Law Affirmation #2...or man, I'm losing it a little bit...

I remember the day I started kindergarten. Rain was pouring out of the sky. Big thick drops that wet my whole head when they hit me. My Dad had decided to go into work late so he could take me, so we were both walking through the torrent. It wasn't a far walk just a block away, across County Line Road. We'd made it all the way to the front walkway leading up to the main doors of the school when something happened. I don't remember what it was--thunder, lightning in the distance, or if it was something internal that no one could see and I couldn't explain. But, I ran. I let go of my father's hand and ran toward the school building. I can tell you it was not excitement. It was definitely fear.
The picture of my father, water dripping down his face, gently putting his hand on my shoulder as he caught me and asking me why I'd taken off has been running through my head a lot recently. For a lot of reasons, I know. But it botthers me that I didn't have an answer then and I really don't have one now.
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We're now under three weeks until I start school officially, in case you might have forgotten. Me? I have not forgotten. In fact, I cannot forget. I can't seem to think about anything else lately. We got our first assignments over the last weekend, along with a list of the books we'll need. It's all becoming real. And fast.
There's a logical, knowing part of my brain that is telling me I can do this. That I'm prepared as best I can be. That I'm smart enough and hard-working enough and that my experience has prepared me to be here. That I can live up to the high expectations I have for myself. I like this part of me.
Of course, there's the other part of me that I am not as prepared as everyone else. That the kids coming straight from college have a huge advantage over me and that I am going to be even more lonely as I spend time reading and trying to keep up with what is sure to be an onslaught of work. And my expectations are just dreams that I do not have the ability to live up to. This part of myself, I udnerstand and even appreciate the way it can keep me working hard, but man, it does not let up.
And lately, it has been dominating my thinking. Even as I hear people telling me they think I can do it, I have two reactions. First, I think they're just trying to calm me, which I appreciate, but makes me not believe them fully. Second, I think they also have high expectations of me that I will only let down. Which is all to say, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I know that I will work hard. I know I will do well. But the waiting is really starting to wear on me. My daily activities have stopped being interesting and now seem to be a concious effort to distract me from the reality that I will soon be starting school. Soon, but not yet. No. For now I go pick up my books and start my assignments and hope to draw comfort from that. Because that's the only tangible thing I can do to get me closer to the start of everything. And to the answers of whether I can do it or not.
But what's really got me worried is that I am having all this doubt. It's natural for me, I know. But this is definitely a time when I wish I were cocky and confident, but it's just not me. Well, it is and it isn't. With so much being an unknown right now and with so much on the line, it's normal for me to be a little shaken.
I just know that I am no fun right now. Not fun to be around. I mean, we went to Lake Minnetonka (yes, that Lake Minnetonka--with the purifying waters*) on Sunday and I couldn't stop thinking about my professors, and books and first assignments and what I'm gonna wear to the fist day and will I make friends and what if my section sucks or what if I'm too old to have any friends....and on and on...
Deep breath.
And another, shall we?
Better.
Let's look at this from a different perspective. Last year, I had just signed up for the LSAT. It wasn't much later than that that I took my first practice test and discovered there was no possible way for me to get into a decent law school, much less get a scholarship that would make law school affordable enough for me to get there. I remember walking home from the Kaplan test, feeling completely deflated. I would need to raise my score by 12 points to have a shot at going anywhere and getting anything.
And now, a year later, I'm sitting in William Mitchell waiting for my classes to start in 3 weeks. Wow. That looking back a year trick really works. Ahh. Perspective.
Okay. Three weeks to get everything as in order as I can.

*Note 1. From Purple Rain? Seriously, if you didn't know that, I feel sad for you right now. Like my heart aches for you.