Why can't I just feel happy about the weather?

So much of law school is dealing with disappointment. Not getting the grades you're used to. Not getting the clerkship you want. Not having time to do things you want. Not winning all the little battles that make up a day and a semester in law school.

I've dealt with my share of disappointment in the past, but it all feels very different now. It's all so much more dramatic. Some of that difference is because I'm paying money to be here. And some of it is because this is a competitive environment and it's bringing out competitive feelings in me that I'm not really used to and not sure I'm comfortable with*. But, I think a lot of the difference is because I'm finally seeing where I want my life to be and I'm trying to steer my life in that direction.

And everything that goes wrong feels like a message to me that I am not going to get there.

That's how much pressure I'm putting on myself. And I know it's not healthy. But there it is.

The back story to this post is that I applied for a few clerkships last month and today was the day I was supposed to hear back from them about an interview. I say, "I" applied, but really, it's me and somewhere around 1,000 other law students. So, I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed that today I heard that I did not land an interview. But, as you've probably put together from my post thus far, I am.

I don't know. I didn't expect that once I'd figured my life out that everything would fall into place, but I did not prepare myself for the amount of disappointment that would be involved in this first year of law school. I didn't prepare myself for how much of everything is just beyond my control. I think I thought that working hard would directly correlate into success. And I suppose there is some correlation, but it is not a direct correlation. You can't just pour time and effort into things and expect they will go your way, which makes sense, but can also be disheartening.

And I think being disheartened is starting to be a theme for me with law school right now. But not in any specific way. I mean, yes, I didn't get the clerkships I wanted. And there are some things I wish would go differently. But, aside from things turning out the way I want them to, there's no one thing, or set of things, that if they were different, I would say would guarantee my success, or happiness. So, that's just life I guess.

I suppose once I'm out of law school, I'll miss out on jobs, and I'll lose cases, or have negotiations go poorly. And I'll just have to deal with it. So I guess this is just part of life.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was in such a vulnerable part of my life. Which is another way to say, I wish I could have a better perspective on how much every little battle matters. Is losing out on these clerkships going to relegate me to not getting a good job next summer? And once I try to join the workforce after that? Probably not. I guess not. Well, I certainly hope not.

But I don't know, and that's just how it is. So it's on to the next plan. And I need to remember that this plan might turn out better than the other plan. That too is not something I have complete control over.

*Note 1. I'm a horrible person. I just found out a guy in my section dropped out for reasons unknown and one of my first thoughts was, "how is this going to affect the curve?" Nice. The topic of my competitiveness should get its own post soon.

Grades...

Grades came in last week.

As you know if you've been reading for a while, I don't want to discuss my grades. I've heard other people talking about their grades--like actually stating what they got--and I really find it off-putting. I don't want to talk about my grades. But.

I really want to talk about my grades. Not how I did so much as how I feel about them. Which is almost abstract enough that you wouldn't need to know what I got in order to relate to what I'm saying. Right?

Anyway. So, I feel pretty good about how things turned out. I wasn't happy with all of them, but I was happy with enough of them. So, it's not what I got that bothers me. What bothers me is, what do they mean?

They don't really measure what I know. I mean, they do in some way. You can't do well on an exam without having some knowledge and ability. Probably. But when you involve the curve, then the letters you're assigned don't even intend to signify what you learned. They mean to signify how you stand in relation to the rest of your class. They're meant to sort you into a class ranking, so that prospective employers can look at your grades quickly and decide what they mean about you. But that doesn't really tell me what they mean.

And maybe that's not important, but I still feel those grades. I feel them as clearly as a proclamation. They're either telling me I'm not working hard enough, or that I'm not going to be a good attorney. Or they're telling me I'm doing okay. I'm on the right track. Or maybe they're saying you are lucky. One answer changed on a multiple choice test, or one magic word missing from an essay, and I could be higher or lower.

Grades are arbitrary.

And yet they are important. They're important to prospective employers, and considering that it's time to start thinking about summer employment, that means they're important. So. I guess that's all there is. Blah.

Follow up letter to Albert Pujols...

Dear Mr. Pujols,

As you may remember from my last letter to you on this site, I have been engaged in learning the process of negotiation at my law school. And this made me appreciate the situation you're in now as you negotiate with the Cardinals.

Well let me tell you a tale, Mr. Pujols, and you can decide how, or if, this applies to your situation.

