Less Stressing Update...

As you may remember, I wrote a post about a month ago outlining three things I wanted to start changing for myself. I figured an update would probably be good for me, so I can have some record and accountability of everything.
The first thing I was working on was my weight. I wanted to lose 26 pounds. Well. I'm not really making progress there. Or none to speak of. I have been pretty good at excercising, but portion control has (as it always is) been hard for me. I'm down 2 pounds, which is good, but not where I was hoping. And some of this may be mitigated by some muscle I may have put on. I've been doing some weight and strength excercising. Maybe. I can't say for sure I've seen a lot of change in the way my body looks, but then again, I pretty much just stare right at my stomach.
The second thing was the stressing about work and other little things (like how much CTA sucks) that bother me and have a tendency to really bother me. Here, I've made some progress. I've been a lot better about being patient with everyone at work. Not perfect, but at least I've stopped letting people know when they're bothering me. Which is good for a lot of reasons. I've also really stopped worrying so much about a lot of little things (did I mention CTA is really horrible? But it's okay, they're gonna suck whether I am mad or not.), which is good.
But every now and again, I just lose all motivation and start to feel the resentment of my work situation. It still eats at me. So, I can say I've made cosmetic progress (which is good), but I can't say that I've made real progress. This is because I can't really be sure whether I should care about my work (which I was raised to do) or not give a shit (which seems to be what my employers want, I guess). Ideally, I'd like to care about my work. Do something with my time that means something. I think about my friends who are doing such amazing things, and I'm putting shit away. It bothers me. It's probably a lot of ego. But still, that's what I want. And with paralegal classes starting in a couple months, maybe I'll be on my way to having that. Hopefully.
But. Whether the classes get me feeling like I've got some movement (lack of paralysis) in my live or not, I'm kind of stuck here. The job market around here is crappy. (To put it nicely.) That and a couple other factors look like they'll keep me here till my program finishes up in August 2009. And when I think of it as 13 months, it feels like a prison sentence (which I admit is overly dramatic and self-indulgent). So, yeah. This is a work in progress.
The father sitauation. I've done nothing about this. I can't think of the best way to do this. I have to think about what it is I want from him. And how to best negotiate everything that has happened as well as things to come. And really, I have to figure out how to deal with his lady-friend.

Reviews

Job reviews always make me a little unhappy. I've never had a bad review per say. Usually there's a couple criticisms-most of which have been pretty solid and on the nose-but mostly they're pretty decent. I just go in, sit down, listen to them read off whatever they've written down and react to it a little and then go back to my desk and wonder why they even bothered. The thing about the reviews is that I could tell them everything they've written down, and I could tell them more. But they don't really want to know more. They just write the reviews because they have to.
I bring this up because the outsourcing agency gave me my review last Friday. (I don't know why they do end of the year reviews in June, but that's their way, I guess.) Everything averaged up to a "meets expectations" (which I think is like a B), which is good I guess. This half-year (which is all they were reviewing) hasn't been a "meets expectations" kind of year, in my opinion. I have really done an okay job. I'd say it's more C+ than anything.
Of course I'm probably harder on myself than they are. But that's the thing. My opinion doesn't matter. Reviews are really just a time for them to tell you what they want you to work on. Their criticisms are meant to give you something to strive for, sure, but really they're just meant to enforce on you that what they think of your performance is what counts. They have a point of course, because they're giving me a check* to do this stuff. But I think it's this that irks me about it.
Trying to simmer what I do into anecdotal evidence of my worth is really dumb. Sure, someone once saw me checking my email at work, but is that a reasonable reflection of how I spend my time? Actually, I am updating my blog right now...but, no. It's not. And yes, I lost my cool with a couple of people (who are idiots by the way. I wonder if at their reviews, it gets mentioned that they can't read past a third grade level. It maybe should be at least brought up). But what about the sheer volume of shit I handle? And the times I didn't lose my cool (when I clearly should have)?
I don't ask these questions because I actually care about the answers. I gave up on really caring about this job (you know to really try to make this place what I think it could be). I now just try to make sure I do enough work everyday so that I won't ever feel overwhelmed when they ask me to do more stupid shit.
But, yes. I can do it with a smile on my face, since that's what they want.
The truth is it's the not caring that upsets me. It's how I'm getting through this until I start classes and doors start opening. But it still bothers me.
*Note. I wanted to put cash, but they don't give me cash. I shouldn't have even put check, because I have the direct deposit. So, every other Friday is like an old spy movie where I'm checking my accounts (sadly, it's not Swiss) to see if everything's okay and disaster** has been averted for another fortnight.
**Note to note. Not that it would be a disaster for me to not work here. It would however, be a disaster for them if I stopped holding their system together through my amazing willpower and sheer tenacity.***
***Note to note to note. Maybe I shouldn't write my review. Too much sarcasm and truth. And they wouldn't know which was which.****
****Note to note to note to note. This one's merely gratuitous.
----
Sigh.

