PS and PPS Mr. Pujols...

PS.  Thank you for not signing with the Cubs.  I didn't want to have to deal with that personal moral quandary.  And at least with the Angels, I may get to see you when you come through to play the Twins.  Though, I will root for the Twins, as I'm sure you can understand.

PPS.  Thanks for doing this the day after my birthday.  I'm sure you didn't plan it that way, but still, I appreciate it.  

Another Open Letter to Albert Pujols

Dear Mr. Pujols,
I have written you here before.  Twice in fact.  Both times I wrote you concerning your impending contract negotiations with my favorite team, the St. Louis Cardinals.  And as you probably guessed, I'm writing you now with the knowledge that you have taken a monster contract to play for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
Many people are disappointed in your decision, and I count myself among them, but for different reasons than I've seen expressed.  Many people consider this action an act of betrayal or other such notions.  I do not consider this anything like that.  I understand you are a businessman.  I understand you have to do what is best for yourself and your family, and I do not hold that against you.
Instead, I think my disappointment comes from knowing you'll hit your 500th homerun and 3,000th hit with someone else.  It's disappointing that I will no longer root for you in the same way.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish you ill (though if you had signed with the Cubs, this may not have been true).  But, I don't expect I will feel as connected to your success as I did before.  So many moments I lived vicariously through you.  That night you destroyed Brad Ligde.  That was one of the greatest playoff baseball moments of my life.  I sat there angrily watching that game, cursing Roger Clemens and the Astros.  I was so angry that they were going to advance to the World Series, mostly because I really dislike Roger Clemens.  And just as I was about to accept defeat and start thinking about next year, with the quickest flick of the bat, you changed everything.  We were alive again.  We were alive and there would be another fight.
A fight, it turns out, we wouldn't win.  But that was all right with me, because I had that moment.
And I have no doubt you will have great moments in the years to come for your new team.  When you do, I will no doubt smile.  But it won't be the same.  You're the same person, no doubt, but you're not a Cardinal anymore.  It's sort of an arbitrary distinction to root for someone based solely on what company they work for.  In any other context I'm sure this would seem foolish.  But this sort of thing is encouraged in Major League Baseball, so I guess that's reason enough for me to justify the difference.
Anyway, I've digressed.  I was writing to wish you luck. You've always seemed like such a classy player and a good guy.  I wish you nothing but the best.
Take care,
joe

A duty to one's self.

Well.  My Grandmother died.  She was 95 and had been in declining health for a number of years, so while it's sad, I'm mostly happy as I think about the great many years I got to know her.
But.  It wouldn't be my family if there was not drama developing around this.  And being my family, we've got drama coming at you in two different ways.  Drama over-achievers?  Quite possibly.
The grandmother here is my dad's mother.  And as most of you know, my mother and father divorced about 5 or so years ago.  It has not been an amicable divorce, and I've had feelings of confusion and anger in dealing with both parents.  I think my relationship with my mother is good.  My relationship with my father is less good, but probably the best it's gonna be.
Drama #1:  Before the divorce, my mother and my grandmother were pretty good friends.  Even after the divorce, my mom visited my grandmother in her nursing home on occasion.  So, naturally, my mother would like to go to the funeral.*  Which, I don't think should be a big deal.  So, she's going to drive up with my brother on Saturday, and apparently she's going to sit in the back and try to not get in the way.  But.  She and my brother don't want to tell my father she's coming.
And while I think my father shouldn't react poorly to this, I think there's a distinct possibility he will.  Or that his woman-friend will.  And who knows how my mother would react to that?  Not me.
I mean, yes, this is a funeral, so everyone should have their adult-pants and not be argumentative or what-not.  But, this is a funeral and emotions could be running high.  So, who knows?  This will be the first time my parents will be in the same room for nearly 6 years, when they were in the same courtroom finalizing the divorce.  And while my Dad repeatedly said he want to be friends at that point, I do wonder about the sincerity of that.  And whether there was a self-serving motive for those statements.
Anyway.  I've told my brother and mother that it might be wise to give Dad a heads-up, because hey, it's his mother's funeral and maybe we shouldn't give him too many surprises.  But they don't seem to want to do that.  So.  Yeah.  I'm trying to stay out of the middle of this, but man it's not easy.
Drama #2:  I can't go to the funeral.  It's too close to finals, and the way a couple of these classes feel, I want to have every chance I can to get the material down.  I told my father last night, and he sounded understanding, but I know he's disappointed.  And I kind of feel bad.  Because that's what I do.
But what underlies both of these dramas is what do I owe to my parents.  Do I owe it to my mom to not tell my dad?  Do I owe it to my dad to tell him?  Do I owe it to him to go to the funeral?
The answer I've come to is that I owe it to myself to do what I think is best for me.  It's been 6 years and this whole divorce drama is tiresome and fruitless.  And I'm not going to get anything out of it.  I've got a wife now.  I'm going to have a family of my own.  And the longer I drag around in all of this, the more damage I'm going to do to myself.  And the harder it is going to be for me to fix that.
I know I won't be able to be completely kept out of all of this, but I'm gonna do my best.

*Note 1.  I think it bears mentioning that my mother could not attend her own mother's funeral when she died about 17 years ago.  My mom had just had open-heart surgery, and so couldn't travel.  I can't imagine what not going to your own mother's funeral feels like.

Oh, and then there's this

nice article on Law.com.
Well.  That's not great news, now is it.  The best thing a story like this can do is discourage people who aren't really sure they want to be attorneys.  Me?  I'm sure this is what I want to do.  And I'm getting more and more sure every day that I am going to be really good at it.  Of course that doesn't mean there will be employment out there for me, but I'm kind of hoping it does.

The Tide is Turning...

Yay!  My wife is coming home after being away for what seems like a very, very long time.
***
As you have probably noticed from reading my posts this semester, it has been a rough start to the year.  There's been the problematic OCI process.  There's been the stress of law school, compounded by the way I formed my schedule this semester.  There's been the fact that I did not do well on the skills exercise.  It has been rough.  And it will be rough again.  But.  I think the tide has turned.
I have had two skills challenges since the poor performance mentioned in my last post.  And they have both gone very well.  I was so happy after the first one, but I was even more happy after this past one.  The first was a cross examination, which felt easier.  In a cross examination, you ask the questions in a way so that you know the answer you're going to get.  So, if you're not sure of the answer, you just don't ask the question.  And you put your questions together in a way to make your points for you.  You're doing all the heavy lifting.  On a direct, you know the answer to the questions, but you're not doing any of the work.  You're just asking questions so your witness can tell a story.  That's it.  But somehow you have to maintain control.  And that's where I get nervous.  But this last one went well.  Really well.  So good.
A lot of work went into those two exercises.  I met with a super generous professor here who gave me advice that ranged from basic (don't stand like that, stand like this) to advanced (develop your own style, but feel free to steal from others if you can make it work for you).  And it really helped.  I can't believe just changing how I stood could have such an effect on me.  And you're all thinking I'm crazy while you read this.  But it's the damned truth.  I had been standing two hands on the podium, facing down the judge and witness and holding on for dear life.  But the professor mentioned that he liked to stand with one hand on the podium and use it as sort of an anchor.  And BAM!  As soon as I tried, I felt so much more comfortable.  It corrected my posture and my footwork.  I was able to move, but it was much less noticeable.  Plus I just felt more comfortable.  It was natural.  A lot of my fidgeting went away and that solved a lot of my self-consciousness.
In addition to the meeting, I made a couple other changes.  I outlined my presentation instead of scripting it providing much needed flexibility and trusting in my ability to know what I needed to get.  And I started thinking of it as a presentation.  Because that's what it is.  It's storytelling.  A cousin of theater.  And I'm just a performer trying to make a point for my client.
After this past one, I felt so much better.  Like I know how to do this.  Not at an expert level, but I've got the basics and I want to keep getting better.  And being able to do it twice in a row felt so good.
***
Things are going to be busy for a little bit here.  I've got a midterm coming up, then an application for a moot court, then an application for a campus thing.  And that's on top of a pretty heavy reading load this week.  But that's not feeling quite as bad as I think it would have earlier in the year.
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but my head seems to have cleared.  And I'm focused in a way that I was most of last year.  I'm still thinking about what I want to take next semester, and considering what I'm going to do with my summer, but I'm pretty confident that I can get it all figured out.  I'm not exactly sure when, but sometime soonish.  I'm in my rhythm.  And it's gonna be best for me if I can ride this out for a bit.
***
The Cardinals are playing game 6 tonight.  I'm really hopeful that they can extend the series to 7 games and then win.
But even should that not happen, I have to say this has been a wonderful post-season.  Much more than I expected or could have asked for.  It's been a nice reprieve from the thoughts of doubt that had been dominating my mind, and honestly probably a big reason I feel so much better.
I know sports shouldn't matter so much that they can determine your mood, and I certainly don't get down as much after a loss as I used to.  But I like that like them winning means something to me.  This year has made me question a lot about where I'm going, what I'm doing, whether I can do it, and especially who I am.  Baseball sometimes reminds me of who I am.
It's not rational.  But it's no less true.
During Albert Pujols' magical Game 3, I was just Joe again.  I wasn't a law student worried about my next exam, or my skills challenges.  I was me, not weighed down with all of it.  It was all there, but I didn't feel the weight of it for a little while.  And then when I did feel the burden of all the things I needed to get done, they weren't as heavy.  It's not rational.  But it's beautiful.

