In one of the open houses I attended at Mitchell, one of the presenters, a long time professor at the college told us to think about one moment that crystalized why we want to be a lawyer. He told us his was the dramatic turn and look at a witness on the stand. He was going to point his finger...but he didn't know what he would say. But that was his moment and he thought about it when things seemed like they were rough. And so, he gave us he advice to have a moment of our own to keep in mind through the strikes and gutters of our time at Mitchell.
Well, week three is drawing to a close. And it's starting to get a little rough. In fact, last Tuesday was rougher than I was expecting it to get this early. Tuesday is one of the big reading days on my reading schedule. I only have one class in the afternoon, so I get up early and bust out my reading for both my Wednesday classes and anything else I can get to. But it's a lot of work. A lot. Not that I didn't expect it to be hard. It's just different when you're in the middle of a long day of reading, following a long week of reading and you get something back that says you're not good enough.
Which isn't exactly what happened to me, but it's how it felt. One problem I'm having with law school is that, in school, I'm used to getting a lot of feedback. And usually it's positive feedback. Law school is not like that. From what I can tell, it's mostly reading and holding yourself accountable for knowing what you're reading. Sure, you have to present cases and be ready to be questioned on those cases. That's motivating. But when class is over, no one explains to you what everything is about. No one says that your comments were really smart or that you seem to have a handle on things. You just pack up your stuff and try to get ready for the next class.
So, Tuesday. After a long day of reading my Civil Procedure (which I had spent 5 hours on Saturday, but still wasn't getting) and going to my one class. I decided I would take a grammar test. It's a requirement of our legal writing component that we pass with 90% proficiency. We were instructed not to talk to anyone else or use anything to help us, so I didn't. But, I did not pass with 90% proficiency**. Argh. So I will have to take it again and perhaps go to writing lab*. It's not a big deal, right?
But at the end of the day, after spending most the day reading alone in a quiet, still, lonely library, and without having any confirmation that I'm getting it, I freaked out. Not big-time. I didn't head right for Pizza Hutt and start flagelating myself with breadsticks. But I freaked out. Dinah did a good job calming me down, which couldn't have been easy, but honestly, it was still with me when I was going through classes yesterday. I was listening to the Civ Pro professor at 9 am, the whole time telling myself, "you have to get this. You
have to. If you don't understand motions to dismiss, then you'll never be a lawyer. You'll never do anything. You'll work yourself right back into the rut." That fucking rut. I don't know if I can explain how much I don't want to get back into unthinking, easy, unrewarding work. I can't. Not that being an attorney as all good times and happiness, but it's better for me.
By the end of my last class at 3:50, I was so tired. There was a meeting at 4 for a volunteer group here that I was thinking of going to, and after some internal debate, I decided I should probably go. And, you know doubt see where this is going. I am really glad I did. The meeting was for a volunteer group on campus that specializes in getting law students to volunteer at non-profit or government agencies that need some help.
And wow. This group seems really energized and happy. And it was a great meeting, the upshot being that on Saturdays I'm going to be able to volunteer for a couple hours at the self-help clinic here in St. Paul. There's a limit on how many 1L's they let do this, so I'm pretty happy I volunteered quickly.
I don't know. These first three weeks, I've spent so much time in the library. Which is good. I'm getting through stuff. I'm understanding stuff. The library is where I need to be. But, it will be really nice to see what I'm working towards, even if I don't have the picture in my head of exactly what I'm gonna be doing.
*Note 1. Goddamn you affect/effect. Goddamn you.
**Note 2. I am making it my policy not to talk about grades. I debated about whether to mention this at all, but I decided it's okay to say whether I passed something or not. But, I will not talk about my grades on the blog. I'm also planning on not talking about them generally. I heard a horror story about someont in the last couple years here who facebooked their grades and I just think that's not going to work out well for me. So. Yeah. I will allow myself to say things like "I passed" or "I didn't pass" or "I wanted to do better". I think it's just gonna be better this way.