Less stressing....(Kind of)

Sorry for the no-post last week.
I'm trying to do some bigger changes in my habits. Nothing huge, mind you, but some things I feel I need to get a handle on before I have kids (which won't be for two years probably, mom. Sorry).
The first of these things is my weight. Since the wedding, I've (somewhat surprisingly) maintained my weight. My running has become a lot less enthusiastic as I sort of expected. So, I talked to my wife about it and we've set goals for ourselves and our health. I'm planning on cutting another 26 or so pounds off my gut, hopefully by Thanksgiving. That'll still put my a bit above my "recommended weight" which makes me feel woefully obeese, but I guess I'll have to get the 26 off either way. So, I'll get it off and see how it looks.
The thing is, I'm probably never going to be a poster boy for fitness or health. I enjoy eating and drinking too much to really ever be as fit as is apparently recommended. But. I need to get better.
The second thing I'm trying to get a better grasp of is my temper. As most of you probably know, I have a bad temper. I let things get to me and after a while of taking stuff in, I vent in somewhat unhealthy ways. I don't want to get into it too much (mostly because I find it embarassing that a thirty-year-old man gets so bent out of shape by stuff he considers stupid and inane), but it's something I've needed to get a handle on for a long time.* So, I'm working on this.
*Note. In 5th grade, the teacher pulled me aside and talked to me about my temper. He said that if I didn't watch it the upperclassmen at McCombs (where I was a Trojan) would "beat me into the ground." I think he told me this after I got into a fight with another 5th grader (I wanna say Troy Donahoe, but I'm not sure. ), while playing soccer**. Truthfully, he was right, it was something I need(ed) to work on, but if it was Troy (and I'm starting to feel sure it was), then he probably he had it coming. He was kind of a dick.
**Note to Note. We didn't play soccer. We played a game of tackle the guy with the soccer ball while the teachers don't pay attention. Oh, sure there were still goals and score was kept, but it wasn't soccer. It was still competitive though. And the teams were for all year. I was on Ryan's (can't remember his last name. He moved away before I got to middle school) team in third grade. And everyday we took on Danny Soda's team. (Which is the greatest name in the history of names.) I remember one day I scored the winning goal and Danny Soda knocked me down and picked me up by the legs and swung me around in a circle a couple times before tossing me a couple feet. I was a heavy kid, too. Anyhoo.
Mostly my temper is a problem at work, where I feel unappreciated and taken for granted (you know, like most everyone). So, I'm working on it. I was doing great last week until Friday. The long weekend before certainly helped put me in a better frame of mind, but even that couldn't get me through a whole (short) week.
I'm trying the deep breathes. I'm trying perspective. I'm even trying giving people the finger under my desk (which sort of works, but makes me almost giggle everytime, so I think people think I'm losing my mind. Which is maybe okay. I'm not sure yet). But thus far, I haven't found a truly dependable way to get through the stress without getting myself all worked up. I think just trying is making it easier and easier though, so hopefully I'll get the hang of it.
The last of the things that I feel like I need out of the way before my children come into this world, (and probably the hardest to figure out and deal with in a way that I will find satisfying-because, you know, it depends on someone else a great deal) is my father.
I've been listening to the Writer's Almanac Podcast everyday for a while now. Seems like a tangent, but the Writer's Almanac, as Garrison Keeler points out at the end of every podcast is sponsored by the Fetzer Institute who is now on a Campaign of Love and Forgiveness. Now, I haven't poked around enough to figure out how I'm going to work things out, or even what sort of time table I want to work on, but I have looked enough to know I no longer want to carry around the anger I have for him. It's odd. I didn't miss him for one second of the wedding, even though I thought I would. But, almost every other day, I think about him. And I wish he hadn't made the decisions he made. And I wish that at least he should have been honest with me. And if I let it, I can feel it all wash over me again and I can hate him anew. And I want to yell and scream and probably punch him in the stomach. (See, that temper thing I'm working on still needs work.) But I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to be that guy. And I certainly don't want my kids to see that example and think that's the best way to deal with people. (You know, like I learned by watching my Dad. But, I digress.) Yeah.
So, yeah. A lot of changes I'm going to try and make. It's good. Change is good. At least these changes.
Anyway, I hope all is going well for everyone else.

small thoughts for a small day...