Voices and Vision, Or picking myself up.

Last year I talked myself out of being frightened.  I talked myself out of listening to the part of me that told me I can't do things, and I just did them.  I just put my nose down and worked hard.  Last year was a good year.  But it was easier then.  I know the first year of law school is said to be the toughest and in some ways it is.  But because it's so tough, you focus on it.  You don't raise your head and look around and see everything.  Or at least I didn't.  And I was stronger because of it.
This year, on the other hand, I've had my head up.  This year sort of demands that.  On Campus Interviewing was the first "welcome back", and as I've detailed, that has been a rough process.*  And it threw me off.  I have never liked interviewing and that's probably because I'm not terribly good at it, but this was more than that.  If I was (am) able to land with a firm, I could start planning.  My wife and I would be able to start making concrete plans about our life.  We could know for sure where we would live; when we would have kids; and we could see it.  That last one is the important part--we could see it.  And that's one of the biggest pluses of OCI, yes, you're a couple years away, but this is what your life could be.  It's tantalizing.  And part of the regret I have about not doing better is that I have lost that vision.
And having lost it, I feel a little rudderless.  Despite that nothing changed, it feels like everything changed.  I suddenly don't know where I'm going.  The voices I was able to block out last year are not getting blocked this year.
*****
Vision is a really dangerous thing.  Last night I participated in a mock direct-examination.  Basically, I was to act like a prosecutor questioning his star witness.  And I had visions of me, some years from now, examining a witness.  Confidently asking questions.  Probing for all the good details and having the witness say everything that would make the case.
But this is not how it played out.  I was nervous.  I was fidgety.  I was not confident.  I was bad.  And the lawyers who evaluated me pointed this out.  And then I got to watch the video of me and see that everything they said was spot on.  Having to watch myself on video has never been something I have enjoyed.  I don't like the sound of my voice.  I think I kind of look funny.  But it's much worse when you've been told, here's what you did wrong, and you get to watch yourself do them wrong.  I sat there, eyes trying unsuccessfully not to look at it, but there it was.  I couldn't change it.  I just had to watch me motion with my pen again, and think, "Stop doing that.  Jesus, will you stop doing that?  Please don't look so stupid.  Please just stop being so bad.  Stop being...you."
The voices that I was able to block out last year...they were there.  Honestly they've been with since OCI.  And I need to get my head together enough to focus back in.  I can't keep going on like this.
*****
Over the summer I was talking with one of my coworkers and he we started talking about how law school changes you.  We were chatting with another intern who was just about to head off to law school and she dismissed it, but my coworker and I were adamant.  Law school changes you.  It does.
But it's hard to put a finger on how it changes you.  Or it's hard for me to see how it's changed me at this point.  But I know I'm different.  And I think this is part of my problem now.**  Because that's what all of the criticism has been in my exercises.  That's been my problem with OCI.  I don't know how to interact with people in these situations.  And I'm grasping, because I'm not confident enough in myself.  And that makes everyone else less comfortable.
Yeah.  So I guess that's where I'm at right now.  I've got to pull it together.  And I will.  It's been a rough stretch, but this gets better.  That's my story--this gets better.  I'm just going to have to work harder at blocking out the hangover of the early failures.  And I'm going to have to work harder at believing I can do this.  And I'm going to need to ask for help.  Because there's a lot more opportunities ahead for me to show that I can do this.  And I can do this.  I can and I will.
That's right.  I'm doubling down.

*Note 1.  I still have one firm that may want to talk to me, and I'm really hopeful that will work out.  Hopeful, but not sure.  I mean, I was turned down by 16 other firms, so it's hard to hold out hope given that a lot of what I presented to each firm was the same information.
**Note 2.  Why yes, I will turn this into an existential thing, thank you very much.

Into the Great Wide Open

It's hard being tuned down.  We all know this.  We've all been dumped.  And at the time, it feels like the worst thing.  It feels like someone just shredded you in front of the whole world.  Like they took a bullhorn and announced to anyone paying attention that you are worth so little that they don't want to spend any time with you again.  And they know they're never going to regret that decision.  And there's nothing you can do about it.  I mean, you could try to dislike them, but you know it's an act.  Or maybe it's not an act and you really do dislike them, but still you only dislike them because they disliked you first.  And that's never very satisfying.  So you're stuck for what feels like an eternity trying to get over them.  It stings for a while, man, don't I know it stings for a while.
And then one day, you look back at everything that happens, and you shrug.  Okay, so that happened.
So, you're reading this post and thinking, "why the long metaphor?"  Basically, this is the process I have been going through with OCI.  I mean, I never disliked the firms who passed on me, but I definitely said, "Well I don't want to work there anyway."  Yes.  I am that mature.
But my point is, I think I've reached the shrug phase.  Which is good to do now, because I'm not even through with the process.  A lot of firms have turned me down.  And a lot more are going to be given the opportunity to turn me down in the future, at least three firms are still holding my resume with an unknown degree of interest in me.  If they pass, they don't mean anything personal by it*.  I think I would be a good addition to a lot of firms around here, including the ones who passed on me.  That's probably not going to change.  It probably cannot change if I want to get a job, because things are a little rough out there.  And no one else is going to tell them how good I am.
I met with my career counselor today and had a good talk.  I think part of what worried me about missing on so many firms is that I don't know what comes next.  And, well, it is less defined.  The OCI process is nice because it is a process.  Not a process that is really tailored to my strengths**, but it has a tangible structure.  If it doesn't work out, well, there's no process.  Basically, you try to make connections and network.  You try to find people who will talk with you and hope you impress them and that it leads somewhere.  Not necessarily a job, maybe just a good piece of advice or some insight into what might be a better approach, or a better field for you.  In short, you work for it.
And if that's where I'm at, then that's fine.  I can work.  And really, since there is no process, I have a much better chance of putting myself in a situation where I can impress someone.  And I have a lot more options of firms to chase down.  It's wide open, and that's frightening, because there's not a well-worn path.  But that also means if I work it right, I could end up just about anywhere.  So, I'm holding out some hope for the OCI process, but I think I'll be okay if it doesn't work out.
And that confidence has been missed these first three weeks of school.

*Note 1.  Unlike the girl who broke up with me at prom.  She said she didn't mean anything personal by it, but...um...it was my prom.  And she broke up with me mid-dance.  That's a personal slight per se.  (I use latin to back up my points...it makes me a good attorney.)
**Note 2.  It's so hard to impress someone in 20 minutes.  I mean, it takes someone 35-45 minutes from meeting me to decide I am not pure evil.  In 20 minutes they're still trying to decide if hitting me pre-emptively would be considered self defense.

OCI and my ego...

