It's hard, in an office setting, to tell someone they are an idiot. Mostly, this is because of strenuous rules imposed by Human Resources and the like. (I'm quite convinced people who work in HR-as they like to call it-are the lowest forms of life. Not all of them, mind you, but a good 98%. I mean, these are the people charged with keeping you safe from the jungle-rules of the office, and yet they're the ones telling everyone how much you make, or how you were fired from your last 3 jobs because of your drug problem. And they know what websites you look at. And knowing how often I look up Rick Ankiel images on google is power.) So, today I thought I'd offer some helpful tips on how to tell someone they are an idiot (or deal with their idiocy) and not have to go through another seminar on workplace behavior.
1. Call their actions or ideas idiotic. This one is skirting things, and usually still pisses people off, but if you say, "Well, Tim, that's probably the dumbest idea I've heard," you're not calling Tim dumb. This keeps it from being personal. Tim will not like you and may try to get you for this later, but he's a fucking moron, so you should be okay.
1A. The conditional. Much like the last suggestion. You don't say, "You are an idiot." You say, well, "Mary, if you think that, you are a blundering idiot." See, this leaves it up to Mary to take responsibility for being an idiot. It gives her the choice to know a better way. It's really the most charitable of the options I can think of.
2. Say it behind their backs. A lot of places you look, you'll see how gossiping about co-workers is bad form. And, yeah, it's not nice, but seriously, the people you work with are mostly mind-numbed, bobble-headed, dolts. If you find one person (or if you're universally lucky more) who can listen and relate, you have to take that opportunity to vent. The key here is to start small. A couple catty things here to weather balloon the situation. But once you've found that she or he isn't adverse to trash talk, let it out man.
3. Voodoo Light. Now, some aren't comfortable telling someone that the way their mind works is less than acceptable. And others aren't blessed with another competent person to vent to. An option in this situation is voodoo. For those of you who don't necessarily want to make the voodoo doll (though I do recommend stealing a lock of their hair for leaving at a crime scene if they really suck), you can just pick one thing that represents them. And yell at it. This should not be your wife or husband. Think inanimate object. This object can be at home, but it's a lot more effective if you're calling the lamp in your office Donna and wondering why it's such a lazy fuck.
4. Voodoo. For this you have to get a lock of their hair and form a doll that looks like your office co-worker(s). (Save some of the hair for the crime scene. Seriously.) Most people will then stab the dolls with long pins that are supposed to cause pain in the person the doll represents. I do recommend this for the catharsis, but I don't know if that works really. It is sometimes enough to have the dolls just sitting on a shelf behind you, so anyone who comes in can see them.
5. General Passive Aggression. If there's one thing I've learned while working with attorneys and their secretaries and administrative lapdogs, it's that passive aggression is your friend. It's often not as rewarding as other options, but there's a certain sense of pride that comes from pretending to give a shit, but wasting time updating your blog or putting their projects towards the back of the line.
6. Just tell them. Seriously, you put up with enough of their shit. Just tell them straight out. Call it the Johnny Paycheck option. "Mr. James, you are an idiot." Be sure to be polite and call them Mr. or Ms. because in this situation being polite is really important, because people's feelings can be hurt so easily. Especially if they don't realize they are an idiot (and sadly, they hardly ever do).
7. Hold on to your sense of self-supremacy. That's the most important thing you can do. Look I'm not saying you're better than your co-workers, but...
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