• Well. The California Office of the law firm I work with has now also been outsourced. Which probably isn't a surprise, but what is notable is that they used a differenct outsourcing company than the one I've been "acquired" by. (The long story of my "acquiring" was covered here and here.) Apparently, my outsourcing company didn't even get a chance to bid, which has them worried a bit. And that has me worried a bit. It would probably take a little bit for everything to shake out and for me to have to leave (6 months at least according to my boss), but this is really no comfort to me. My plan was to stay here while I attend classes and then see what's out there. Now, I'm changing my plans.
• What really sucks about the possibility of being let go is that I was never really given the tools to succeed. Things don't work here, and for the longest time I blamed myself. But after the outsourcing company had their expert come through, she pointed out that none of it was my fault. My favorite thing she said? "It's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not particularly well thought-out." It's always nice to hear you're the voice of wisdom (filing wisdom!) in a sea of ignorance (about filing!). I'm like a filing sensei. With poor students. Oh, do I digress?
• But. Bright side of the day. I got in all the stuff I needed to for my paralegal program, and the head of the department emailed me back this morning (just seconds ago, thank you internet). She says things look good and she can't think of a reason I wouldn't be accepted. So. That's nice.
• Dinah's parents are in town for the weekend, which should be nice. I know we're going to the Art Institute for their special exhibition on Hopper and Homer. Which should be good. I was reading in Smithsonian Magazine (yeah, I subscribe to it, because I'm now old.) about Homer and it should be interesting to see his works now that I have an idea of who he was. And of course, I'll make sure I get a chance to look at the haystacks. I know it's cliche, but I love Monet.
• Cardinals/Cubs this weekend in St. Louis. I hope I get the chance to watch at least some of this, but we'll see.

