I specifically mentioned I wanted to write comics. he asked if I had noticed if our firm represented any comic book publishers. I had and we do. It's not either of the big two, but it's got a good reputation and puts out good books (kissing up? You betcha.)
He said he'd try to help me finagle a way to get my stuff in front of people, "because you need to start planning for your time after" the firm.
Wow. I was shocked and happy. Getting a break like this would be perfect. Exactly what I wanted/needed.
All I had to do was try to find out the attorney who handled the publisher and be ready to accept that he or she might not want to bother their client.
Fair enough.
. . .
Two work days later. Monday at about 3.20, I report to the conference room to talk to my boss and the uber-boss on speaker phone.
Apparently my job has been outsourced. That's the bad news.
The good news, is that they're working with an outsourcing company that may want to hire me and put me right where I am now.
I was floored. I'd just gotten my review a week before and I'd done well. Very well. I mean, it was apparent my boss had put little time or thought into it, but I got a good bonus and I was supposed to get a good raise, so everything was good, right?
I guess yes and no.
During the talk I got from my boss as well as the three people from the outsourcing agency (which seems really good, despite the first picture that outsourcing brings up) kept bringing up that this was a "business decision".
It's cliché of me to deride that what's a "business decision" for them is in fact very personal to me, but it is. Though, that doesn't change anything.
What really strikes me about this (aside from doing it a week before Christmas, which is bad form--business decision or not) is how much I'm not panicking. I'm worried. Definitely concerned. But I'm not yanking out my hair.
Maybe part of the lack of panic comes from still being part of their plans, though part of me does want to tell them to shove it.
But I think I just don't really feel that attached to this job. I like it okay, most the time. I do it well most days. But, I can do better. I should do better.
Another, probably more major part of it, is I'm really starting to see how fragile everything is. And not in that scary, it's gonna break if I fuck it up sort of way, but more, it can break if I don't build it up, sort of way.
I remember a conversation with my father after I was out of college, living in a shit-box apartment, getting over a terrible break-up (a good deal of the terribleness being my fault and causing no little amount of self-doubt and self-loathing). During the conversation, I told my father, "I just feel like I'm floating. Directionless." I don't remember what my father said exactly, but it was sort of a message of don't worry, you'll figure it out. It's okay to float for a while. Okay advice, but I never became fully un-floating. Facets of my life have taken direction, and I've pointed my way on a certain number of them. My career hasn't been one of them.
So, I'll probably end up right where I am now (barring anything unforeseen), getting around the same salary. Doing mostly the same work. Getting better benefits (which I found odd, but sure). This might be better in the short-term and possibly long-term if my writing isn't what I think it is. So, that's good.
But, hopefully I won't be as comfortable. Hopefully the cocoon is broken.
I don't know the lawyer's offer will get me anywhere, but it's a chance. And if I hustle I can get more chances. And that's what I need.

UPDATE: The office admin just sent around a memo that doesn't mention me, or the other employees effected by name. Just says, "our present employees". Shouldn't bother me. Does.

...Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right.

Office Survival (No. 1)

I started my current job about 10 months ago. One of the most important things about starting a new job is being nice to everyone for a while, so you can figure out who are going to be your work-friends (if any) and who it is you need to avoid. This is an undertaking for me, because I'm a shy person, who speaks quietly when I'm uncomfortable or don't know people.
So, the first time I said hello to one attorney I work with, and she didn't say anything back, I thought it was because I'd spoken too quietly and she hadn't heard me. This meant I'd have to do better next time. I'd have to smile and look at her more directly and I would have to speak with a little more confidence.
She's a busy person who does a lot of traveling, so my next opportunity to say 'howdy' came a couple weeks later. I saw her coming around the corner, I inhaled, smiled and unleashed a "Hi" that was chipper without being saccharine. You see, I've worked in offices for over 7 years now, and if there's one skill that should be valued over all else, it's the morning, "hi". It's crucial. You have to say it with some vigor, but without overselling it, so that whoever you're unleashing it on doesn't think it's cool to come to your cube and talk to you about how their personal life is. You have to be friendly without being available. The perfect office greeting says I acknowledge your existence, even if I want very little to do with it. And I don't want to toot my own horn, but what I had just performed was the perfect office "hi."
Her reaction? She looked at the ground and walked by me without a hi, a wave or anything. What happened was more of a shudder. It was like I was trying to talk to a high school cheerleader and she couldn't bear the social consequences of being seen near me. I figured she was having a bad day. Attorneys are always expressing their bad days in socially awkward or rude ways. It's part of the excitement of working around them so much.
Well, the next time I showed off my perfect command of office etiquette, her reaction was worse. She forcibly rolled her eyes, though at no time during the rotation did they come close to acknowledging me. And the look of anger she made. I think she would've stabbed me if she could think of doing it in a way that didn't acknowledge I was alive.
At first I was pretty pissed that she should think she's just too good to talk to the lowly File Clerk (or whatever my title really is...but that's a whole different thing). But. It's pretty amusing that anytime I say hi to her, she's going to play high school on me.
Imagine, having to cope with the office environment like that. I almost pity her and want to teach her how to survive. But as it is, she can just expect plenty of "hi"s coming her way.

Halloween Potluck!

It sounded innocuous enough, but when I saw the notice come across my work email address, I dreaded it. Forced social interaction with attorneys and secretaries and all of the personalities of the people I work with. Now, they're all nice people. Some are very funny and very nice.

But.

There's something weird about it for me. I (with so much help from Dinah) spent time Tuesday night making up pumpkin bread to bring as my contribution. The whole time I'm mixing it up, I'm thinking about what I'm going to say. Wondering whether I could be funny or if I should just try to get through it quietly. I was seriously anxious about it.

I used to be so confident. I think. (I could be misremembering it, trying to think there's this ideal me out there that I lost track of.) But, I don't think so. I think I used to really have a lot of confidence in the feeling of who I am. I was never a social butterfly (and I probably never will be), but I didn't get anxious about having to talk with people.

So. Where did I lose that confidence? And how do I get it back?

For the first question, I don't know, really. I have my ideas, but it probably wouldn't help to go into it now. As for getting it back, well. I guess I just gotta jump in and start doing some of these things that I am not sure I can. And not be too hard on myself when I fail.

God, that's one thing I've got to change. Because after the Potluck yesterday, I thought about the couple comments I made. How I could've timed them better. How I could've said something more here or there. Gauging the laughs and whether they were big, or whether they were just polite. And yeah, it's a potluck with co-workers whose opinion of me matters only a little bit. This level of scrutiny is not healthy for me. I gotta give myself room to fuck up.

On this and on the bigger things that I'm procrastinating on. (Like my writing).