This past Tuesday, I was assigned to negotiate a fictional situation involving the price of Christmas trees in Michigan. I was "representing" a group of sellers who were looking to continue their relationship with a charitble group, my opponent. Because it was a charity I was negotiating against, my "client" was not concerned about making money, but they were farmers and couldn't afford to take a huge loss. I would be negotiating against another student and we were given parameters in which our "clients" would feel comfortable allowing us to make a deal on their behalf. I was supposed to get a number of terms, but three of the most important were that the contract would be for 10,000 trees, at $33 to $35 a tree, and contain a clause that protected my client in case storms, flooding, or drought caused the crop to fail. Pretty basic, really.

So, I prepared for this assignment, by doing the assigned reading, all of which stressed the importance of finding common ground and being able to compromise. I took this to heart and drafted some options that would allow my "client" to be protected and still be of interest to the other side. I felt good. I thought the other student and I would be able to negotiate a deal that would make both our "clients" happy.

And then I walked into the negotiation. Long story short, my opponent decided to lowball me.* Like hardcore. We did agree on 10,000 trees, but my opponent offered $12 a tree, or a $250,000 loss for my client. I balked. I balked, but I was was thrown off. It was insulting and I think people in the real world equivalent of my situation would have walked out there. But I was being graded, so I had to stay and continue negotiating. After 5 minutes of fighting, in which he refused to come up at all, we decided we wouldn't come to an agreement on the price, so we moved on. He agreed to allow the weather-protection clause, but only if we agreed to allocate all possible inventory to him. Which means that if there were a horrendous event that would cause my "client" to lose inventory, we would have to sell all we could to them--garaunteeing a loss and most likely bankrupting my "client". I balked. And I became very frustrated. I mean, here we are, two law students play-acting a situation where we've been told our goals are to be reasonable and to negotiate what our "clients" would want. And he was gunning me. I was so upset. I felt this guy was trying to take advantage of me. And I took it personally. And all I had at stake was 14 points.

The reason I bring this up is because there are stories floating around the internet saying how things are going the wrong way in your negotiation.** And I'm saying, in a small way, I can relate. It's easy to know you're being reasonable and to know that the other side is being ridiculous. And you obviously have a lot more on the line than I did with my stupid 14 points. I just hope the Cardinals are looking at things more rationally than the person I was negotiating against me. I hope you guys can find common ground.

Mr. Pujols, I really would like to see you sign with the Cardinals. I'd love to see you end your career with them. But, I know things don't always work out that way. And if they're not giving you the value you think you should get, I hope you walk away. It'll suck not to see you at first base, if that happens. It would be weird not to look forward to your every at bat. But honestly, the Cardinals are a huge organization, and they likely can afford to pay you a huge contract. And you deserve it. You honestly do, sir.

But, I hope you don't take it personally. I'm sure they don't mean to make you feel devalued or disrespected. They aren't gunning you. They know how much you mean to the fans and to the club--they'd have to be insane not to know how much you mean. They may just be putting a different number on the value.

Anyway, good luck to you in your negotiations.

joe

PS. Please don't sign with the Cubs. I can handle you in pretty much any uniform, but not that one.

*Note 1. In law school, when another student tries to show you up or stick it to you, that student is called a gunner. And this was a total gunner move.

**Note 2. And I have no idea whether these guys know what they're talking about or not. I'm inclined to hope not and cite the agreement both sides have to not leak anything.

An Open Letter to Albert Pujols...

Dear Mr. Albert Pujols,

You sir, are a god.

You are the greatest hitter in baseball right now. And, your are making a good case of being one of the best ever.

You are also in the process of negotiating a contract extension with the St. Louis Cardinals--my favorite team. And this negotiation is splitting my loyalties.

On the one hand, with the knowledge that you are the greatest, I think you should get a ton of money. Seriously, if we could get a scale and put 2000 lbs of hundred dollar bills on it, that would be yours, in my estimation. It's my impression this would far exceed the 3o million a year for 10 years that you are rumored to want, but I'm not sure. My point is, you have been a great player for a long time, playing under a contract that the most club-friendly person might call "modest". And you've seemed like a good person through it all. Team leader, unselfish player, you've been everything on the field. And off, it seems. In fact, you've set up a charity that helps people living with Down syndrome.