Customer Service

Customer Service training is the most basic training you get when you're in the work place. At least it is in my cubicle-playground. Counting the one I got last Monday, that marks the sixth time I've gotten pointers on treating people (no matter how horrible they are) nicely. And none of the training was mandated because of "incidents" or "behavioral problems" despite what you may (understandably) expect. That's 6 times in 2 1/2 different work places. (2 1/2 because I don't really know if I should classify the outsourcing company as a new job, or a continuation. It makes my resume a little complex either way...)
The first time I got the training, I found it somewhat enlightening (be nice to people? Interesting...), if not terribly well-delivered. The second and third times I was okay with it, because it meant time away from my desk and there was some new ground covered (don't yell obscenities at coworkers? Okay...sure). Every time after that though, I just wanted to bludgeon myself with the free notepad (given so I could write down the many witticisms I was certain to come across) or suffocate myself with the free shopping bag (given because law firms have too much money and they'd rather not use it on bonuses) to save myself from the boredom and insufferable HR "personalities". (I've mentioned that HR people are horrible, haven't I? Because they are. Horrible, fake people who are secretly telling everyone you work with what how much you make and about that time you 'accidentally' clicked on that link. But I digress.) They're getting to be like morning talk show hosts. (Cooter and the Axe? Sounds right to me.) Though certainly castrated of any of the more off-color (and probably funny) bits. (All 6 of mine have been team taught. Is it so complicated for them to tell me I can't speak bluntly to people? It is for them.)
During the fifth visit to "corporate etiquette" or whatever they're calling it now, I developed a strategy to make everything interesting that doesn't involve imagining the grizzly (gruesome, horrific, fun) deaths of either of the "leaders". You try to insert what you're learning into real-world situations. The downside of this strategy, I admit, is that you actually have to listen and absorb some of what they're saying.
The key with the real-life situation you pick:
(1) Don't pick it before you get there. You never know how you're gonna feel. Sometimes you wanna pretend you're an astronaut who can't get back to earth. Sometimes you wanna pretend to be a deep sea diver who can't get pizza delivery in the Atlantic. You gotta keep it loose.
(2) Do pick something fun. The more outlandish or quirky, the more (of your soul) you actually take away from the seminar.
(3) Don't laugh out loud when you're thinking of how what they're saying applies to the situation you have in mind. This can be hard when you're a you're thinking you're a old-timey miner stuck in modern times. But after saying "consarnit", you have to act like that's just something you say all the time.
(4) Stay in character. It can be hard, but it is well worth it. If you're lucky enough to work with someone interesting and up for some fun, you should both plan to do a character (keeping in mind rule 1 not to choose before). Afterwards you can try to guess who your friend was.
(5) Don't get caught. Good luck.
So, on Monday, when the HR specialist (not that there's anything special to looking up people's medical records just to see if they've seen a psychiatrist) started out her opus with "Who is your customer?", I knew exactly who I was. I was a phone sex operator. (Prostitute would've been too appropriate, maybe.) So, my answer was, "Uh. The people who are paying for me to do this 'work'." (Note: People can't see quotation marks when you're talking, so speaking in generalities is an important plus.) And I was right! Everyone's right at these meetings. Only sometimes you're not right enough. The real answer she wanted was that "Everyone you come into contact with is your Customer!" (I don't know why they insisted on capitalizing the word on the powerpoint, but they did. Apparently grammar is not our customer.) It's a good thing chlamydia doesn't spread aurrally (ahem). And with all the pee-pee talk, I'd have to be giving out all the time, when would I eat? If I just want to eat a Big Mac, do I have to talk dirty to the counter person?
Even as I was trying to understand the scope of services I was now going to have to provide to everyone I saw just on my walk to work, the next slide asked the age-old question, "What is Customer Service?" (I love that they start basic.) Answering it's own musing, it said, "Consistently meeting or exceeding the customer's expectations." So. If I someone's just asking for fun talk about their baby-fetish, I should give them some tossed salad talk too?* Just to prove to them I'm good at what I do? Guess so.
And this is where I the fun started. They started running down their hook. This is where they give you the "easy-to-remember" guide to solving problems. They went with the "6 R's", which is fine. I mean, I expected more than 6 words that just have the same letter in common. I wanted some rhyming. Oooh, or an acronym. An acronym really makes people remember this kind of stuff. But, 6 r-words is good too, I guess.
I'm providing them here with how I see them working in my real world situation.

• Respect. Treat everyone like a guest. Welcome to hot talk with Joe. Do you need a pillow? Or some hand lotion?
• Realize what they want. They want me to be the Canadian scarecrow alone in a soybean field just as it starts to rain and it's making their straw all damp. And they want me to be the immigrant (possibly from Wyoming) who is so desperately hungry that I'm trying to take the innocent little soybeans. They always want that. Unless they want me to be the copy machine that won't print in color, while they're the office slacker who's printing up posters for their garage-band that won't ever make any records, but it brings them joy. If only they could get people to the shows. Oh why oh why does the copy machine tease them so?
• Reflect. Make sure you have all the information you need. I was just wondering, sir. Are you married? I only ask because I think it'll help me get into character a little more if I know what sort of dirtbag I'm dealing with. Sir?
• Respond. Show a sense of urgency. All right buddy, if we finish up in 5 more minutes we can all get back to McGuyver.
• Resourceful. Sell new services. I know you only wanted to talk about being an adult baby, but for only a dollar more a minute, I wil
• Resolve. Follow up to confirm satisfaction. That's good. I hope the sense of guilt you feel now doesn't ruin what was an otherwise lucrative time for me.

I don't know how they stretched such flimsy bullshit into 2 hours. But, that's what they do. I hope you found this informative and helpful. Good luck.

*Note. I want to know how many people clicked that link with confidence that I wasn't sending them to a porn site.

