Finally: A post not about law school...

That beautiful thing you see right there is a juicy nookie, which is a type of juicy lucy, which is the greatest revolution in hamburgers, maybe ever. Since the first couple weeks I've been here, I've heard about the juicy lucy. Which, for those of you who don't know is hamburger with melted cheese in the middle. Gorgeous.

And I had my first one last night at a place called the Nook--a local bar and grill that's gotta be a legend. Apparently there are a couple different places around the Twin Cities that do some sort of variation of this, but word is the Nook is the original. I don't know if that's true, but whatever. The Nook is a awesome. It's not a secret, so we had to wait for almost an hour before we got in on a Friday night, but it was worth it. It's a nice little place. Cozy and nice inside--great atmosphere. It's got a great local feel. I just really liked it.

Anyway, I tried the "Paul Molitor", which has pepper jack instead of the normal american cheese. I'm sure either is great, but I can say for sure, the Paul Molitor is pretty goddamned amazing. As you bite into it, you get a great taste of meat--just like any other burger. But in a second, you get a shot of cheese. Warm and awesome.

I can't do it full justice. I just can't.

I'm just saying, next time you're in St. Paul, the Nook.

Now I'm ready to grow young again...

I don't know if I'm strange or not, but I can't tell if I'm happy.

I think I am. I certainly think I should be. But, I'm just not sure if I am actually and truly happy. There's certainly a lot of plusses right now. Great wife. Really liking being in Minnesota. I'm even losing weight now, thanks to the routine I've settled in. So, yeah, things are good in a lot of ways.

But, and I'm sure this is completely expected, law school is something of an enigma. I mean, some days I come out of class feeling like I'm getting it. Like I can participate in class and really add something to the discussion. That's a great feeling. But then the next day, I will feel completely bewildered and like I'm barely keeping my head above water. And a lot of the time, I just feel really isolated. I spend so much time in the library reading, that just getting out to see and be around people is such a treat. I didn't quite expect that.

I like my classes for the most part. I am having trouble putting it together in Civil Procedure, but I think that's getting better. See, and there's something that really plays on my insecurities. I think it's getting better. I don't know. Not for sure, anyway. One of the ways everyone seems to measure whether you know what is going on is class participation. But that's hit and miss, because sometimes the professor will push you, just to see if you can make an argument back. That hasn't happened too much yet, but it's starting to now, so knowing if what you say is "right" or is just stupid drivell is not as easy as one would expect. I am putting in the time reading and I've decided I need to put more time into reviewing and start outlining, but it's all guess work. There's no way of knowing for sure if that's gonna work. You really don't know until the final exams.

And working on school six days a week for 9-10 hours a day is really tiring.

And yet. I pretty much pop out of bed in the morning at 6.20 and that feeling of dread and disappointment in where I had ended up--that's gone. Not completely, because there is still my worry that I'm gonna mess this all up somehow. But it's mostly in the back of my mind as opposed to the pit of my stomach. And that's a big difference. Huge.

And I think maybe that means I'm happy. Because I think it means there's nowhere else I'd rather be and nothing else I'd rather be doing. Well, except maybe taking something other than Civil Procedure, but really it's all small quibbles.

**************

I get my first shift at the self-help clinic tomorrow, and I'm so looking forward to it. I know I have to learn all this material to pass law school and actually be an attorney, but I'm hoping the clinic helps me remember why I want to do all that stuff.

Law School Freak Out #1...or how I learned to stop worrying and start working toward what I want