Law school has started much the way it did last year.  I mean for all the confidence I have just from having gone through this before and having done well, I feel like there's enough change that it's been hard for me to protect that confidence.  This is largely due to my participation in the on-campus interview process.
I think I've mentioned OCI before, but it's basically where law firms (mostly) interview law students for summer associate positions after their 2L year.  Then if the law student does well, the firm will offer them a job for after graduation, and if the law student likes the firm, they accept.  It's a really good deal for everyone.  Which is only one reason why it is hard to get right now.*
But, I did pretty well last year, and I decided to submit my resume and whatever other materials to 15 firms around the Twin Cities.  Why 15 firms?  Well, that was the limit imposed on us by our school, and frankly, because I couldn't imagine submitting any more resumes at one time.
I heard back from 3 firms.  Well, no.  I heard from all of them, but only 3 wanted to interview me.  Which was really deflating.  I mean, I didn't grade into the top 10% of my class, which (you know) would look really good on my resume.  But I did well.  And I have legal experience..and whatever.  This really isn't the place to tell the world I'm worthy of a job at one of these firms.  This is the place where I just say how getting 12 rejections in a short period of time doesn't feel good.
But 3 firms said yes.  And that's good.  That's something.  I've met with two of them thus far and I feel like those interviews went well.  I answered questions well.  I was genuinely excited about the firms, and hopefully they picked up on that.  Hopefully I came off as mature and interesting.  Hopefully I seemed smart and they saw from my resume or cover letter or writing sample, or whatever I gave them, that I am a good writer and that I can express myself clearly.  Hopefully.  But that's a lot of hopefully.  Especially when they're looking for a small number of clerks and interviewing a large number of students from more than a few different law schools.
In short, it's a really competitive process.  Which I knew, but not quite with the same perspective.  For example, today I was reading for a class I have tomorrow, when I noticed a lot of my classmates dressed up very well.  And it hit me, these are the people who got interviews I didn't.  These are the people who, according to some firm's standard, are better than me.  And on the one hand, it makes me feel bad about myself.  These people are getting an opportunity that I really wanted.  But on the other hand, it just makes me question what the firms were looking for.  Was it just grades?  Was it law review?  Was it some combination?  I don't know.  And ultimately, it I'm never going to know.  I'm looking at 12 different firms who made their decisions based on a myriad of factors and each probably balanced them in their own way.  So.  Yeah.  It is what it is.
But, here's my secret in all of this:  I don't think the law firms got it right.  I think many of my classmates will be exceptional lawyers, and I wish to take nothing away from their accomplishments.  But I know I will work to be a great attorney.  And I know if I'm in the right environment, I will succeed.
In many ways, law school has drawn out the competitive person inside me.  And I have not been completely sure about how to deal with it.  I mean I'm never going to be cut-throat.  I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna hide someone's books or what-have-you.  But, I want to do well.  I want to earn the opportunities that others don't get.  And for the most part, I feel like I have been earning them.  If not in this particular situation, then certainly in others.
But yeah.  It does not feel good to feel like I'm missing out on some really good opportunities.

*Note 1.  The other big reason is the economy.  Suck.

I am not a number. I am a free man.

I move that we stop calling grades in law school "grades".  It's a term that is technically correct, but what is important about them--their essence--is how they translate into numbers.  And as such we should just call them that--"numbers".  Not to sound synical or bitter, because I'm actually happy with my numbers. 

It's just that now we've entered the beginning of the On Campus Interview ("OCI") part of the law school process.  For those not familiar, the OCI is where law firms come on campus and interview students (mostly 2L's) and hire them for the following summer.  The students and the firms use that summer to sort of get a feel for each other and if both sides feel like it's a match, they are in a good position for employment after the third year of law school.  Both sides win.  But at the beginning of the process (right now for me), it is very daunting.  And it feels like one of the biggest factors in getting an interview with any firm is your numbers--your GPA, class rank, and whether you're in the top 10%, 20%, 25%, or what-have-you-%.  And it's hard to not think that a lot of the grading process is there to put people in order of most likely to be hired to least likely. 

Maybe that's a synical way to think of things, but that's how it feels sometimes.  But there is more to me than my numbers.  I hope I can make that pretty clear from my resume and cover letter.  We'll see, I guess. 

The sad truth of it is that I should get used to it.  If I get hired to a firm, I will likely have to account for my time through billable hours, which will go a long way in determining whether I get a bonus, whether I'm on track to become a partner, and probably other things that I'm not thinking about at the moment.  And if I don't go the firm route, there's still caseload requirements and other numbers that account for your productivity and success in cases.  So, it's not like this is a law firm "problem".

What's going to be key for me is not letting the numbers mean more than they should. 

****

Speaking of numbers, can we talk about what sabermetrics has done to the game of softball? 

I play in a softball league on Tuesday nights.  This league is sponsored by the Bar Association, so it's played mostly be attorneys and folks who work in the legal field.  Many of these players are young and like sports.  In other words, young people who work in an industry that closely examines rules and procedures and figure out the most advantageous way to work within those rules and proceudures.  Introduce sabermetrics and its appreciation of the value of a walk and you have chaos.  People saying things like, "Walks as good as a hit."  I mean, yes, that's true, but a walk isn't as fun as a hit.  And it's way less sporting when you're playing people who aren't professional ballplayers. 

Look, I'm a por-sabermetrics guy.  I love me some WAR and ERA+, and the many other numbers they've come up with to measure the effectiveness of professional baseball players.  But, seriously, walks have no place in a recreational game of softball.  Get up there and swing people.

Unless they're really bad pitches...which happens, I guess. 

****

I've continued posting the gumshoe stories at this blog.  I'm up through what was part X.  Thanks if you have been re-reading these, or reading them for the first time.  I really do appreciate it.
****

Strikes and Gutters man.

It has been a while since I've given a substantive update, but honestly there's probably not a lot to catch you up on. 
Gumshoe #3 and #4 are both up at the new blog.  The editing of the old story is going pretty well.  I'm not changing much of the story, just some things I find that don't quite fit or don't work.  Mostly, I'm adding material now that I know exactly where I'm heading.  I really liked the way I did it the first time, because at some points I would just decide to go a different way and make a sudden change.  That kept it interesting for me, but it may have come at the price of not being as coherent and understandable as I would've hoped for.  Anyway, I think I'm fixing a lot of that now.  AND, I'm working on the second story now.  I'm writing it up in much the same way as I did the first, but without subjecting the reader to the less coherent part.  The second story will likely be smaller than the first, but I'm liking the way it's reading and the story I think I'm telling.  We'll see.
****
I did not make law review, which I am surprised and disappointed by.  I really thought I wrote a great note and I did the best I could with the citations, which are admittedly not my favorite thing in the world.  It turns out it wasn't good enough.  That's been tough to accept. 
This 1L year has been a real test for me in a lot of ways, as I'm sure you could surmise from reading any number of posts here.  My confidence in my ability to write, to think, to learn, to communicate, and to belong all felt as though they were under attack at different points of the year.  Some days I felt certain I knew what I was doing and where I was going, but many more days I felt like I had no idea if I could do what was expected of me.  I worried about keeping my scholarship, of making friends, of not looking like a fool or a gunner, and mostly of failing.  See, for a long time I worked in an office doing stuff I knew I could do--stuff I didn't have to try that hard to stay on top of.  But law school, and being an attorney, it's different.  I think I can do this.  I think I can even do this well.  But, I don't know that for sure.  And every day in law school felt like I had to tell myself that I could do it, even when most days I didn't quite believe that.  By the end I was tired and, while I never questioned whether this is where I want to be, I did wonder if I would be able to get charged up for next year.
But now that the grades are in and this law review test is over, it's done.  The 1L year is completely over.  And while I consider it a positive experience, I'm happy it's over.  I'm ready to start working on the things I came to law school for.  And the first thing on that list is my student certification.*  I talked to the people at school and found out they are sending my materials to the Minnesota Supreme Court to get approval, which I'm hoping happens in 8 days or less (you know to avoid the state shutdown).  My clerkship has been a really interesting time, but one of the biggest plusses it has going for it is the ability to work as a certified student attorney.  Now, that doesn't mean my doubts go away, of course.  I'm not naive enough to think that just because I am called a 2L instead of a 1L means I have settled all the doubts this past year raised and magnified.
But something did change.  I made it through a year of this.  I can do it.  And I think after getting some hands-on experience this summer, I feel like I can do this well.  It's not quite like knowing I can do it, because there's always going to be a challenge to this.  There's always going to be another test in one form or another.  But that's exactly why I'm here. 
My batteries aren't quite recharged and ready for another year, but I know for sure they will be.
I know expressing self-satisfaction on the internet is a dangerous thing and it opens you up to mockery, but I have to say, I'm really proud of myself.  I took on a challenge here and I've given it a really good effort.  And I have done better than I would've guessed (which isn't always better than I expect, oddly enough). 
****
Family.  Ugh.  Father's Day had not been a fun time of year for me since my dad decided to leave my mom a few years back.  Honestly, it's been enough years that I really should be over this, but I am not.  It doesn't help that my dad and I cannot talk about the way things went down.  It seems that part of my agreeing not to be estranged was agreeing that we would act as if nothing happened.  Which is uncomofortable.
And which really hiders our relationship from being anything more than a facade.  Mostly I think it's better than not talking to him, or openly arguing with him.  But more than that, I just wish we could have a good relationship.  It would be nice. 
I remember right after my parents split up, I went to a psychiatrist.  And after Father's Day of that year, I went in for our scheduled appointment and complained about the crappiness between my father and I.  I think I said something about how it seemed like everyone got to have a good relationship and I got this.  And he just asked me what I thought he'd been hearing from the rest of his patients all day. 
Yeah.  Perpective is a nice thing.
****