Office Survival No. 2 (being truthful)

It's hard, in an office setting, to tell someone they are an idiot. Mostly, this is because of strenuous rules imposed by Human Resources and the like. (I'm quite convinced people who work in HR-as they like to call it-are the lowest forms of life. Not all of them, mind you, but a good 98%. I mean, these are the people charged with keeping you safe from the jungle-rules of the office, and yet they're the ones telling everyone how much you make, or how you were fired from your last 3 jobs because of your drug problem. And they know what websites you look at. And knowing how often I look up Rick Ankiel images on google is power.) So, today I thought I'd offer some helpful tips on how to tell someone they are an idiot (or deal with their idiocy) and not have to go through another seminar on workplace behavior.
1. Call their actions or ideas idiotic. This one is skirting things, and usually still pisses people off, but if you say, "Well, Tim, that's probably the dumbest idea I've heard," you're not calling Tim dumb. This keeps it from being personal. Tim will not like you and may try to get you for this later, but he's a fucking moron, so you should be okay.
1A. The conditional. Much like the last suggestion. You don't say, "You are an idiot." You say, well, "Mary, if you think that, you are a blundering idiot." See, this leaves it up to Mary to take responsibility for being an idiot. It gives her the choice to know a better way. It's really the most charitable of the options I can think of.
2. Say it behind their backs. A lot of places you look, you'll see how gossiping about co-workers is bad form. And, yeah, it's not nice, but seriously, the people you work with are mostly mind-numbed, bobble-headed, dolts. If you find one person (or if you're universally lucky more) who can listen and relate, you have to take that opportunity to vent. The key here is to start small. A couple catty things here to weather balloon the situation. But once you've found that she or he isn't adverse to trash talk, let it out man.
3. Voodoo Light. Now, some aren't comfortable telling someone that the way their mind works is less than acceptable. And others aren't blessed with another competent person to vent to. An option in this situation is voodoo. For those of you who don't necessarily want to make the voodoo doll (though I do recommend stealing a lock of their hair for leaving at a crime scene if they really suck), you can just pick one thing that represents them. And yell at it. This should not be your wife or husband. Think inanimate object. This object can be at home, but it's a lot more effective if you're calling the lamp in your office Donna and wondering why it's such a lazy fuck.
4. Voodoo. For this you have to get a lock of their hair and form a doll that looks like your office co-worker(s). (Save some of the hair for the crime scene. Seriously.) Most people will then stab the dolls with long pins that are supposed to cause pain in the person the doll represents. I do recommend this for the catharsis, but I don't know if that works really. It is sometimes enough to have the dolls just sitting on a shelf behind you, so anyone who comes in can see them.
5. General Passive Aggression. If there's one thing I've learned while working with attorneys and their secretaries and administrative lapdogs, it's that passive aggression is your friend. It's often not as rewarding as other options, but there's a certain sense of pride that comes from pretending to give a shit, but wasting time updating your blog or putting their projects towards the back of the line.
6. Just tell them. Seriously, you put up with enough of their shit. Just tell them straight out. Call it the Johnny Paycheck option. "Mr. James, you are an idiot." Be sure to be polite and call them Mr. or Ms. because in this situation being polite is really important, because people's feelings can be hurt so easily. Especially if they don't realize they are an idiot (and sadly, they hardly ever do).
7. Hold on to your sense of self-supremacy. That's the most important thing you can do. Look I'm not saying you're better than your co-workers, but...

The Truth about my Job....

Sure I bitch about it all the time...and that's largely because it sucks, but the truth about my job is I kind of like it. Kind of, mind you. I don't like it in a "wow, I'm fulfilled, because I put away a lot of paper today" kind of way. I like it in a "I'm really good at this bullshit" sort of way.
I think that statement actually sums it up pretty well. I know it's bullshit. I can do better (more interesting, more lucrative, perhaps) stuff, but it's bullshit I have complete mastery over. I'm the king of Shittown, if you will (and I hope you will). There's a certain satisfaction I gain from knowing exactly what I'm doing all the time.
The things that really bother me about the job are when my expertise of it is called into question. I can't quite explain why it is that I take pride in knowing so much about organizing legal materials for quick recall, but I kind of do. And truthfully, it's not a hard job, but there is enough nuance and thoughtfullness that has to be understood and invested that you can't really just pull someone off the street and expect them to do this shit. (Especially here, where the sytstem is "quirky" like Andy Dick.)
And an odd thing about my job is that everyone sees I'm smart. I don't really keep it hidden. (I read F. Scott Fitzgerald in the breakroom sometimes. I'm asking for it.) And because of this, they ask me to do more than someone else who would fill my position. Part of the bi-product is they're asking themselves to do less, and that bothers me, but also makes me feel special. I've been trained to look for approval at work. It feels good to have your boss ask you (see how I slip into second person when I'm trying to make it seem like it's not just my problem. It's charming, no?) to do more, because it's an acknowledgment that you (I) can do more.
But. This can't go on. And I've gotta go (or at least feel like I'm on the move). Soon.
It looks like any move I make through my outsourcing company is either downward or it's something I'm currently underqualified for. They claim they're all about training me, but I talked to someone today about a position and when I mentioned training, she seemed to be sort of shocked at the thought. So.
It looks like I'm on my own to figure out how my skills translate to somewhere better (probably not a lawfirm). That's kind of difficult. I'm sure they translate somehow and somwhere, but I don't know that I see it. And I don't know if I want to take a big pay cut (little would be okay, though) just to get out.
So.
It looks like I've got to open up other doors for myself. Which means I'm probably going to have to start taking classes. In something.
I've noodled with some ideas (plumber and paralegal being the two most probable; human canonball being the least likely, but still my favorite) about how to make a change. It's odd trying to imagine myself doing any of the jobs though. I have so much inertia here in the legal field (probably why paralegal certification will win out. But even if it does, that doesn't mean I have to work for firms). I'm such a creature of routine sometimes that it's hard for me to lift my head up and look around and see what other people do for money. And see if it's something I want to do.
Eh. I'll mull it over and start looking into things. Wheels are in motion.