In short, I think the Cardinals should give you your money. And I think the Cardinals can afford to pay you. And if they can't, it's because they didn't plan ahead enough.

I know you probably didn't know this Mr. Pujols, but I'm currently in law school and as part of my training, I've been studying the negotiation process in one of my skills class. So, when I saw the report that the Cardinals believe you would not accept a trade in the middle of the season, part of me smiled. I saw this as a smart bargaining position. It says to the team, either you pay me now, or you have to try to pay me when the Yankees and Red Sox bring there wallets to the table--you won't get the consolation prize of prospects. It's a strong move. It's probably the right move for you, sir.

Here's my problem though. I rationally see your position and acknowledge your right to get paid. But. I also am a life-long Cardinal fan, and this is not something that is entirely rational. Should you not get the contract you deserve and leave, well, I don't know what I'll do. Over the last decade, I have grown to love watching you play baseball. I have really enjoyed it. And if you go somewhere else, I don't know how I'll react. That's not exactly true--if you go to the Cubs, I will have to seek professional help. And professional strength medication. But, barring that, I'm going to be torn. I can't see myself following you and becoming a fan of another team. It's unthinkable, really. So. I would still follow your career. I would still root for you to do well. I would cheer you if/when you came through Minneapolis. But, it would definitely be a parting for us. I could state it another way, I suppose, but this is what it boils down to.

I know you can't take this into your calculation. You have to make a business decision. You have to make a decision that's good for your family. And I wish you luck. And I really do hope you get the money you deserve.

I just also hope you can do it with the Cardinals.

All the best,

joe

Back at law school...

William Mitchell has a requirement that every student has to attend a certain number of presentations ("PLP"s)--given by faculty, attorneys from the community, or experts in some field--by the end of the first semester of the second year. The idea behind it is to expose us all to different areas of law and pique our interest in issues that aren't covered in our required classes. Some people have not been enthused by this "extra" requirement, but I have really liked it. In fact, I'm almost done with the requirement, but I probably will continue to going.

This past week, I went to a PLP given by a relatively young attorney on the requirements of filing a suit under the Americans with Disabilities Act, as well as the Minnesota state counterpart. And while the topic was really interesting, but there were two things I really liked about this particular presentation. The first was the passion he had for his work. I could see it in the way he talked about the state of the law; his voice was focused, sometimes to the point of straining. I could see the anger when he was discussing how routinely disabled people in our society get the short end of the stick. It was so refreshing to see. In law school, I've met professors who are passionate about what they teach, or just about teaching in general. And that's great. But, their appreciation in many ways is very clinical. It's the appreciation or anger one has for the mechanics of a subject. It's the difference between looking at a Van Gogh and appreciating the brushstrokes, the choice of color pallate and the structure of the painting, as opposed to feeling the painting on some visceral level. Obviously, it's good to appreciate the mechanics, but sometimes you just have to feel it.

The second thing I liked about the presentation was something he said as he was starting. "I found law school," and he paused thinking of the best word, "deeply alienating. So, if that's where you're at, don't worry." I don't know that I am finding law school deeply alienating, but it is, as I've mentioned, a very lonely endeavor. Most days, it's just me and a number of books, with breaks for class and eating. And it's nice to hear from someone who didn't romantacize the experience. I think my experience is pretty different than most people I've bump into. I am older. I'm married. And, I'm more quiet than a lot of people. So, in a lot of ways, I feel pretty isolated.

Which isn't to say I'm not enjoying law school. I am. There are tough days, but this wasn't meant to be easy. And that challenge is really exciting.

******

So, yeah, I am back at law school. We started up on the 10th, and that first week was rough. I thought I was ready to return after the break. It turns out, I was ready to get back to class, but buckling down and getting the work done proved to be a little hard. Luckily, my drive returned this week big time. I worked late every night this week and did so with good focus. And it felt good. So, that's nice.

******

What hasn't been nice is that Mitchell has a really odd system of grade reporting. Basically the past 3 Wednesdays and Fridays they've posted what grades have come in on the internet. But only from 5.30 pm until 10 am the next morning. And my grades have trickled in. Of the four that will report this way (my writing class does it differently), I only have one grade. And I know that I'm trying not to focus on grades. And grades aren't the focus of my learning. And what's important is that I get where I want to go. Yeah, these things I am aware of. However. I would like to see how I did. I took these tests over a month ago, and I know that these are all classes of over 70 people, and the process of entering all of the grades into whatever system they have must be long and exhausting. And they have to get to the seniors first. But I'm really having trouble being patient about this.