*Note 1.  For those who might not be familiar, a lot of states, Minnesota included, allow law students who have certain minimum standard grades and credits to work under the supervision of licensed attorneys.  This means the students can appear in front of a court, draft and sign breifs to the court, and such. 

Second Installment of the Gumshoe is up...

And here's the link to prove it.

Gumshoe Blog is up!

That's right, as I mentioned last post, I've got a new blog devoted to the Gumshoe stories. I will continue to post links here and I'll put them on facebook.
The first posts will be the original story that is still available here, BUT with more content--and better grammar and spelling! Can't beat that deal.

Just a couple thoughts....an announcment (that's not terribly exciting) and some pondering

I didn't mean to go so long without posting, but it's been a busy time. But when I've gone this long without posting, you know what that means--mega-post.

All right, first. I joined facebook. I know, I know. Everyone's first reaction is, what does that mean for everything here at wheresthetrashcan? Well, it means nothing, really. I intend to keep blogging, because while I've enjoyed my first few days of facebook, I think it's not going to allow me the comfort to express myself as fully as I've enjoyed here.

And in case you thought joining facebook would mean less blogging, I'm here to say I think it might mean more blogging. In fact, I'm going to start working on a new blog just for my Gumshoe stories. And I'm going to link that blog to facebook (somehow) so it can reach a wider audience (maybe). I will continue to post Gumshoe stories (or possibly just links to the other blog) here.

Immediately, there won't be any new stories, as I am going to work on re-editing the completed story and putting it up on the new blog. I don't think I'll make any big changes, but it seems like a good time to make the story a little stronger and hopefully enjoyable for anyone who might want to read it for a second time.

****

School ended, and I didn't say much about it. This was partly because I didn't want to think about it right after and partly because I didn't know how to sum it all up. Still not sure I've got a handle on what that year meant. But oddly enough, working on law review has helped put the first year in perspective. Obviously, I would've had fits if I tried to do this a year ago. But more than just giving me the tools to do this, I have found myself enjoying it. Well, not at first. At first I was overwhelmed and overmatched. But after taking a breath and looking over the helpful material they gave us again, I developed a plan. I don't know if I'll get on, as it is really competitive, but I have a good feeling. Either way, at least I'm liking what I'm writing.

Staying on the topic of school, I won't get my grades until about halfway through June. At the earliest. In theory, I should be a little irked about this, but in practice, I do not want to think about my grades. I have been thinking about the curve and where I fit in with it for a very long time. Now, it's all out of my hands and while I am curious bout how I did, at this point it's a detached curiousity. I'm sure as the date of their release draws closer, my detachment will leave me, but now I get to enjoy just being done.

One Test left...

In less than an hour I start my last test of my 1L year. I'm nervous about this one, because it's a contracts exam, which you may remember was a bit of an ordeal last semester. But other than a little cold, I think I'm in good shape to take this exam.
Mostly I can't stop thinking about that moment when I hand in my exam and I'm done with this year. I've been waiting and working for that moment for a long time. So, it'll probably be a bit of a disappointment when the law school doesn't shoot off fireworks and send out a marching band. But, I've worked so hard this year. So hard. And it will soon be over. Wow.
Sorry. This isn't a deep or particularly thoughtful post, I guess. But seriously. Wow.

Just checking in...

I'm sitting here in the lounge at Mitchell studying for my second final exam (out of four). In a week I'll be done and have a summer to regroup and do some more practical learning, which is where my mind has been continually wandering the last couple of days. I'm very excited to be done with this year and start my summer clerkship.
But nothing can match the excitement taking place in the room next to mine. In there are a bunch of students who will be graduating from law school in the next couple of weeks. They're picking up and trying on their caps and gowns. I've seen many of the faces before, but this is the first time I think I've seen any of them this gleeful. Not just smiles in this room, but belly laughs and hand shakes. These are some happy people.
And that's just two years away for me. Two years and this set of final exams. And I gotta say, the caps we get look awesome!

Just around the corner to the light of day...

1 class left, tomorrow. Then a little time for review and then finals. It's amazing to think this year is ending. I've been in review for finals mode for a little over a week, but mostly without the complete realization that I actually have to take these tests. I've been putting in work and making sure I'm getting things in order, but there has been very little stress about it. In my mind they were still so far away that it was not time to panic--that will come in time, I'm sure.
Instead, this last week was spent worrying about my writing class, next year's schedule, and how I'm viewed by my fellow law students. As I think I mentioned in my last post, the only thing left for my writing class was giving "oral arguments" on my "motion" last Tuesday. Originally, I wasn't overly worried about it. I had an outline of points to cover and was ready for some questions I thought I would be asked. But at the last minute, I came down with a case of the worries and decided I should freak out about it, and three hours standing in front of a mirror giving my presentation. I think this probably helped my presentation, but the whole time I was doing it I was filled with a feeling of panic. It's partially because the writing class is, well, a writing class, which didn't emphasize the oral presentation stuff all the much, so I was not well-practiced. In addition, I think that feeling of panic also came from my self-imposed pressure to be good at this particular skill. This is what lawyers in the field I want to join do.
But I think I was also a little surprised that after a year of law school, I didn't feel more prepared or confident or something. Not that I blame the school or my professors or anything. I think last year, I just assumed I'd be more confident after a year of law school. More on this in a minute.
And also as I mentioned in my last post, I registered for 14 credits next semester--most of them meeting on Monday and Wednesday. And I'm going to try to write on to law review--notoriously time-consuming. And I'm going to be on the board of one student organization. And I'm working with a group of students to start a learning community for 1L's interested in public interest law. And I'm going to want to volunteer next semester. I keep telling myself this is all very doable, but when I list it out I start to feel a little panicky. I did a good job this year taking on some added challenges without killing myself. It just took some planning and discipline in sticking with my reading schedule. Next year can be just the same, right?
One of the cruelest tricks the writing class over-professors* pulled this year was the implementation of a peer-rating system. This is apparently the first year they have done this. The way it worked was every student was given a list of the students in our writing class--10 students for my section. And for every student, we were asked to assign a number from 1 to 5. It wasn't exactly clear what we were supposed to base our judgments on, but 5 was good and 1 was bad. The reason they told us for implementing this was to show us the importance of our reputation**--after all, our classmates would be the people who would be likely to refer us work and this was vital to our success beyond law school. Now, I did "well" on this, for whatever that means (and I don't think it means much). But lately, this concern about how other students see me has crept up on me. It's been there all year, but mostly I've managed to put it aside after I messed something up, or even if I did well. I've been able to keep on track and concentrate on trying to understand the material. But law school is a social place. Everyone is spending a lot of alone time with their books and notes, and we need to be social or they'll go batty. So, I guess I've put heightened pressure on myself to be more social, and with pretty good results, actually. But that heightened pressure has really made me uncomfortable. I'm not bad at being social, until I put a lot of pressure on myself--then I'm just nervous and awkward.
So, as I prepare to hit the reading days, I'm gonna do it with some calmness. Because this is a happy time. The sun is shining, and the grass is now decidedly green here. I've got four finals, all of which I can do well on. And then four magically days where I have no assignments before I do law review. And then my clerkship. Yes. This is definitely a happy time.