So. Much ado and I end up more or less where I started.

As I sort of expected, I'll be signing on with the outsourcing company on Monday. There's been a little haggling over money (which I won) and vacation time (which I'm gonna win, but still come out behind on), but it's getting done.

The bad news? I'll still be at this firm, dealing with the same people who wouldn't let me change the things that clearly needed changing. And I hate most of these people.

The good news? New boss. She seems nice, though maybe a little too list-oriented for me. She'll be a buffer for me and the people I hate. She won't be on-sight, but she'll be sort of an advocate. And she'll apparently be given the benefit of expert status that I was told I would have a year ago, but was ultimately denied. And if they deny it to her? Well, that's not my problem. And frankly, I don't care.

Another good thing about the new boss? She's already telling them I need more space. Sure, I have been saying it for almost a year, but she might get results. We shall see.

Anyway. The biggest thing that needs to come out of this is a new urgency on my part. To get my writing (started a new horror story, though it's still little more than a paragraph and a sketch and I've been writing down new ideas for a couple comic book ideas), and my career going. The careeer is gonna be harder, I think. The outsourcing agency offers a lot of different training courses, and I plan on scoping that out and seeing if I can take advantage of that. Other than that, I need to start really thinking about where I want to go and what I want to do. And see how my skills transfer. For so long I've viewed my job as a shitty job that got me along that now I can't see what skills I've picked up and how to apply them to a job that might bring me more satisfaction (and possibly more scratch [sure I could've said money, but hey...]).

So. For now, I'm calmer and happier than I've been in a couple weeks. And hopefully I can focus on the job stuff enough so that after the wedding I can start making whatever changes I can, because it's gonna be a little too crazy trying to tie down stupid details and doing job stuff.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake...

