Voices and Vision, Or picking myself up.

Last year I talked myself out of being frightened.  I talked myself out of listening to the part of me that told me I can't do things, and I just did them.  I just put my nose down and worked hard.  Last year was a good year.  But it was easier then.  I know the first year of law school is said to be the toughest and in some ways it is.  But because it's so tough, you focus on it.  You don't raise your head and look around and see everything.  Or at least I didn't.  And I was stronger because of it.
This year, on the other hand, I've had my head up.  This year sort of demands that.  On Campus Interviewing was the first "welcome back", and as I've detailed, that has been a rough process.*  And it threw me off.  I have never liked interviewing and that's probably because I'm not terribly good at it, but this was more than that.  If I was (am) able to land with a firm, I could start planning.  My wife and I would be able to start making concrete plans about our life.  We could know for sure where we would live; when we would have kids; and we could see it.  That last one is the important part--we could see it.  And that's one of the biggest pluses of OCI, yes, you're a couple years away, but this is what your life could be.  It's tantalizing.  And part of the regret I have about not doing better is that I have lost that vision.
And having lost it, I feel a little rudderless.  Despite that nothing changed, it feels like everything changed.  I suddenly don't know where I'm going.  The voices I was able to block out last year are not getting blocked this year.
*****
Vision is a really dangerous thing.  Last night I participated in a mock direct-examination.  Basically, I was to act like a prosecutor questioning his star witness.  And I had visions of me, some years from now, examining a witness.  Confidently asking questions.  Probing for all the good details and having the witness say everything that would make the case.
But this is not how it played out.  I was nervous.  I was fidgety.  I was not confident.  I was bad.  And the lawyers who evaluated me pointed this out.  And then I got to watch the video of me and see that everything they said was spot on.  Having to watch myself on video has never been something I have enjoyed.  I don't like the sound of my voice.  I think I kind of look funny.  But it's much worse when you've been told, here's what you did wrong, and you get to watch yourself do them wrong.  I sat there, eyes trying unsuccessfully not to look at it, but there it was.  I couldn't change it.  I just had to watch me motion with my pen again, and think, "Stop doing that.  Jesus, will you stop doing that?  Please don't look so stupid.  Please just stop being so bad.  Stop being...you."
The voices that I was able to block out last year...they were there.  Honestly they've been with since OCI.  And I need to get my head together enough to focus back in.  I can't keep going on like this.
*****
Over the summer I was talking with one of my coworkers and he we started talking about how law school changes you.  We were chatting with another intern who was just about to head off to law school and she dismissed it, but my coworker and I were adamant.  Law school changes you.  It does.
But it's hard to put a finger on how it changes you.  Or it's hard for me to see how it's changed me at this point.  But I know I'm different.  And I think this is part of my problem now.**  Because that's what all of the criticism has been in my exercises.  That's been my problem with OCI.  I don't know how to interact with people in these situations.  And I'm grasping, because I'm not confident enough in myself.  And that makes everyone else less comfortable.
Yeah.  So I guess that's where I'm at right now.  I've got to pull it together.  And I will.  It's been a rough stretch, but this gets better.  That's my story--this gets better.  I'm just going to have to work harder at blocking out the hangover of the early failures.  And I'm going to have to work harder at believing I can do this.  And I'm going to need to ask for help.  Because there's a lot more opportunities ahead for me to show that I can do this.  And I can do this.  I can and I will.
That's right.  I'm doubling down.

*Note 1.  I still have one firm that may want to talk to me, and I'm really hopeful that will work out.  Hopeful, but not sure.  I mean, I was turned down by 16 other firms, so it's hard to hold out hope given that a lot of what I presented to each firm was the same information.
**Note 2.  Why yes, I will turn this into an existential thing, thank you very much.