So much of law school is dealing with disappointment. Not getting the grades you're used to. Not getting the clerkship you want. Not having time to do things you want. Not winning all the little battles that make up a day and a semester in law school.
I've dealt with my share of disappointment in the past, but it all feels very different now. It's all so much more dramatic. Some of that difference is because I'm paying money to be here. And some of it is because this is a competitive environment and it's bringing out competitive feelings in me that I'm not really used to and not sure I'm comfortable with*. But, I think a lot of the difference is because I'm finally seeing where I want my life to be and I'm trying to steer my life in that direction.
And everything that goes wrong feels like a message to me that I am not going to get there.
That's how much pressure I'm putting on myself. And I know it's not healthy. But there it is.
The back story to this post is that I applied for a few clerkships last month and today was the day I was supposed to hear back from them about an interview. I say, "I" applied, but really, it's me and somewhere around 1,000 other law students. So, I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed that today I heard that I did not land an interview. But, as you've probably put together from my post thus far, I am.
I don't know. I didn't expect that once I'd figured my life out that everything would fall into place, but I did not prepare myself for the amount of disappointment that would be involved in this first year of law school. I didn't prepare myself for how much of everything is just beyond my control. I think I thought that working hard would directly correlate into success. And I suppose there is some correlation, but it is not a direct correlation. You can't just pour time and effort into things and expect they will go your way, which makes sense, but can also be disheartening.
And I think being disheartened is starting to be a theme for me with law school right now. But not in any specific way. I mean, yes, I didn't get the clerkships I wanted. And there are some things I wish would go differently. But, aside from things turning out the way I want them to, there's no one thing, or set of things, that if they were different, I would say would guarantee my success, or happiness. So, that's just life I guess.
I suppose once I'm out of law school, I'll miss out on jobs, and I'll lose cases, or have negotiations go poorly. And I'll just have to deal with it. So I guess this is just part of life.
I just wish I didn't feel like I was in such a vulnerable part of my life. Which is another way to say, I wish I could have a better perspective on how much every little battle matters. Is losing out on these clerkships going to relegate me to not getting a good job next summer? And once I try to join the workforce after that? Probably not. I guess not. Well, I certainly hope not.
But I don't know, and that's just how it is. So it's on to the next plan. And I need to remember that this plan might turn out better than the other plan. That too is not something I have complete control over.
*Note 1. I'm a horrible person. I just found out a guy in my section dropped out for reasons unknown and one of my first thoughts was, "how is this going to affect the curve?" Nice. The topic of my competitiveness should get its own post soon.
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