My father was a great father. He really was. I have fond memories of my dad telling me he was proud of me when I'd get a hit in little league or when I'd bring home good grades in school. I remember playing cribbage with him, joking with him, just enjoying being around him.
My father was a great father. He was the kind of man I wanted to grow up to be. He had a fine job. He had a happy marriage. A nice house. Good kids. He had a good life. He was happy.
That's what I always thought about him until he came home one day and told my mother that he'd filed for a divorce.
It was a shock to me. And in the ensuing months, when my father suddenly had a new live-in girlfriend, who moved from Florida after having talked to him online for 5 or 6 years, and alienating all 3 of his children (to varying degrees), as well as displaying some irradic behavior, I remember thinking he was going through some sort of life-crisis. I even asked him if he was. To which he said, "Somethings just got to a point, where I needed a change." Regardless of people's feelings and expectations, apparently, but I digress.
I bring this up not to lament about my daddy-issues or to pillary the man (though clearly I have some and he probably deserves it). I bring this up because I can see where my father was coming from. Sort of.
I don't know when he started feeling whatever it is that led him to feel he had to act out so manicly, but it must have been building for a while for him to feel justified in his actions. I sometimes wonder what it was that set him off finally. And I wonder what it was that was building in him, unnurtured and angry, all that time. I wonder if he had dreams he couldn't pursue after he came back from Vietnam and got married and started having kids. And really I just feel bad for him. Angry, though I am, I just pity him for forcing himself to go through the motions for however long and pretending to still be the same proud father and happy husband.
It's a weird feeling when someone you love becomes a cautionary tale. Despite their actions, you want things to work out for them, because you love them, even if you can't talk to them. And I guess things could work out for him. But I feel guilty knowing that my life is going to be better because I've seen his mistakes I know that I can work to avoid them.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
30 from 30...
30 days from turning 30.
30 years old.
It doesn't freak me out that much. It's just interesting to think about in terms of how things have changed for me in the last year and how things are going to change for me soon.
The biggest change is getting married. Which really isn't that much of a change, because we've been together for 4 + years, so. I get some new jewelry and a tax break, very nice.
I guess part of the reason I've started to really reflect on what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going and such. So, to celebrate, I'm gonna ramble for a bit about expectations and my life and such.
In church when I was a kid, I remember people would always ask me what I wanted to be when I got older. For a while I think I said I wanted to be a teacher (before I realized how completely under seige from parents and administrators those poor bastards are). And I remember one woman at church (who we'll call Peggy--because that was her name), seemed to always be dissappointed by that answer.
"Now Joe, don't you think you could be a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or maybe you could even be President." It was a constant message from everyone, set your goals high. Or rather, we have set your goals high. And I've always been so frightened of dissappointing poeple. Not a good combination.
Fast forward two decades plus. I remember when my Dad left my Mom, I went on a spree of writing. It was great (not the Dad leaving Mom thing, that was actually rather hard, despite me being 27ish at the time, but that's another thing). I just suddenly let myself have the freedom to write down the ideas I had. I'm not sure what the connection between the two are, but I think it has something to do with starting to acept that my expectations for my parents (that they'd live together until one or both of them died) weren't realistic. And maybe I started questioning others expectations for me.
What hasn't helped me is the guilt I feel for being relatively healthy and for getting breaks I've gotten. My father and mother both have genetic flaws (for lack of a better word), that have been passed on to my brother and sister (in varying combinations), and not to me (at least thus far). For most my childhood part of going to the doctor for a checkup was going to a heart doctor and having special tests (I can't remember what test it was, thus it's a "special test") to see if we had the same condition as my mother. And I always felt guilty when mine came back clear. And I was always tracked higher in school than my brother and sister. And I remember being told that being tracked higher and taking AP classes didn't make me smarter than my sister, it was just that she was missed. And I understand why my parents said this, but, it wasn't so great for me to not have my talents embraced because they might make others feel bad. (Just two examples. My childhood was mostly happy, I swear).
I don't know. What I do know is that it's time for me to outline my own expectations are and stop worrying as much about others expectations and all of their baggage.
Anyhoo. It seems like 30 is probably a good time to finally figure that seemingly basic idea out and start putting it into practice.
30 years old.
It doesn't freak me out that much. It's just interesting to think about in terms of how things have changed for me in the last year and how things are going to change for me soon.
The biggest change is getting married. Which really isn't that much of a change, because we've been together for 4 + years, so. I get some new jewelry and a tax break, very nice.
I guess part of the reason I've started to really reflect on what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going and such. So, to celebrate, I'm gonna ramble for a bit about expectations and my life and such.
In church when I was a kid, I remember people would always ask me what I wanted to be when I got older. For a while I think I said I wanted to be a teacher (before I realized how completely under seige from parents and administrators those poor bastards are). And I remember one woman at church (who we'll call Peggy--because that was her name), seemed to always be dissappointed by that answer.
"Now Joe, don't you think you could be a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or maybe you could even be President." It was a constant message from everyone, set your goals high. Or rather, we have set your goals high. And I've always been so frightened of dissappointing poeple. Not a good combination.
