The first time I got the training, I found it somewhat enlightening (be nice to people? Interesting...), if not terribly well-delivered. The second and third times I was okay with it, because it meant time away from my desk and there was some new ground covered (don't yell obscenities at coworkers? Okay...sure). Every time after that though, I just wanted to bludgeon myself with the free notepad (given so I could write down the many witticisms I was certain to come across) or suffocate myself with the free shopping bag (given because law firms have too much money and they'd rather not use it on bonuses) to save myself from the boredom and insufferable HR "personalities". (I've mentioned that HR people are horrible, haven't I? Because they are. Horrible, fake people who are secretly telling everyone you work with what how much you make and about that time you 'accidentally' clicked on that link. But I digress.) They're getting to be like morning talk show hosts. (Cooter and the Axe? Sounds right to me.) Though certainly castrated of any of the more off-color (and probably funny) bits. (All 6 of mine have been team taught. Is it so complicated for them to tell me I can't speak bluntly to people? It is for them.)
During the fifth visit to "corporate etiquette" or whatever they're calling it now, I developed a strategy to make everything interesting that doesn't involve imagining the grizzly (gruesome, horrific, fun) deaths of either of the "leaders". You try to insert what you're learning into real-world situations. The downside of this strategy, I admit, is that you actually have to listen and absorb some of what they're saying.
The key with the real-life situation you pick:
(1) Don't pick it before you get there. You never know how you're gonna feel. Sometimes you wanna pretend you're an astronaut who can't get back to earth. Sometimes you wanna pretend to be a deep sea diver who can't get pizza delivery in the Atlantic. You gotta keep it loose.
(2) Do pick something fun. The more outlandish or quirky, the more (of your soul) you actually take away from the seminar.
(3) Don't laugh out loud when you're thinking of how what they're saying applies to the situation you have in mind. This can be hard when you're a you're thinking you're a old-timey miner stuck in modern times. But after saying "consarnit", you have to act like that's just something you say all the time.
(4) Stay in character. It can be hard, but it is well worth it. If you're lucky enough to work with someone interesting and up for some fun, you should both plan to do a character (keeping in mind rule 1 not to choose before). Afterwards you can try to guess who your friend was.
(5) Don't get caught. Good luck.
So, on Monday, when the HR specialist (not that there's anything special to looking up people's medical records just to see if they've seen a psychiatrist) started out her opus with "Who is your customer?", I knew exactly who I was. I was a phone sex operator. (Prostitute would've been too appropriate, maybe.) So, my answer was, "Uh. The people who are paying for me to do this 'work'." (Note: People can't see quotation marks when you're talking, so speaking in generalities is an important plus.) And I was right! Everyone's right at these meetings. Only sometimes you're not right enough. The real answer she wanted was that "Everyone you come into contact with is your Customer!" (I don't know why they insisted on capitalizing the word on the powerpoint, but they did. Apparently grammar is not our customer.) It's a good thing chlamydia doesn't spread aurrally (ahem). And with all the pee-pee talk, I'd have to be giving out all the time, when would I eat? If I just want to eat a Big Mac, do I have to talk dirty to the counter person?
Even as I was trying to understand the scope of services I was now going to have to provide to everyone I saw just on my walk to work, the next slide asked the age-old question, "What is Customer Service?" (I love that they start basic.) Answering it's own musing, it said, "Consistently meeting or exceeding the customer's expectations." So. If I someone's just asking for fun talk about their baby-fetish, I should give them some tossed salad talk too?* Just to prove to them I'm good at what I do? Guess so.
And this is where I the fun started. They started running down their hook. This is where they give you the "easy-to-remember" guide to solving problems. They went with the "6 R's", which is fine. I mean, I expected more than 6 words that just have the same letter in common. I wanted some rhyming. Oooh, or an acronym. An acronym really makes people remember this kind of stuff. But, 6 r-words is good too, I guess.
I'm providing them here with how I see them working in my real world situation.
- Respect. Treat everyone like a guest. Welcome to hot talk with Joe. Do you need a pillow? Or some hand lotion?
- Realize what they want. They want me to be the Canadian scarecrow alone in a soybean field just as it starts to rain and it's making their straw all damp. And they want me to be the immigrant (possibly from Wyoming) who is so desperately hungry that I'm trying to take the innocent little soybeans. They always want that. Unless they want me to be the copy machine that won't print in color, while they're the office slacker who's printing up posters for their garage-band that won't ever make any records, but it brings them joy. If only they could get people to the shows. Oh why oh why does the copy machine tease them so?
- Reflect. Make sure you have all the information you need. I was just wondering, sir. Are you married? I only ask because I think it'll help me get into character a little more if I know what sort of dirtbag I'm dealing with. Sir?
- Respond. Show a sense of urgency. All right buddy, if we finish up in 5 more minutes we can all get back to McGuyver.
- Resourceful. Sell new services. I know you only wanted to talk about being an adult baby, but for only a dollar more a minute, I wil
- Resolve. Follow up to confirm satisfaction. That's good. I hope the sense of guilt you feel now doesn't ruin what was an otherwise lucrative time for me.
I don't know how they stretched such flimsy bullshit into 2 hours. But, that's what they do. I hope you found this informative and helpful. Good luck.
*Note. I want to know how many people clicked that link with confidence that I wasn't sending them to a porn site.
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