Case in point: gifts for the bridal party.
For the most part, Dinah and I had little trouble deciding what would be a proper "thank you" for agreeing to be a part of our wedding. But, it was a little tough when thinking about what to get my brother, which is sort of odd because I generally find him the easiest Christmas gift I ever buy. I wanted to do something interesting and unique. (And my brother's not a suit guy so I was shying away from the traditional cufflinks.) Last week, I was in a bit of a panic trying to come up with something. So I did what I always do when I'm in a panic. I turned to the most helpful place I could to find help: the internet.
My first stop was a place called groomsmen.com. Seemed like a reasonable place to find something interesting and good. The first gift I looked at was a steel harmonica. Because I want my brother to play the blues at the reception and for the rest of his life as he remembers that his only brother thought getting him a harmonica was the best way to say, well, anything. I just don't get this gift. Possibly the worst gift possible...
Until you consider....steak branding irons. This is a useful gift, despite what common sense may tell you. Imagine a beautiful summer day. You're standing next to a hot pit of fire on a 90 degree day. That beer isn't keeping you cool and you know your friend Tina is gonna take the biggest cut, cause that's how Tina is. So, what do you do? You put your fucking initials on the steak.
Or maybe you take grilling seriously. You're an artist, and your canvas is meat. Now, you can sign your meat-canvas with flair.
Oof. Well. My brother might have appreciated this gift, but I didn't feel right paying *ahem* $30 for that. And I think it's a little insult-to-injury to brand a cow after it's dead.
So. It was time to change websites. I can't give money to people who shill branding irons (unless meant for consenting adults). So. On to mygroomsmengifts.com. My expectations were low and this new website didn't fail to disappoint.
Book ends. But wait, they're marble. The description says it's "A wonderful gift for a groomsman who’s a lawyer…or for the officiant of your wedding ceremony" to beat you with. Ugh.
That's not as lame as a pen holder. Wow. "Dave, you're my best man. You took care of me that time when I was drunk and I made out with your mom. You helped me get back on my feet when I got back from the war. You introduced me to Sherry. And I just wanted to thank you for so much. Here's a pen holder. It's made of leather." And pen holder is a step up from memo holder. Personalized or not, this is a shitty gift. ($44.95? For the love of Aunty Em!) I mean, often times during my day I find my memos wandering willy-nilly, just a-wanderin' all over my desk. Sometimes I find those buggers on the floor. They are wont to roam wherever they can, whenever they can. I see the need for a memo holder. But, seriously, does that little wuss holder look like it can stand up to the kind of memos I'm writing? I write a mean memo. A furious memo, really. And many of the ones I get in return are just as ferocious. That isn't gonna do it. I know the description says it's "equal parts John Wayne and Donald Trump", but it looks more John Denver to me. (Rocky Mountain Hiiiiiigh, Coloradooo).
So let's move on. To the duffle bag. Again, you can personalize it, but the description is so half hearted. An excerpt:
You'll become a fan. All things aren't equal. As good as it looks. It's exceptional in every way. Sets a higher standard. So raise your expectations. Our Logan Deluxe Duffle Bag doesn't cut corners on functionality. A classic duffel bag made better. Well worth your attention. Why not give the best to your groomsmen. They'll be inspired to take a journey. Go on an adventure of a lifetime...
Why bother writing complete sentences about this piece of shit. And it just left me with some questions. Maybe I'm naive, but did we need to set a higher standard for hauling around my sweaty socks? I appreciate that it's exceptional in everyway, but other than having a functional zipper how is that better than any other gym bag I've owned? Oh, it's worth my attention (way to bury the lead there) and will inspire them to take a journey? An adventure of a lifetime? I think if I gave that to my brother his journey would be to jail for killing me and stuffing me inside that oh-so-thoughtful gift.
I guess, I just don't understand the idea of "we'll take some everyday thing (or memo holder) and make it the best fucking thing (but not really) and charge way too much for it. And men will and should get these for their groomsmen to commemorate a very important moment in their life".
I finally figured out what to get my brother. It's probably more traditional than I thought it would be. I think he'll like it, but at this point, I can at least happily say I didn't get him a fucking duffle bag.
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