In one of the open houses I attended at Mitchell, one of the presenters, a long time professor at the college told us to think about one moment that crystalized why we want to be a lawyer. He told us his was the dramatic turn and look at a witness on the stand. He was going to point his finger...but he didn't know what he would say. But that was his moment and he thought about it when things seemed like they were rough. And so, he gave us he advice to have a moment of our own to keep in mind through the strikes and gutters of our time at Mitchell.
Well, week three is drawing to a close. And it's starting to get a little rough. In fact, last Tuesday was rougher than I was expecting it to get this early. Tuesday is one of the big reading days on my reading schedule. I only have one class in the afternoon, so I get up early and bust out my reading for both my Wednesday classes and anything else I can get to. But it's a lot of work. A lot. Not that I didn't expect it to be hard. It's just different when you're in the middle of a long day of reading, following a long week of reading and you get something back that says you're not good enough.
Which isn't exactly what happened to me, but it's how it felt. One problem I'm having with law school is that, in school, I'm used to getting a lot of feedback. And usually it's positive feedback. Law school is not like that. From what I can tell, it's mostly reading and holding yourself accountable for knowing what you're reading. Sure, you have to present cases and be ready to be questioned on those cases. That's motivating. But when class is over, no one explains to you what everything is about. No one says that your comments were really smart or that you seem to have a handle on things. You just pack up your stuff and try to get ready for the next class.
So, Tuesday. After a long day of reading my Civil Procedure (which I had spent 5 hours on Saturday, but still wasn't getting) and going to my one class. I decided I would take a grammar test. It's a requirement of our legal writing component that we pass with 90% proficiency. We were instructed not to talk to anyone else or use anything to help us, so I didn't. But, I did not pass with 90% proficiency**. Argh. So I will have to take it again and perhaps go to writing lab*. It's not a big deal, right?
But at the end of the day, after spending most the day reading alone in a quiet, still, lonely library, and without having any confirmation that I'm getting it, I freaked out. Not big-time. I didn't head right for Pizza Hutt and start flagelating myself with breadsticks. But I freaked out. Dinah did a good job calming me down, which couldn't have been easy, but honestly, it was still with me when I was going through classes yesterday. I was listening to the Civ Pro professor at 9 am, the whole time telling myself, "you have to get this. You have to. If you don't understand motions to dismiss, then you'll never be a lawyer. You'll never do anything. You'll work yourself right back into the rut." That fucking rut. I don't know if I can explain how much I don't want to get back into unthinking, easy, unrewarding work. I can't. Not that being an attorney as all good times and happiness, but it's better for me.
By the end of my last class at 3:50, I was so tired. There was a meeting at 4 for a volunteer group here that I was thinking of going to, and after some internal debate, I decided I should probably go. And, you know doubt see where this is going. I am really glad I did. The meeting was for a volunteer group on campus that specializes in getting law students to volunteer at non-profit or government agencies that need some help.
And wow. This group seems really energized and happy. And it was a great meeting, the upshot being that on Saturdays I'm going to be able to volunteer for a couple hours at the self-help clinic here in St. Paul. There's a limit on how many 1L's they let do this, so I'm pretty happy I volunteered quickly.
I don't know. These first three weeks, I've spent so much time in the library. Which is good. I'm getting through stuff. I'm understanding stuff. The library is where I need to be. But, it will be really nice to see what I'm working towards, even if I don't have the picture in my head of exactly what I'm gonna be doing.


*Note 1. Goddamn you affect/effect. Goddamn you.
**Note 2. I am making it my policy not to talk about grades. I debated about whether to mention this at all, but I decided it's okay to say whether I passed something or not. But, I will not talk about my grades on the blog. I'm also planning on not talking about them generally. I heard a horror story about someont in the last couple years here who facebooked their grades and I just think that's not going to work out well for me. So. Yeah. I will allow myself to say things like "I passed" or "I didn't pass" or "I wanted to do better". I think it's just gonna be better this way.

Week one down...

Well. The first small week of law school is over and the first full week lies ahead. So far, most everything has gone pretty well. I've been prepared for class. I've felt like I understand what has been talked about. I like my professors. Taking notes on a computer is actually easy and kind of awesome.
There are only two things that seem to be bothering me now. The first is that I am feeling more than a little out of place among the young kids who make up the most of my section. I sort of expected it, but at the same time it is a little bothersome. I have always been a quiet person and it's not always been easy for me to open up and make friends and being older makes it a little harder. Not having the same references. Not being at the same place in life. There's a number of different things that make it a little harder to get to know people. On Thursday I went to Billy's, the local bar that William Mitchell kids seem to frequent. I went as part of an event that was being thrown for a law fraternity that I am planning on joining. I was the oldest person there. Which wouldn't have been bad, I guess. But, I just couldn't get my feet underneath me in any conversation and I felt horribly out of place. It was more than a little depressing. I do think that ultimately, law school will be the more important thing and ultimatley I'll get to know people. But it's still something I worry about.
The second thing I worry about is how much I worry about things. Friday, after my last class of the day, I couldn't get my brain to stop thinking about law school. Not the subject matters as much as my reading schedule and when I'm going to get everything done. I know my worry is a function of how much I want to do well, but it's hardly a comfort. I just have to get better at relaxing and trusting the schedule I set up will get me at least most of the way to getting things done. And realize that I need the time off as much as I need the time on.
Mostly though, things are going well. And that's the important thing.

Chrome heart shining

I'm about 10 minutes from getting up from the library desk and heading up to the third floor for my first law school class. Don't worry, I will not be posting like this for every class. But I thought, this is big. Really big. Like, I'm not sure if I'm gonna throw up big.
Getting out of the rut I'd gotten myself into career-wise has been a very scary thing. Fear of failure and thoughts about what that would mean for me, for my family and for my mental well-being seem to pop out of every thought I have. Which is obviously nerve-wracking. But. It's also good. It points out why I'm doing it and why I've got to just sit my ass down and do the work.
And, I think I can do it. After a week of reading through things and reviewing and re-reviewing things, I think I've got a system that will work for me. I mean, I don't know that yet, because I haven't stepped into a classroom. But at least I have this moment of confidence, even if it's temporary and does not feel like all that much to hold onto right now.
As I was getting dressed after my shower, I turned on some music and on came Neil Young. Long May You Run. I almost started crying. Although these changes have come with your chrome heart shining in the sun, long may you run.
Perfect song for the day.

