1 class left, tomorrow. Then a little time for review and then finals. It's amazing to think this year is ending. I've been in review for finals mode for a little over a week, but mostly without the complete realization that I actually have to take these tests. I've been putting in work and making sure I'm getting things in order, but there has been very little stress about it. In my mind they were still so far away that it was not time to panic--that will come in time, I'm sure.
Instead, this last week was spent worrying about my writing class, next year's schedule, and how I'm viewed by my fellow law students. As I think I mentioned in my last post, the only thing left for my writing class was giving "oral arguments" on my "motion" last Tuesday. Originally, I wasn't overly worried about it. I had an outline of points to cover and was ready for some questions I thought I would be asked. But at the last minute, I came down with a case of the worries and decided I should freak out about it, and three hours standing in front of a mirror giving my presentation. I think this probably helped my presentation, but the whole time I was doing it I was filled with a feeling of panic. It's partially because the writing class is, well, a writing class, which didn't emphasize the oral presentation stuff all the much, so I was not well-practiced. In addition, I think that feeling of panic also came from my self-imposed pressure to be good at this particular skill. This is what lawyers in the field I want to join do.
But I think I was also a little surprised that after a year of law school, I didn't feel more prepared or confident or something. Not that I blame the school or my professors or anything. I think last year, I just assumed I'd be more confident after a year of law school. More on this in a minute.
And also as I mentioned in my last post, I registered for 14 credits next semester--most of them meeting on Monday and Wednesday. And I'm going to try to write on to law review--notoriously time-consuming. And I'm going to be on the board of one student organization. And I'm working with a group of students to start a learning community for 1L's interested in public interest law. And I'm going to want to volunteer next semester. I keep telling myself this is all very doable, but when I list it out I start to feel a little panicky. I did a good job this year taking on some added challenges without killing myself. It just took some planning and discipline in sticking with my reading schedule. Next year can be just the same, right?
One of the cruelest tricks the writing class over-professors* pulled this year was the implementation of a peer-rating system. This is apparently the first year they have done this. The way it worked was every student was given a list of the students in our writing class--10 students for my section. And for every student, we were asked to assign a number from 1 to 5. It wasn't exactly clear what we were supposed to base our judgments on, but 5 was good and 1 was bad. The reason they told us for implementing this was to show us the importance of our reputation**--after all, our classmates would be the people who would be likely to refer us work and this was vital to our success beyond law school. Now, I did "well" on this, for whatever that means (and I don't think it means much). But lately, this concern about how other students see me has crept up on me. It's been there all year, but mostly I've managed to put it aside after I messed something up, or even if I did well. I've been able to keep on track and concentrate on trying to understand the material. But law school is a social place. Everyone is spending a lot of alone time with their books and notes, and we need to be social or they'll go batty. So, I guess I've put heightened pressure on myself to be more social, and with pretty good results, actually. But that heightened pressure has really made me uncomfortable. I'm not bad at being social, until I put a lot of pressure on myself--then I'm just nervous and awkward.
So, as I prepare to hit the reading days, I'm gonna do it with some calmness. Because this is a happy time. The sun is shining, and the grass is now decidedly green here. I've got four finals, all of which I can do well on. And then four magically days where I have no assignments before I do law review. And then my clerkship. Yes. This is definitely a happy time.
*Note 1. I say 'over-professors', because there are sort of two levels of professors for this class. There's the ones who lead classes and grade your writing. I really liked these professors, but they don't really have any control over the curriculum. The second level, the over-professors, do. They make the syllabus, pick the books and decide what the assignments will be.
**Note 2. Because law school students don't already feel the pressure of impressing the rest of the class, or, at the very least, not making a fool of ourselves. Ridiculous. And honestly, what do these numbers mean? What happens if my number went down? What happens if they went up? Did I do something or is it just someone put down a different number for an arbitrary reason?
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