*Note 1. I say 'over-professors', because there are sort of two levels of professors for this class. There's the ones who lead classes and grade your writing. I really liked these professors, but they don't really have any control over the curriculum. The second level, the over-professors, do. They make the syllabus, pick the books and decide what the assignments will be.
**Note 2. Because law school students don't already feel the pressure of impressing the rest of the class, or, at the very least, not making a fool of ourselves. Ridiculous. And honestly, what do these numbers mean? What happens if my number went down? What happens if they went up? Did I do something or is it just someone put down a different number for an arbitrary reason?

Wrapping up.

It's a gray day in St. Paul. It snowed last night, but luckily the temperatures have risen into the forties and melted all of the accumulation away. The grass is starting to turn green, despite the low temps and the lack of sunlight.

And it is on this sullen day that the bright light has beamed down on me, because today I have finished my reading for Contracts, Torts, and (very importantly) Civil Procedure. I must pause now to hear the songs of angels and to sop away the tears that are filling my face.

...

Now that I'm a little more together, I have to qualify that previous statement that I am done with my reading for those classes--I am going to be a lawyer, so qualifying things is sort of what I'm gonna do. I am done reading those for the first time. In putting together my outlines and studying, I will undoubtedly have to read some parts, or possibly all (I'm looking at you Civil Procedure) of them again. But damn if it don't feel good to be through with the first read.

You've probably noticed that I took five classes and am done with only three. Well, my writing class had its final paper due last Tuesday, and all that's left for that class is a simulated hearing where I present my "motion". Still something to worry about and prepare for, but the heavy lifting for that is done. That leaves Property, which I left for last because it's going to be discussed later, and because I am enjoying the readings a lot right now.

Anyway, to sum up, I've got one week left of classes. Almost a week of reading time after that. And then I have two weeks of exams. Then four days off. Then law review write-on starts. Then I start my clerkship. And then I'm back here for my second year.

Speaking of which, this week was also registration. I pretty much got the classes I expected I'd be able to get. But immediately following registration I had this feeling of doubt about whether I'm taking on too much. You see, I've registered for 14 credits (but it's a "hard 14" from what I've heard about a couple of the classes) and I'm hoping to get on to law review. Plus I've run for a couple of positions on student organizations and I definitely want to volunteer again next year. Oh, and let's not forget that I somehow managed to bunch five hours of class on both Mondays and Wednesdays for first semester, which is either a stroke of genius, a stroke of luck, or a stroke-inducing blunder. So, yeah. Throw on top of this that everyone has decided now is the time to reveal that 2L is wayyyy harder than 1L, and I'm just a tad worried.

But worry is for later. Right now, I get to feel good about finishing things up.

Just wait in that corner until that breeze blows in...

As you might expect, the last couple of weeks have been really rough. We're hitting the home stretch and, with finals around the corner, there's a lot of work to be done. Outlines need to be made. Reading needs to be done. Schedules need to be figured out for next semester. Memos need to be written. And what's more, the stress level seems to have been kicked up a level, because of finals and because of Professors telling us that this year was hard, but that next year will be harder. With all of that going on, you can believe me when I tell you that I've been running on fumes, which isn't the best sign considering there's 2 weeks of classes and finals left.

At the beginning of this week, I had decided I was just going to have to put my head down and hope that a second wind kicks in. But I was not hopeful. And Monday morning, when I was put "on-call" for a contracts case, I felt weary. You see, our Contract professor has a system where she names "co-counsel" for class who have to answer most of the questions about the case or problem we're going to deal with. It's a nice middle ground between cold-calling and the predictability of being told exactly what cases you're responsible for. Still, when you see your name hit the board, your heart drops a bit. But, as luck would have it, I was down on the list and me and the guy in front of me got held over with 1 case left.

So Wednesday, he and I would have to team present this case together. Which is pretty common for the big cases, like this one. Tuesday night, I read the case over and checked my notes. I was ready for that case. I knew that case. I was confident that she could ask me anything about that case and I would know the answer or where to look for it, so that I could come up with a response quickly. Which of course meant that on Wednesday, the guy in front of me had to present that case on his own. I was to get another case.

And you know what? I hit that damned thing out of the park.

They've been telling us this semester was the semester where we would start "feeling like attorneys", and I did not believe them. What does it mean to feel like an attorney? But, you know what? As I was presenting that case, I felt like I knew what I was doing. I knew what was important about this case and what wasn't. And I came across like I knew what I was doing, which doesn't always happen when you do know what's going on. So, I guess that's what it feels like to be an attorney.

But more important than that, is I got a big win. Right when I needed it. I know it's tempting fate to say this, but I think I've got my second wind. And that's good, because it's gonna take a lot of effort to get through finals.

****

But it doesn't end there for me. About four days after finals end for me, I'm going to attempt to write-on to law review, which I've been told is a harrowing experience. Mitchell gives us three weeks to do it, partially to accommodate people who have full-time jobs or clerkships that begin right away. But, I think they also give us three weeks because it's hard. Really hard. I don't know much about this yet, as I haven't asked too many questions, but there's an information session next week and I'll get it figured out then.

Also next week, I get to register for my classes for next semester. Which I am so excited about. I think I've got it all planned out. It mostly pivots on whether I can get into a section of Criminal Procedure that is rumored to be terribly hard to get into, because the professor is awesome. So, we'll see. But, even if I don't get into that section, I'm excited by some of the other classes I'm looking at. I'm mostly going to take some required classes, but they look interesting. If nothing else, they will be different, and they'll lead me to be able to take other classes the semester after that.

To sum up--things are good now. I'm working hard, but it doesn't feel like drudgery. It may descend back into drudgery, but if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that when I feel good, I should just enjoy it. There's always something around the corner that could take it away--usually that something is Civil Procedure.

Clerkship ahoy!

Last Monday (the 7th), I was scheduled to have an interview with an agency I really, really want to work for over the summer. It's a great organization and they do great work. And it happens to be the kind of work I want to do when I get out of law school.

I found out about this interview about a week and a half before then and scheduled it for this day because it was right after spring break and I wanted to make sure I had a chance to get a mock interview and prepare myself. I was really nervous about it. But on that Monday, the plan was to go to Torts, learn some Torts, leave Torts, get in the car, blow away my interviewer with my charm and/or wit, and get back to school in time for Contracts. The hardest part in the plan seemed to be blowing away the interviewer. As I got in the car and found that it would not start* that Monday morning, I came to the extremely frustrating conclusion that getting there was just as hard, and that the world hates me.

I quickly called the place and rescheduled for Friday (the 11th). The car got fixed and I spent the rest of the week pushing through my school work and trying not to freak out about what conclusion anyone would draw from an excuse as lame as "car trouble". I did this with less success than I would have hoped.

But, Friday arrived and a new plan was in place. Go to property, learn some property, leave property, eat lunch, go home, put on my suit, get in the car, pray that the car would start, start car, begin driving before the car changes its mind, get to the interview and blow the interviewer away with my charm and/or wit. This was a good plan and I was now taking no part of it for granted. And, luckily for me, I arrived at the interview without any problems.

And then....well, I don't think I blew him away with my charm and/or wit. In fact, I was somewhat sure I didn't blow him away at all. See, I had prepared with a mock interview and been ready for all those questions I hate,** but he didn't ask any of those questions. I had prepared for the other questions, but I was always waiting for the other questions. And I'm pretty sure I came off pretty awkwardly.

So, at the end when he asked me to think about things over the weekend and email him by the middle of this week to tell him if I really wanted to do this, I was confused and depressed. I couldn't have done so badly as to make him think I didn't want to be there. Could I? I told him right then that this was where I wanted to be, but he insisted on an email. So, I left and immediately started to think about everything I must have done wrong. And the way my brain works, I came up with dozens of things I should have done better. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get this clerkship.