It's just tortorous to check every Wednesday and Friday for three weeks and only see one grade. And to have no idea when the rest are coming. ugh.

The good news is next week they start posting them every night of the week. So, hopefully by this time next week, I'll have some idea whether I should be pushing myself harder or changing my study habits. Hopefully.

******

One reason I've had to work late this week is because I have been working on applications for a number clerkships for the summer, which are due on Tuesday. Good news on that is that I'm done. All of the positions are in the public sector--some really exciting places. I know a lot of poeple are going to be applying for these, and the odds that I even get an interveiw are long. But. It's worth a shot. And I think I'd do well at any of these places. So, we'll see.

Rodin, or I didn't just spend my time in San Francisco doing Maltese Falcon stuff...

I'm sure the last two posts have you worried that I spent much of my San Francisco time looking up places based on the actions of various fictional characters, but rest assured. I did make time to get out and some of the other things San Francisco has to offer (as well as work on some of my law school stuff for class next week).

Coming into San Francisco, I didn't really have too many plans about things I wanted to see. I wanted to visit the Hammett sights, but other than that, I just wanted to see what was around. So, Thursday afternoon, when I was planning Friday afternoon, I just googled, "San Francisco sights" and tried to get some ideas. And I was lucky to find there is a pretty substantial collection of sculptures by Rodin here. So, this afternoon, while Dinah was hard at work, I went to the Legion of Honor Museum to see a mess of sculptures by the master.

The grounds of the museum are surrounded by a golf course and a park, which means they are gorgeous and well kept. Also, they are strikingly quiet and expansive--especially in San Francisco, where space is at a premium and everything is built as close together as possible. It was a nice change of pace.

I have only included pictures of Rodin's two of the scuptures here. The Thinker is, of course, a very famous sculpture and the museum has it sitting in the front court yard with nothing else around it. It's very striking.

The other sculpture I thought would be nice to include was a piece called The Great Hand, and, while I am no art critic, I think it captures what I really like about Rodin--the passion and tension he captures in his sculpture.

The museum also has on its grounds a Holocaust Memorial, pictured below. It's a really striking sculpture and I think the picture pretty much says it all.

One last Maltese Falcon Post...

After yesterday, I knew I hadn't visited all of the places mentioned in The Maltese Falcon.* I did visit 891 Post St., which is another apartment Hammett had in San Francisco and the basis for the description of the Spade's apartment, but I didn't post the pictures I took because they were boring. But, there was still one other place I hadn't visited--John's Grill.
Part of the reason I had not visited was because when you google, "maltese falcon san francisco", it's one of the first things that pops up. And that didn't seem right to me, because John's Grill is in the book for maybe two lines and there's no real description of the place aside from the fact that Spade orders pork chops, mashed potatoes and tomato slices, and that he smokes while he's there. But. Dinah's conference was really near the grill, so today we met there for lunch. And I gotta say, it was pretty awesome.
The ambiance is really cool. Lit sparingly, but not dim, the dark wood gives you the feeling that this place is just as it was when Hammet visited it. I doubt Hammet would look kindly on the prices, but the place is kind of a tourist trap, so what can you do?
The only thing that convinced me I wanted to visit this place was the rumor that they had a replica of the falcon there on the second floor. I am not someone who craves seeing or having movie replicas, but this is my weak spot. Like the characters in the book, I crave a maltese falcon. I have dreams of getting my first post-law school check and buying a maltese falcon replica,** to put on my desk.
Anyway. As Dinah and I were sitting there waiting for lunch, I noticed that above the bar, they had sitting a small replica. I tried to take some pictures of that, but because of the lighting, I couldn't get one to turn out. Suffice it to say, it was smaller than I thought. And the display of it up there was not terribly impressive. It looked more like an afterthought than I would've thought for a place that prides itself on being in Hammett's masterpiece.
But I ventured upstairs after a bit and found the case I've pictured here. Let me tell you, it was truly impressive. I may have stared at it for twenty minutes, before heading back downstairs.

*Note 1. I know, you were all very disappointed in me.

**Note 2. And secretly, it's not that expensive.