Fast forward two decades plus. I remember when my Dad left my Mom, I went on a spree of writing. It was great (not the Dad leaving Mom thing, that was actually rather hard, despite me being 27ish at the time, but that's another thing). I just suddenly let myself have the freedom to write down the ideas I had. I'm not sure what the connection between the two are, but I think it has something to do with starting to acept that my expectations for my parents (that they'd live together until one or both of them died) weren't realistic. And maybe I started questioning others expectations for me.
What hasn't helped me is the guilt I feel for being relatively healthy and for getting breaks I've gotten. My father and mother both have genetic flaws (for lack of a better word), that have been passed on to my brother and sister (in varying combinations), and not to me (at least thus far). For most my childhood part of going to the doctor for a checkup was going to a heart doctor and having special tests (I can't remember what test it was, thus it's a "special test") to see if we had the same condition as my mother. And I always felt guilty when mine came back clear. And I was always tracked higher in school than my brother and sister. And I remember being told that being tracked higher and taking AP classes didn't make me smarter than my sister, it was just that she was missed. And I understand why my parents said this, but, it wasn't so great for me to not have my talents embraced because they might make others feel bad. (Just two examples. My childhood was mostly happy, I swear).
I don't know. What I do know is that it's time for me to outline my own expectations are and stop worrying as much about others expectations and all of their baggage.
Anyhoo. It seems like 30 is probably a good time to finally figure that seemingly basic idea out and start putting it into practice.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Office Survival (No. 1)
I started my current job about 10 months ago. One of the most important things about starting a new job is being nice to everyone for a while, so you can figure out who are going to be your work-friends (if any) and who it is you need to avoid. This is an undertaking for me, because I'm a shy person, who speaks quietly when I'm uncomfortable or don't know people.
So, the first time I said hello to one attorney I work with, and she didn't say anything back, I thought it was because I'd spoken too quietly and she hadn't heard me. This meant I'd have to do better next time. I'd have to smile and look at her more directly and I would have to speak with a little more confidence.
She's a busy person who does a lot of traveling, so my next opportunity to say 'howdy' came a couple weeks later. I saw her coming around the corner, I inhaled, smiled and unleashed a "Hi" that was chipper without being saccharine. You see, I've worked in offices for over 7 years now, and if there's one skill that should be valued over all else, it's the morning, "hi". It's crucial. You have to say it with some vigor, but without overselling it, so that whoever you're unleashing it on doesn't think it's cool to come to your cube and talk to you about how their personal life is. You have to be friendly without being available. The perfect office greeting says I acknowledge your existence, even if I want very little to do with it. And I don't want to toot my own horn, but what I had just performed was the perfect office "hi."
Her reaction? She looked at the ground and walked by me without a hi, a wave or anything. What happened was more of a shudder. It was like I was trying to talk to a high school cheerleader and she couldn't bear the social consequences of being seen near me. I figured she was having a bad day. Attorneys are always expressing their bad days in socially awkward or rude ways. It's part of the excitement of working around them so much.
Well, the next time I showed off my perfect command of office etiquette, her reaction was worse. She forcibly rolled her eyes, though at no time during the rotation did they come close to acknowledging me. And the look of anger she made. I think she would've stabbed me if she could think of doing it in a way that didn't acknowledge I was alive.
At first I was pretty pissed that she should think she's just too good to talk to the lowly File Clerk (or whatever my title really is...but that's a whole different thing). But. It's pretty amusing that anytime I say hi to her, she's going to play high school on me.
Imagine, having to cope with the office environment like that. I almost pity her and want to teach her how to survive. But as it is, she can just expect plenty of "hi"s coming her way.
So, the first time I said hello to one attorney I work with, and she didn't say anything back, I thought it was because I'd spoken too quietly and she hadn't heard me. This meant I'd have to do better next time. I'd have to smile and look at her more directly and I would have to speak with a little more confidence.
She's a busy person who does a lot of traveling, so my next opportunity to say 'howdy' came a couple weeks later. I saw her coming around the corner, I inhaled, smiled and unleashed a "Hi" that was chipper without being saccharine. You see, I've worked in offices for over 7 years now, and if there's one skill that should be valued over all else, it's the morning, "hi". It's crucial. You have to say it with some vigor, but without overselling it, so that whoever you're unleashing it on doesn't think it's cool to come to your cube and talk to you about how their personal life is. You have to be friendly without being available. The perfect office greeting says I acknowledge your existence, even if I want very little to do with it. And I don't want to toot my own horn, but what I had just performed was the perfect office "hi."
Her reaction? She looked at the ground and walked by me without a hi, a wave or anything. What happened was more of a shudder. It was like I was trying to talk to a high school cheerleader and she couldn't bear the social consequences of being seen near me. I figured she was having a bad day. Attorneys are always expressing their bad days in socially awkward or rude ways. It's part of the excitement of working around them so much.
Well, the next time I showed off my perfect command of office etiquette, her reaction was worse. She forcibly rolled her eyes, though at no time during the rotation did they come close to acknowledging me. And the look of anger she made. I think she would've stabbed me if she could think of doing it in a way that didn't acknowledge I was alive.
At first I was pretty pissed that she should think she's just too good to talk to the lowly File Clerk (or whatever my title really is...but that's a whole different thing). But. It's pretty amusing that anytime I say hi to her, she's going to play high school on me.
Imagine, having to cope with the office environment like that. I almost pity her and want to teach her how to survive. But as it is, she can just expect plenty of "hi"s coming her way.
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