But then, he started calling my references. And, long story short, I got this clerkship, and now I can concentrate on just finishing out the rest of my first year. Which is good, because I have a feeling this is going to be a rough finish. More on that later, now I'm just going to try to enjoy a moment of success. And go to property. I have to go to property.

*Note 1. I am generally not someone who hates inanimate objects, for obvious reasons. They don't mean to not do waht you want, and even when they do, they don't care that you hate them. It's mostly a losing game. On this day and the days after though, I hated that car. And I began looking forward to the (somewhat upcoming) day we replace that car.

**Note 2. What's my biggest weakness? Well, it's probably talking about my biggest weakness. Which isn't good for me, because I also feel awkward telling people what my greatest strengths are. I think it's my upbringing, but I just don't like bragging about myself all that much. Which I know is what people are supposed to be doing in a job interview. So, yeah.

Spring Break pep talk to myself, and lawyers are good, mother.

I am 75% of the way through my first year of law school. That blows my mind. I still feel like that confused, timid guy who walked in here in August hoping that I had made the right choice about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I guess I still am confused and timid guy sometimes, but I think I'm less so. Mostly right now I'm tired, but I'm definitely not worried about this being the right choice.
You see, the supervisor of the skills course I'm in has said three or four times this semster, that this is the semester that 1Ls at Mitchell start to feel like attorneys. And she said she was happy to be a part of that. This is the skills course that's had me negotiating contracts, and for which I'll be giving an oral argument at the end of the semester. So, when she made the statement, she was referring to that. And, I don't know, maybe that will make me feel like a lawyer. I'm gonna try to leave that door open.
But what I do know is that I have already been getting what I want out of law school--I'm already feeling helpful. I'm helping people right now, every week. I get to come in every Saturday and talk with people about their problems and help them with paperwork that can be overwhelmint. I get to help them fram their questions for attorneys and make sure they understand what's the attorney's saying. Some weeks (including this one), it's hard to remember what I'm doing here. I can get inundated with trying to remember every detail of Contracts and Civil Procedure, both of which are important beyond the grade I'm trying to get. But in that quest for detail, I sometimes lose sight of why the detail is important. Why do I need to know about personal jurisdiction? It's not because Professor Janus is going to test me on it--I mean, he did test me on it Thursday. But that's the immediate, and frankly, small concern. I need to know about personal jurisdiction because one day I may want to help a client with a problem, and the help could hinge on the court's lack of personal jurisdiction. Who knows?
That's what I need to keep in mind.
And I need to keep it foremost in my mind, because I am really tired right now. Just emotionally exhausted. And the secret of Spring Break is there's not really that much time off. It's a week in name, but I haven't been outlining all the way along (like I said I would), so I've got to get that caught up. And because of midterms, I haven't been able to start next week's reading like I normally would. So, I'm off my reading schedule. This all means, I'm working half of the upcoming week to get everything back together, so that the next half of the semester, I can march through this with a little more organization and happiness. I wasn't ready for this semester to be so much busier than last semester. I worked really hard, but I never felt I got myself into a good rhythem the way I did by the end of last semester. So, now is my time to get it together.
****
My mother keeps saying, "I don't know what I'm going to do when you become a lawyer." I can sort of understand why she says this. The only times she's had to deal with a lawyer were times of extreme stress--divorce, failure of a business. And while one attorney was on her side, there were at least one who opposed her. So, I get it. But when she got in trouble, she didn't hesitate to go to a lawyer for help. And that says something.
And more than that, there are so many attorneys who are doing good things. Helping out people facing foreclosure, fighting for civil rights, defending people who are accused of a crime, and doing billions of other things their clients need them to do.
It just seems funny to me that people only see attorneys as schills for big business, or as oily snake-charmers. I'm becoming an attorney because I want to help people, and in that respect, I'm in the vast majority of my class.

Progress...random thoughts on a theme....

This weekend, it snowed in St. Paul. A lot. We were expected to get somewhere between 10 and 20 inches, and I think we ended up getting 13 inches.* Which wouldn't be depressing, except that this past week it was well above freezing and we were finally making progress toward seeing the grass. So now it feels like all that progress is going to be lost. Not that we were actually doing anything other than wait for the temparature to rise.
But as I was going to the gym this morning, I noticed something. It was light out. The laboring through the dark days of winter is over. Yeah, it's not exactly spring, but the days are noticeably longer. And that feels like spring is coming.
****
And this week is midterms, which doesn't seem right. But, I have been at school, working hard, for half a semester. So, that means midterms, I guess. I only have two, so that's good. But it's kind of frightening to me that I'm halfway through my second semester already. The first semester went quickly, but I felt like I was just hanging on and trying to not to fall apart.
This semester, things have kicked into a higer notch and I am busier, but I don't feel the same sort of craze. I'm (somewhat) calmer. I don't know if you'd notice it if you observed me last semester and this semester, because I'm still working hard. But, I think I'm understanding things now. I feel more sure of myself. And I'm sure that I have time to get things done. I've joined a couple other groups and I've taken on a couple other volunteer projects. I mean, I don't want to shock anyone, but I'm enjoying law school. You know, mostly.
And that's good. I'm moving forward.
****
Spring break is coming up! Right after finals, I'm gonna...well, I'm gonna start working on my Contracts outline. But I'm not going to have to go to class that week. So that's good. And I will get out of St. Paul for a while.
A friend of mine is getting married in Atlanta, where it will likely be 60 plus degrees. A lot of my college friends are going to be there and it should be a fun time. I'm so looking forward to it. Weddings are just the best. Watching two people come together and say, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you, is humbling. It's like watching someone grow up in a matter of seconds.
****
One of the big things I like about the blog is that I can look back and see what I was thinking about a couple weeks or years ago. A lot of the time I will see I've been chewing on the same problems or issues for a long time, but often I will see where I've made progress. And that's a good feeling.
Taking a look back 2 years ago on the blog I was trying to figure out what to do with myself after losing my job. I'd really just started working on the Gumshoe**. I was maybe just starting to work myself out of the rut my life had become.
But now. Now, it feels all different. I don't have answers to all the questions I've struggled with, and sometimes I feel like I've put off a lot of things (like getting a house and having kids). But ultimately, I am okay with that. I look at my parents. They were both never really thrilled with their jobs, and they took that personally. And I know that part of the way I reacted to my rut was due to their example. Not to be critical of them, but just to explain. I took it personally that I ended up doing filing jobs and I stopped feeling like I could do more. I submitted to the idea that the world, or fate, or God, or whatever was steering my life, knew where I belonged. And putting shit away was all I had to offer. I was well on my way to following in my parent's footsteps. And I was going to be miserable.
But now. On my worst day of law school, I know I'm going where I want to go, at least in a general way. I think I may find a job that will make me happy. And just that prospect is enough to make me smile. I mean, I don't know. I could end up doing miserable work for miserable people, I suppose. But, I don't think so. I think I'm on the right track now.
And sometimes I even think my time in the rut was worth it, if only because I can really appreciate the difference.

*Note 1. 13 inches in New York would've been the lead story on all the national network nightlies, and caused another terrible round of storm namings like, "snow-magedon", or "snow-poclypse". The nation would be inundated with stories about how hard this kind of strom is on people. In Minnesota, this storm was met with tired indignation, but also with the resolve to get shoveling before the snow gets heavier. The lesson? I don't want to use the word "whiney" or say things like "lack of perspective", but, you know...
**Note 2. I have been working on the next story, but one of the biggest problems with the last one is the lack of standard publication dates. People would forget about what happened and I think the story lost its momentum because of that. So, my plan is to have a couple episodes ready to go before I start throwing them up here. But, I hope people are at least a little excited about it.

Why can't I just feel happy about the weather?

So much of law school is dealing with disappointment. Not getting the grades you're used to. Not getting the clerkship you want. Not having time to do things you want. Not winning all the little battles that make up a day and a semester in law school.

I've dealt with my share of disappointment in the past, but it all feels very different now. It's all so much more dramatic. Some of that difference is because I'm paying money to be here. And some of it is because this is a competitive environment and it's bringing out competitive feelings in me that I'm not really used to and not sure I'm comfortable with*. But, I think a lot of the difference is because I'm finally seeing where I want my life to be and I'm trying to steer my life in that direction.

And everything that goes wrong feels like a message to me that I am not going to get there.

