Law School Affirmation #1

I've been thinking a lot about Grinnell lately. Partially because I had my reunion a little while ago and partially because I'm going to be starting school again soon.

I remember being very frightened going to Grinnell. Confused and bewildered. When you go to college, you're facing a lot of things that are new. New people. New academic challenges. New social challenges. New pyschological challenges. Starting school is a very stressful thing. I remember going into it, I thought I was ready. I thought I was ready, but had the more than sneaking suspicion that I was not ready. And I don't know, but I think that first semester, I mostly failed. Going into Grinnell, I felt I had to be awesome from day one, but I was quickly intimidated by everyone else. It was a shock going from feeling like I was among the smartest people, as I was in high school, to feeling like I was dull and slow-witted. That's how I felt that first week of Grinnell. Everyone was so amazing. So funny. So well-equipped to deal with everything that was happening. So much more than I was.

I did poorly academically. I withdrew into myself and had trouble making new friends. And I was a mess pychologically. It's not a memory that's inspiring a lot of confidence in me as I prepare for my first semester of law school. Obviously, I'm not the same 18 year old mess I was back then. But still. I will be facing a lot of the same challenges. Only, these will be more important, because first semester grades in law school can go a long way to deterimining what sort of track you end up on. If you get poor grades, the story goes, you don't get the good internship/externship/firm placement. If you get good grades, you have a better chance of getting what you want. And being that I'm going to be a little older (or a lot older) than most of my classmates, I am going to need to do well to feel like I have a chance to do what I want. (You know, not that I know exactly what I want right now.)

So. Yeah. Feeling a little bit of stress today. Which is good, actually. I turned in my financial aid paperwork today. And my law school laptop is going to be arriving soon. So, this stress means it's all starting to feel real. And real is good. It's much better than feeling like it's all so far away. Stress I can deal with. And I have the added confidence this time. Confidence that comes from having gotten better at Grinnell. From having made great life-long friends. From being a much more grounded and well put-together person. From knowing that "quote" is a verb, and that "only vile people say 'quote'."*

And most of all, I know now that I'm not really ready. Not for everything. But I know that that's okay. I can adjust. I will have to do it quicker than I did in Grinnell, which I think I can do. But I know I don't have to be awesome from day one. Day one doesn't matter. It's where I can get myself. And I want this. Even if I don't know the exact form of "this". I'm going somewhere now. And if I do this right (and I believe I will), I will be a lot happier than I was that first semester in Grinnell.

Thank you for bearing with this stressy, self-helpy update.

*Note 1. Thank you, Ed Moore. If anyone has not heard Chaucer read in a Georgian accent, they are missing out big time.