Bears did not kill me...

I emerged from the woods earlier than expected, but intact. As I mentioned in my last post, I had a bit of a cold. Unfortunately, it got worse on our trip. We spent Thursday night in a hotel in Duluth (which was planned), and it started to get better. Duluth was awesome by the way. It was cooler and so pretty. We hung out down town for a bit and drove around the city Friday night. Friday morning we went to Glensheer, which is the family estate of the Congdon family--an uber-rich family that made a ton of money in the mining industry. It was a good time.
But Friday evening and night was not kind to me. There was a dubious start to our camping trip when, on the drive into the park, I saw a baby bear (cub) on the side of the road. But, we went in, undeterred. However, it might have been the rain, which started almost immediately after we got our tent up, and dripped through the tent a bit. It might have been the smoke from the fire, which took us a lot longer to figure out how to get going than we thought it would. Or it might be the fact that the converter that would've allowed us to fill our air mattress broke. So, we "slept" on the hard ground.
Actually, I'm sure it was the "sleep". I could tough out the other things, but not sleeping just made me so sick and miserable. So, Saturday, we stuck around and spent the day in nature and left after supper.
It was for the best. I needed the sleep. I did not want to consider starting law school sick.
Which brings us to today. Classes officially start on Thursday, but today was the first day of official orientation, which is almost as scary to me. Today is the first time to meet the people in my section. And honestly, the social aspect of law school is probably just as scary to me as the studying and work aspect.
But, I have to say. So far so good. I met a couple people who seemed really nice and who are in my section. And I think it's gonna be okay.
So, yeah. I'm calmer tonight. Which is nice.

Law School Affirmation #3

I'm a little sick today. Nothing major, just a summer cold and a raw throat. Hopefully something I can get over quickly.

But it was because of this sickness I slept in this morning. So, when I finally awoke and looked at my clock, I freaked out. Noon. Holy crap. You see, any other day this summer this would not have been a big deal. I wasn't really working on anything. I was getting ready for law school, but that didn't involve getting up at any particular time. (Though I do want to say, I was usually up by 8 this summer.) Today though. I had decided today would be the day I tore the cellophane off the new books and started working on my assignments.

Ugh.

First off, I should say my brother-in-law (who is an attorney and went to law school not all that long ago) was a little weirded out when he heard I'd been given some of my law school assignments this early. He thought it was a little cruel to make us more anxious by giving us so much time to get our first assignments done. I see his point, but I think I was going to be anxious anyway, and I'm not sure knowing what needed to be done by the first day was going to make me more so.

But, he has a point. Because when I looked at the clock today, I felt my chest tighten and my heart start to race. I would say I started to sweat, but with this humidity, I was already sweating, so I can't say for sure that this had any effect on that. My plan was to start some reading before lunch, head home, eat and then finish anything else up in the afternoon. But now it was already the afternoon. So, of course, having a panic attack was the best way to go.

So I calmed myself down, fixed some lunch, took a shower and got my books together. I was at William Mitchell in by 1:30. And I've read my first assignment for Contracts on Thursday. And...I freaked out for nothing. It's not that the material is easy, but it's not some super abstract, crazy-hard to understand contract or anything. It's a text book. And it's the first chapter, so it's not like they throw you into the deep end and watch you cry.

See, here's the thing. I am somewhat prepared for some of this material. I went to paralegal school, not that long ago and was introduced to some of this stuff. Clearly not with the depth or clarity I'll need for law school, but it is helpful to have some exposure.

So, yeah, after reading through the chapter, taking notes and reviewing it, I can say, okay, this is going to be challenging, but I can do this. It reminded me of my first tour of Grinnell. The tour guide took us to Yonker Pitt where a friend of his was working on a paper for one of his seminars. The tour guide asked him how it was going and the guy said something about 15 more pages to write. I was already frightened just hearing the guy say the word seminar, but 15 pages? I had the feeling that I was not ready to do a 'seminar' and writing 15 pages seemed completely insane. Of course, we all see where that's going. I took 3 seminars at Grinnell. I wrote papers over 15 pages. And I graduated. Yay me.

But while this would lead others to look at new challenges in a different light, I felt myself having a similar reaction as the one I had when I was 18 and looking to live in a dorm room for the first time. Namely, "what the hell am I getting myself into?" and "I don't know if I can do this."

It hasn't helped that everyone talks about law school in the same way. 'You'll be really busy.' 'You won't have time to spend with your wife.' 'It's just a crazy busy time.' Clearly, I will be busy. Clearly, it will be challenging. But, I'm a smart guy. I want to be here. I want to work hard and accomplish a lot. And other people have been able to do it, so it's not like this is mission impossible. I don't know why I keep forgetting this. I don't know why I'm more comfortable doubting myself than taking a deep breath and just getting to my business.

I can do this. If I don't get killed by bears this weekend.