That's how much pressure I'm putting on myself. And I know it's not healthy. But there it is.

The back story to this post is that I applied for a few clerkships last month and today was the day I was supposed to hear back from them about an interview. I say, "I" applied, but really, it's me and somewhere around 1,000 other law students. So, I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed that today I heard that I did not land an interview. But, as you've probably put together from my post thus far, I am.

I don't know. I didn't expect that once I'd figured my life out that everything would fall into place, but I did not prepare myself for the amount of disappointment that would be involved in this first year of law school. I didn't prepare myself for how much of everything is just beyond my control. I think I thought that working hard would directly correlate into success. And I suppose there is some correlation, but it is not a direct correlation. You can't just pour time and effort into things and expect they will go your way, which makes sense, but can also be disheartening.

And I think being disheartened is starting to be a theme for me with law school right now. But not in any specific way. I mean, yes, I didn't get the clerkships I wanted. And there are some things I wish would go differently. But, aside from things turning out the way I want them to, there's no one thing, or set of things, that if they were different, I would say would guarantee my success, or happiness. So, that's just life I guess.

I suppose once I'm out of law school, I'll miss out on jobs, and I'll lose cases, or have negotiations go poorly. And I'll just have to deal with it. So I guess this is just part of life.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was in such a vulnerable part of my life. Which is another way to say, I wish I could have a better perspective on how much every little battle matters. Is losing out on these clerkships going to relegate me to not getting a good job next summer? And once I try to join the workforce after that? Probably not. I guess not. Well, I certainly hope not.

But I don't know, and that's just how it is. So it's on to the next plan. And I need to remember that this plan might turn out better than the other plan. That too is not something I have complete control over.

*Note 1. I'm a horrible person. I just found out a guy in my section dropped out for reasons unknown and one of my first thoughts was, "how is this going to affect the curve?" Nice. The topic of my competitiveness should get its own post soon.

Grades...

Grades came in last week.

As you know if you've been reading for a while, I don't want to discuss my grades. I've heard other people talking about their grades--like actually stating what they got--and I really find it off-putting. I don't want to talk about my grades. But.

I really want to talk about my grades. Not how I did so much as how I feel about them. Which is almost abstract enough that you wouldn't need to know what I got in order to relate to what I'm saying. Right?

Anyway. So, I feel pretty good about how things turned out. I wasn't happy with all of them, but I was happy with enough of them. So, it's not what I got that bothers me. What bothers me is, what do they mean?

They don't really measure what I know. I mean, they do in some way. You can't do well on an exam without having some knowledge and ability. Probably. But when you involve the curve, then the letters you're assigned don't even intend to signify what you learned. They mean to signify how you stand in relation to the rest of your class. They're meant to sort you into a class ranking, so that prospective employers can look at your grades quickly and decide what they mean about you. But that doesn't really tell me what they mean.

And maybe that's not important, but I still feel those grades. I feel them as clearly as a proclamation. They're either telling me I'm not working hard enough, or that I'm not going to be a good attorney. Or they're telling me I'm doing okay. I'm on the right track. Or maybe they're saying you are lucky. One answer changed on a multiple choice test, or one magic word missing from an essay, and I could be higher or lower.

Grades are arbitrary.

And yet they are important. They're important to prospective employers, and considering that it's time to start thinking about summer employment, that means they're important. So. I guess that's all there is. Blah.

Follow up letter to Albert Pujols...

Dear Mr. Pujols,

As you may remember from my last letter to you on this site, I have been engaged in learning the process of negotiation at my law school. And this made me appreciate the situation you're in now as you negotiate with the Cardinals.

Well let me tell you a tale, Mr. Pujols, and you can decide how, or if, this applies to your situation.

This past Tuesday, I was assigned to negotiate a fictional situation involving the price of Christmas trees in Michigan. I was "representing" a group of sellers who were looking to continue their relationship with a charitble group, my opponent. Because it was a charity I was negotiating against, my "client" was not concerned about making money, but they were farmers and couldn't afford to take a huge loss. I would be negotiating against another student and we were given parameters in which our "clients" would feel comfortable allowing us to make a deal on their behalf. I was supposed to get a number of terms, but three of the most important were that the contract would be for 10,000 trees, at $33 to $35 a tree, and contain a clause that protected my client in case storms, flooding, or drought caused the crop to fail. Pretty basic, really.

So, I prepared for this assignment, by doing the assigned reading, all of which stressed the importance of finding common ground and being able to compromise. I took this to heart and drafted some options that would allow my "client" to be protected and still be of interest to the other side. I felt good. I thought the other student and I would be able to negotiate a deal that would make both our "clients" happy.

And then I walked into the negotiation. Long story short, my opponent decided to lowball me.* Like hardcore. We did agree on 10,000 trees, but my opponent offered $12 a tree, or a $250,000 loss for my client. I balked. I balked, but I was was thrown off. It was insulting and I think people in the real world equivalent of my situation would have walked out there. But I was being graded, so I had to stay and continue negotiating. After 5 minutes of fighting, in which he refused to come up at all, we decided we wouldn't come to an agreement on the price, so we moved on. He agreed to allow the weather-protection clause, but only if we agreed to allocate all possible inventory to him. Which means that if there were a horrendous event that would cause my "client" to lose inventory, we would have to sell all we could to them--garaunteeing a loss and most likely bankrupting my "client". I balked. And I became very frustrated. I mean, here we are, two law students play-acting a situation where we've been told our goals are to be reasonable and to negotiate what our "clients" would want. And he was gunning me. I was so upset. I felt this guy was trying to take advantage of me. And I took it personally. And all I had at stake was 14 points.

The reason I bring this up is because there are stories floating around the internet saying how things are going the wrong way in your negotiation.** And I'm saying, in a small way, I can relate. It's easy to know you're being reasonable and to know that the other side is being ridiculous. And you obviously have a lot more on the line than I did with my stupid 14 points. I just hope the Cardinals are looking at things more rationally than the person I was negotiating against me. I hope you guys can find common ground.

Mr. Pujols, I really would like to see you sign with the Cardinals. I'd love to see you end your career with them. But, I know things don't always work out that way. And if they're not giving you the value you think you should get, I hope you walk away. It'll suck not to see you at first base, if that happens. It would be weird not to look forward to your every at bat. But honestly, the Cardinals are a huge organization, and they likely can afford to pay you a huge contract. And you deserve it. You honestly do, sir.

But, I hope you don't take it personally. I'm sure they don't mean to make you feel devalued or disrespected. They aren't gunning you. They know how much you mean to the fans and to the club--they'd have to be insane not to know how much you mean. They may just be putting a different number on the value.

Anyway, good luck to you in your negotiations.

joe

PS. Please don't sign with the Cubs. I can handle you in pretty much any uniform, but not that one.

*Note 1. In law school, when another student tries to show you up or stick it to you, that student is called a gunner. And this was a total gunner move.

**Note 2. And I have no idea whether these guys know what they're talking about or not. I'm inclined to hope not and cite the agreement both sides have to not leak anything.

An Open Letter to Albert Pujols...

Dear Mr. Albert Pujols,

You sir, are a god.

You are the greatest hitter in baseball right now. And, your are making a good case of being one of the best ever.

You are also in the process of negotiating a contract extension with the St. Louis Cardinals--my favorite team. And this negotiation is splitting my loyalties.

On the one hand, with the knowledge that you are the greatest, I think you should get a ton of money. Seriously, if we could get a scale and put 2000 lbs of hundred dollar bills on it, that would be yours, in my estimation. It's my impression this would far exceed the 3o million a year for 10 years that you are rumored to want, but I'm not sure. My point is, you have been a great player for a long time, playing under a contract that the most club-friendly person might call "modest". And you've seemed like a good person through it all. Team leader, unselfish player, you've been everything on the field. And off, it seems. In fact, you've set up a charity that helps people living with Down syndrome.

In short, I think the Cardinals should give you your money. And I think the Cardinals can afford to pay you. And if they can't, it's because they didn't plan ahead enough.