At the holiday party last Thursday, a lawyer who I hadn't really talked to sat next to me. This was after dinner (at the Shanghai Terrace - very nice!) and drinks which it was clear he had partaken in. He wasn't handsy or anything, but he slurred a couple words and was overly apologetic in a way that someone who is a little too tipsy for their own comfort can be.
We were just talking and he asked where I was from, where I went to school, and what I wanted to do. I told him I went to Grinnell College, and he seemed impressed (it's a very good school and I didn't break any records for academic achievement, but I did pretty well). Then he asked why I was working as a file clerk. I told him I was hoping to get my "creative writing career" going and this was just paying the bills.
I specifically mentioned I wanted to write comics. he asked if I had noticed if our firm represented any comic book publishers. I had and we do. It's not either of the big two, but it's got a good reputation and puts out good books (kissing up? You betcha.)
He said he'd try to help me finagle a way to get my stuff in front of people, "because you need to start planning for your time after" the firm.
Wow. I was shocked and happy. Getting a break like this would be perfect. Exactly what I wanted/needed.
All I had to do was try to find out the attorney who handled the publisher and be ready to accept that he or she might not want to bother their client.
Fair enough.
. . .
Two work days later. Monday at about 3.20, I report to the conference room to talk to my boss and the uber-boss on speaker phone.
Apparently my job has been outsourced. That's the bad news.
The good news, is that they're working with an outsourcing company that may want to hire me and put me right where I am now.
I was floored. I'd just gotten my review a week before and I'd done well. Very well. I mean, it was apparent my boss had put little time or thought into it, but I got a good bonus and I was supposed to get a good raise, so everything was good, right?
I guess yes and no.
During the talk I got from my boss as well as the three people from the outsourcing agency (which seems really good, despite the first picture that outsourcing brings up) kept bringing up that this was a "business decision".
It's cliché of me to deride that what's a "business decision" for them is in fact very personal to me, but it is. Though, that doesn't change anything.
What really strikes me about this (aside from doing it a week before Christmas, which is bad form--business decision or not) is how much I'm not panicking. I'm worried. Definitely concerned. But I'm not yanking out my hair.
Maybe part of the lack of panic comes from still being part of their plans, though part of me does want to tell them to shove it.
But I think I just don't really feel that attached to this job. I like it okay, most the time. I do it well most days. But, I can do better. I should do better.
Another, probably more major part of it, is I'm really starting to see how fragile everything is. And not in that scary, it's gonna break if I fuck it up sort of way, but more, it can break if I don't build it up, sort of way.
I remember a conversation with my father after I was out of college, living in a shit-box apartment, getting over a terrible break-up (a good deal of the terribleness being my fault and causing no little amount of self-doubt and self-loathing). During the conversation, I told my father, "I just feel like I'm floating. Directionless." I don't remember what my father said exactly, but it was sort of a message of don't worry, you'll figure it out. It's okay to float for a while. Okay advice, but I never became fully un-floating. Facets of my life have taken direction, and I've pointed my way on a certain number of them. My career hasn't been one of them.
So, I'll probably end up right where I am now (barring anything unforeseen), getting around the same salary. Doing mostly the same work. Getting better benefits (which I found odd, but sure). This might be better in the short-term and possibly long-term if my writing isn't what I think it is. So, that's good.
But, hopefully I won't be as comfortable. Hopefully the cocoon is broken.
I don't know the lawyer's offer will get me anywhere, but it's a chance. And if I hustle I can get more chances. And that's what I need.

UPDATE: The office admin just sent around a memo that doesn't mention me, or the other employees effected by name. Just says, "our present employees". Shouldn't bother me. Does.

...Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right.

Office Survival (No. 1)

I started my current job about 10 months ago. One of the most important things about starting a new job is being nice to everyone for a while, so you can figure out who are going to be your work-friends (if any) and who it is you need to avoid. This is an undertaking for me, because I'm a shy person, who speaks quietly when I'm uncomfortable or don't know people.
So, the first time I said hello to one attorney I work with, and she didn't say anything back, I thought it was because I'd spoken too quietly and she hadn't heard me. This meant I'd have to do better next time. I'd have to smile and look at her more directly and I would have to speak with a little more confidence.
She's a busy person who does a lot of traveling, so my next opportunity to say 'howdy' came a couple weeks later. I saw her coming around the corner, I inhaled, smiled and unleashed a "Hi" that was chipper without being saccharine. You see, I've worked in offices for over 7 years now, and if there's one skill that should be valued over all else, it's the morning, "hi". It's crucial. You have to say it with some vigor, but without overselling it, so that whoever you're unleashing it on doesn't think it's cool to come to your cube and talk to you about how their personal life is. You have to be friendly without being available. The perfect office greeting says I acknowledge your existence, even if I want very little to do with it. And I don't want to toot my own horn, but what I had just performed was the perfect office "hi."
Her reaction? She looked at the ground and walked by me without a hi, a wave or anything. What happened was more of a shudder. It was like I was trying to talk to a high school cheerleader and she couldn't bear the social consequences of being seen near me. I figured she was having a bad day. Attorneys are always expressing their bad days in socially awkward or rude ways. It's part of the excitement of working around them so much.
Well, the next time I showed off my perfect command of office etiquette, her reaction was worse. She forcibly rolled her eyes, though at no time during the rotation did they come close to acknowledging me. And the look of anger she made. I think she would've stabbed me if she could think of doing it in a way that didn't acknowledge I was alive.
At first I was pretty pissed that she should think she's just too good to talk to the lowly File Clerk (or whatever my title really is...but that's a whole different thing). But. It's pretty amusing that anytime I say hi to her, she's going to play high school on me.
Imagine, having to cope with the office environment like that. I almost pity her and want to teach her how to survive. But as it is, she can just expect plenty of "hi"s coming her way.