I know you probably didn't know this Mr. Pujols, but I'm currently in law school and as part of my training, I've been studying the negotiation process in one of my skills class. So, when I saw the report that the Cardinals believe you would not accept a trade in the middle of the season, part of me smiled. I saw this as a smart bargaining position. It says to the team, either you pay me now, or you have to try to pay me when the Yankees and Red Sox bring there wallets to the table--you won't get the consolation prize of prospects. It's a strong move. It's probably the right move for you, sir.

Here's my problem though. I rationally see your position and acknowledge your right to get paid. But. I also am a life-long Cardinal fan, and this is not something that is entirely rational. Should you not get the contract you deserve and leave, well, I don't know what I'll do. Over the last decade, I have grown to love watching you play baseball. I have really enjoyed it. And if you go somewhere else, I don't know how I'll react. That's not exactly true--if you go to the Cubs, I will have to seek professional help. And professional strength medication. But, barring that, I'm going to be torn. I can't see myself following you and becoming a fan of another team. It's unthinkable, really. So. I would still follow your career. I would still root for you to do well. I would cheer you if/when you came through Minneapolis. But, it would definitely be a parting for us. I could state it another way, I suppose, but this is what it boils down to.

I know you can't take this into your calculation. You have to make a business decision. You have to make a decision that's good for your family. And I wish you luck. And I really do hope you get the money you deserve.

I just also hope you can do it with the Cardinals.

All the best,

joe

Back at law school...

William Mitchell has a requirement that every student has to attend a certain number of presentations ("PLP"s)--given by faculty, attorneys from the community, or experts in some field--by the end of the first semester of the second year. The idea behind it is to expose us all to different areas of law and pique our interest in issues that aren't covered in our required classes. Some people have not been enthused by this "extra" requirement, but I have really liked it. In fact, I'm almost done with the requirement, but I probably will continue to going.

This past week, I went to a PLP given by a relatively young attorney on the requirements of filing a suit under the Americans with Disabilities Act, as well as the Minnesota state counterpart. And while the topic was really interesting, but there were two things I really liked about this particular presentation. The first was the passion he had for his work. I could see it in the way he talked about the state of the law; his voice was focused, sometimes to the point of straining. I could see the anger when he was discussing how routinely disabled people in our society get the short end of the stick. It was so refreshing to see. In law school, I've met professors who are passionate about what they teach, or just about teaching in general. And that's great. But, their appreciation in many ways is very clinical. It's the appreciation or anger one has for the mechanics of a subject. It's the difference between looking at a Van Gogh and appreciating the brushstrokes, the choice of color pallate and the structure of the painting, as opposed to feeling the painting on some visceral level. Obviously, it's good to appreciate the mechanics, but sometimes you just have to feel it.

The second thing I liked about the presentation was something he said as he was starting. "I found law school," and he paused thinking of the best word, "deeply alienating. So, if that's where you're at, don't worry." I don't know that I am finding law school deeply alienating, but it is, as I've mentioned, a very lonely endeavor. Most days, it's just me and a number of books, with breaks for class and eating. And it's nice to hear from someone who didn't romantacize the experience. I think my experience is pretty different than most people I've bump into. I am older. I'm married. And, I'm more quiet than a lot of people. So, in a lot of ways, I feel pretty isolated.

Which isn't to say I'm not enjoying law school. I am. There are tough days, but this wasn't meant to be easy. And that challenge is really exciting.

******

So, yeah, I am back at law school. We started up on the 10th, and that first week was rough. I thought I was ready to return after the break. It turns out, I was ready to get back to class, but buckling down and getting the work done proved to be a little hard. Luckily, my drive returned this week big time. I worked late every night this week and did so with good focus. And it felt good. So, that's nice.

******

What hasn't been nice is that Mitchell has a really odd system of grade reporting. Basically the past 3 Wednesdays and Fridays they've posted what grades have come in on the internet. But only from 5.30 pm until 10 am the next morning. And my grades have trickled in. Of the four that will report this way (my writing class does it differently), I only have one grade. And I know that I'm trying not to focus on grades. And grades aren't the focus of my learning. And what's important is that I get where I want to go. Yeah, these things I am aware of. However. I would like to see how I did. I took these tests over a month ago, and I know that these are all classes of over 70 people, and the process of entering all of the grades into whatever system they have must be long and exhausting. And they have to get to the seniors first. But I'm really having trouble being patient about this.

It's just tortorous to check every Wednesday and Friday for three weeks and only see one grade. And to have no idea when the rest are coming. ugh.

The good news is next week they start posting them every night of the week. So, hopefully by this time next week, I'll have some idea whether I should be pushing myself harder or changing my study habits. Hopefully.

******

One reason I've had to work late this week is because I have been working on applications for a number clerkships for the summer, which are due on Tuesday. Good news on that is that I'm done. All of the positions are in the public sector--some really exciting places. I know a lot of poeple are going to be applying for these, and the odds that I even get an interveiw are long. But. It's worth a shot. And I think I'd do well at any of these places. So, we'll see.

Rodin, or I didn't just spend my time in San Francisco doing Maltese Falcon stuff...

I'm sure the last two posts have you worried that I spent much of my San Francisco time looking up places based on the actions of various fictional characters, but rest assured. I did make time to get out and some of the other things San Francisco has to offer (as well as work on some of my law school stuff for class next week).

Coming into San Francisco, I didn't really have too many plans about things I wanted to see. I wanted to visit the Hammett sights, but other than that, I just wanted to see what was around. So, Thursday afternoon, when I was planning Friday afternoon, I just googled, "San Francisco sights" and tried to get some ideas. And I was lucky to find there is a pretty substantial collection of sculptures by Rodin here. So, this afternoon, while Dinah was hard at work, I went to the Legion of Honor Museum to see a mess of sculptures by the master.

The grounds of the museum are surrounded by a golf course and a park, which means they are gorgeous and well kept. Also, they are strikingly quiet and expansive--especially in San Francisco, where space is at a premium and everything is built as close together as possible. It was a nice change of pace.

I have only included pictures of Rodin's two of the scuptures here. The Thinker is, of course, a very famous sculpture and the museum has it sitting in the front court yard with nothing else around it. It's very striking.

The other sculpture I thought would be nice to include was a piece called The Great Hand, and, while I am no art critic, I think it captures what I really like about Rodin--the passion and tension he captures in his sculpture.

The museum also has on its grounds a Holocaust Memorial, pictured below. It's a really striking sculpture and I think the picture pretty much says it all.

One last Maltese Falcon Post...

After yesterday, I knew I hadn't visited all of the places mentioned in The Maltese Falcon.* I did visit 891 Post St., which is another apartment Hammett had in San Francisco and the basis for the description of the Spade's apartment, but I didn't post the pictures I took because they were boring. But, there was still one other place I hadn't visited--John's Grill.
Part of the reason I had not visited was because when you google, "maltese falcon san francisco", it's one of the first things that pops up. And that didn't seem right to me, because John's Grill is in the book for maybe two lines and there's no real description of the place aside from the fact that Spade orders pork chops, mashed potatoes and tomato slices, and that he smokes while he's there. But. Dinah's conference was really near the grill, so today we met there for lunch. And I gotta say, it was pretty awesome.
The ambiance is really cool. Lit sparingly, but not dim, the dark wood gives you the feeling that this place is just as it was when Hammet visited it. I doubt Hammet would look kindly on the prices, but the place is kind of a tourist trap, so what can you do?
The only thing that convinced me I wanted to visit this place was the rumor that they had a replica of the falcon there on the second floor. I am not someone who craves seeing or having movie replicas, but this is my weak spot. Like the characters in the book, I crave a maltese falcon. I have dreams of getting my first post-law school check and buying a maltese falcon replica,** to put on my desk.
Anyway. As Dinah and I were sitting there waiting for lunch, I noticed that above the bar, they had sitting a small replica. I tried to take some pictures of that, but because of the lighting, I couldn't get one to turn out. Suffice it to say, it was smaller than I thought. And the display of it up there was not terribly impressive. It looked more like an afterthought than I would've thought for a place that prides itself on being in Hammett's masterpiece.
But I ventured upstairs after a bit and found the case I've pictured here. Let me tell you, it was truly impressive. I may have stared at it for twenty minutes, before heading back downstairs.

*Note 1. I know, you were all very disappointed in me.

**Note 2. And secretly, it's not that expensive.